tiareflower's Journal

I've been trying to write in this goddam journal about three times but couldn't. I would literally just stare at the screen for ages and not write a thing.

Past couple of days have been excessively up and down. mostly down.

What happened was that i came home from a friend's house on sunday, and mum came home from work. She went to me and said we had to 'talk'.
she and i went to her bedroom and basically she proceeded to tell me off as she went into my room and it was a mess. And.. she found the food packets.
We basically started arguing back and forth until I suddenly began shouting back at her.
She began saying "I cant take this' and "I dont like this' and 'I am obviously a failure' until I got so sick of her saying me me me so I yelled "THIS ISNT ABOUT YOU! STOP SAYING ITS ABOUT YOU!"

I just got so sick of her saying and making out how everything I do is set out to deliberately to hurt or piss her off.
and then she commented how that i shouldnt be eating junk food because i put on weight again (7 kgs) then i screamed back saying it doesnt matter because I lost about 4 already in a week and a half, i shouted that it doesnt matter. I yelled and yelled. I didnt care anymore.
All i could feel was more selft hatred and self loathing than i have ever felt. guilt because it was all my fault that i brought so much pain and suffering to her and the famliy.
that i felt no one cared or respected about me because i was always the fat one in the family. And that I obsess with food and starved myself and ewnt from 120kgs to 90 in 3 months because of it. and I just wanted to yell that all that food packets she found in my room i ate all and threw it all up.
Because i felt that all that matters now is that get red of this.
eventually we stopped (because i just couldnt stop crying)
next day my sister called (the one who had the miscarriage)
and we spent about 2 hours crying together on the phone. And basically i admitted that I had been binging a bit (which caused the 7kg weight gain) but had lost basically 4 and a half in two weeks. and that i did it because it was the only time i actually felt 'happy' (stupid huh. how i only feel actually happy when my head is over a sink and throwing up everything)
this week i actually have pretty much ate next to nothing during the day. Eat half of dinner. Then today ive purged on a huge thing of chocolate and four cans of v.. ive had like 4 fat blaster tablets... i want to purge so badly.. im literally shaking but im trying not to...

to go on, Mum came back home from work today (we got over our fight like the next day) and i was discussing things about next year (getting back to tafe) and about my sisters (they have alot of issues too) when my mum basically said that i should be covered under her and dad's private insurance. I asked what for..
She basically said she's considering that i should be put in some sort of private hospital where i can stay at. I literally froze when she said.
she asked me if that is what i wanted. I couldnt answer because i was in so much shock.
Anyways.. tomorrow i'll be going to the secasa counselling again. which im dreading...
i just feel so utterly low.
i dont think im 'sick' enough to be in a hospital. i mean please... im not skinny (seriously im not. its not my ed saying that (if you call me even having one) ) 

i began cutting for a while too. but i stopped that for about 3 weeks now...
i just dont know. Im scared, angry, frustrated and depressed.
just what do i do?