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tiareflower 
7:24pm, November 1, 2009
I've recently checked here and realised that I haven't written in a while so I've decided to write a general update and such.
Not sure how to start. well i guess I feel like I've gone backwards in terms of how I have been feeling and functioning.
My sleep has gotten attrocious. i only sleep every 2 days at most. And I think that causes me to get really depressed and put me in a foul mood swings.
I tend to just lock myself up in my room because I literally just don't feel I can't take it.
Did do some good things. I managed to get my Responsible service of alcohol cert (RSA) and responsible services of gambling (RSG) certs. They would hopefully help me able to get some work!
Personally... I feel like I have gotten downhill. I have constant nightmares when I'm sleeping. I wake up in a cold sweat and shaking and feel like my head is spinning constantly.
I feel like i need a desperate change. I've gotten so sick of living with my parents. It is literally driving me crazy that I am no longer independant. And I honestly feel at times it is hindering my progress.
I just can't seem to make a normal bridge back to a normal life.
I hate going out with my family. The past month there has been heaps of family birthdays, parties etc. And I hate it. I shouldn't. BUt at the moment I literally hate being around them.
The old feelings of paranoia have come back. and that old self hatred.
I get so upset at myself. I feel like I am a constant dissapointment to myself.
I feel so ugly inside and out. And i don't know how its going to get any better.
My eating has gotten worse. At first it was getting back to normal. But because of alot of family gathering I've been eating more.. and suddenly realised that I was gaining weight again. I only gained like a kilo. But it freaked me out... I started purging again.
at first it was only once or twice a week. now its once or twice a day. And I've begun to restrict my daily intake.
I know I shouldnt. But I can't cope.
I've had a couple of fights with my parents and it made me so angry and upset. I started cutting my right arm. I feel so angry at myself for doing it. I swore to myself. years ago that i would never do anything like that again. but I have.. It's become like a drug, like purging has. I only feel that high when I do it. I feel that relief..
Sadly it took its toll on me last week when I literally got ill with a stomach bug and was three days in bed just sleeping to recover.
Mum forced me to the doctors because, and I say it in her words "you're always getting sick now, you're vomiting all the time, you have been for a while"
I nearly shit myself when she said that.
I concluded that she thought I was physically ill not deliberatly vomiting. Im relieved... i shouldnt be. but i am. I cant deal with her knowing that Im cutting and starving and forcing myself to throw up... she would blame it on herself.
I also went due to my sleeping so i spoke to the doctor. He said it was most like my ad's were not really helping as they should so he is going to put me on new ones. Oh joy...
more medication to get used to and expectations of sides effects for the 5 days to get used to them . ugh.
But he said they will help me sleep and help with the anxiety. so fingers crossed for that.
ugh.. Not a great update.. But its an update.
Fingers crossed that the next couple of weeks will be better
Not sure how to start. well i guess I feel like I've gone backwards in terms of how I have been feeling and functioning.
My sleep has gotten attrocious. i only sleep every 2 days at most. And I think that causes me to get really depressed and put me in a foul mood swings.
I tend to just lock myself up in my room because I literally just don't feel I can't take it.
Did do some good things. I managed to get my Responsible service of alcohol cert (RSA) and responsible services of gambling (RSG) certs. They would hopefully help me able to get some work!
Personally... I feel like I have gotten downhill. I have constant nightmares when I'm sleeping. I wake up in a cold sweat and shaking and feel like my head is spinning constantly.
I feel like i need a desperate change. I've gotten so sick of living with my parents. It is literally driving me crazy that I am no longer independant. And I honestly feel at times it is hindering my progress.
I just can't seem to make a normal bridge back to a normal life.
I hate going out with my family. The past month there has been heaps of family birthdays, parties etc. And I hate it. I shouldn't. BUt at the moment I literally hate being around them.
The old feelings of paranoia have come back. and that old self hatred.
I get so upset at myself. I feel like I am a constant dissapointment to myself.
I feel so ugly inside and out. And i don't know how its going to get any better.
My eating has gotten worse. At first it was getting back to normal. But because of alot of family gathering I've been eating more.. and suddenly realised that I was gaining weight again. I only gained like a kilo. But it freaked me out... I started purging again.
at first it was only once or twice a week. now its once or twice a day. And I've begun to restrict my daily intake.
I know I shouldnt. But I can't cope.
I've had a couple of fights with my parents and it made me so angry and upset. I started cutting my right arm. I feel so angry at myself for doing it. I swore to myself. years ago that i would never do anything like that again. but I have.. It's become like a drug, like purging has. I only feel that high when I do it. I feel that relief..
Sadly it took its toll on me last week when I literally got ill with a stomach bug and was three days in bed just sleeping to recover.
Mum forced me to the doctors because, and I say it in her words "you're always getting sick now, you're vomiting all the time, you have been for a while"
I nearly shit myself when she said that.
I concluded that she thought I was physically ill not deliberatly vomiting. Im relieved... i shouldnt be. but i am. I cant deal with her knowing that Im cutting and starving and forcing myself to throw up... she would blame it on herself.
I also went due to my sleeping so i spoke to the doctor. He said it was most like my ad's were not really helping as they should so he is going to put me on new ones. Oh joy...
more medication to get used to and expectations of sides effects for the 5 days to get used to them . ugh.
But he said they will help me sleep and help with the anxiety. so fingers crossed for that.
ugh.. Not a great update.. But its an update.
Fingers crossed that the next couple of weeks will be better
Comments
Really hope your week do get betetr, amid the way you have been feeling, you still got the two licenses. sorry things are so hard, but you can get through this, im sorry the way things are with your parents, just try your best amid the bad feelings you may have, Keep strong, here for you......BIG HUGS.....
ShazzerInc