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tiareflower 
7:24pm, November 1, 2009
I feel helpless in a way.
Why or how is it, that I can be strong for others, or to others...
My sister.. My poor dear sister... Is losing her baby. She and her husband have been wanting to have kids for 5 years. trying and trying. She had a miscarriage 2 years ago. That was heart breaking for her then...
This time it was worse. Because there was so much hope, and she was going so well.
Bsically the next two weeks are do or die really. She could lose it or not. Its not fair. Ever since she told me, I prayed and prayed and begged god to please protect her and her child. To give her this joy that she deserves so much. She has been through so much hardship and pain in her life. yet she had always been so smart, beautiful and a wonderful sister and friend to me. Why can't she have this one thing?
She would make an incredible mother. I find it so unfair, that bad things always have to happen to her. to nice people.
When I was told what happened the other day. I almost felt numb. That same numbness that allows me to be 'strong'. I had to as my mother was really upset, let alone my sister. She was scared to tell me in case I would be too upset. But I'd rather I did. At least I can pray. That's all ican do.
I want to do more.
That numbness scares me. I did it so much that was what caused my breakdown in the first place.
I spoke to my counsellor about it and she said basically it was my mind doing that to protect itself. I see why. Because if i didnt have that right now, i would fall apart.
My eating has been sorta bad lately. I have started to not eat at long periods of time, mostly forgetting really. Then I do eat, I eat ok. But... I have started throwing up again. Because I would feel ill... then even once I stop feeling sick I keep doing... because I have to feel empty to feel better...
Well at least my depression is getting better. And I'm getting out of bed again.
Still deciding whether to go back to tafe or not. My counsellor spoke to the head of the art department. And they're willing to help me out and maybe pass me on specual consideration. however, I feel like that If i do actually manage to pass, I wont be at a good enough level to complete second year works because I missed so many lessons.
Second option is that I return and reapply next year and start all over again. Good thing about that is that i would be starting a new slate. And I would know what is required.
Bad thing is starting all over again, and basically wasted a year.
Third option is maybe go part time. But that means instead of studying 2 years it would be 4 years... that is so long...
I dont know what to do. So many ideas, choices and i dont know where to start.
*sigh*
Cant wait for me to go back to my first taekwondo lesson in 2 years. I miss it so much, and to go back to wrestling training too...
p.s. Please, all of you, pray or whatever it is you do, for my sister and her baby.
Comments
I pray for your sister hun. I really undersatnd the numbness thing, I really do know how you feel, i can literally go numb just like that, your counsellor is right, your brain is protecting you.
With tafe, even with that I know how you feel, ive made a clean break and decided to change from law to psychology and at another uni. of course it feels like ive wasted a couple of years, but it happens in life, sometimes things happen for a reason. you have the options on the table there, so give it time and do what is best for you and have no regrets....here for you.......
ShazzerInc
Thanks so much Shazz, I still am thinking much about tafe first. Most likely will have to have a meeting with my tafe to see what the best thing will be.
Here for you too
tiareflower