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tiareflower 
7:24pm, November 1, 2009
Hi Everyone, sorry I haven't written much. Alot has been going on in my head and I haven't had the mental energy. Thanks to everyone who is supporting me. Your kind words of support really does help me. And I apologise for the lack of support I have given.
What can I say has happened?
I don't know whether I have gotten better or worse.
I think for me i feel worse. I havent returned to tafe yet. But a lady from Secasa (a group who offers support and stuff to attack victims) is helping me to sort out things.
From what it looks like, I may have to defer for the rest of the year and complete my course from the next 2 years. I don't really want to. I feel like im giving up but as many has seem to mention to me. It's not giving up. Because I still want to finish my diploma. Just at a later.
It's been tough however. Just getting out of bed, and having a shower is such a struggle. And that's me on a good day!
It's hard for me to try and slowly transition back to a normal way of life. Where I live is fairly isolated. For me to just to go to the shops or library is at least a 30-1 hour walk. I find it hard to walk on my own for 15 mins.. Any longer than that i get a panic attack.
I dont have a car nor drive. And my parents aren't here to be able to take me anywhere. So I'm stuck.
All I do these days is just stay in my room all day. Not doing anything. I don't even listen to music anymore... I draw sometimes.. that's about it.. or read.. or play some video games. My sleep is all horrible. I cant get to sleep til about 3-5 in the morning. then when I do sleep I have constant nightmares that keep me awake.
I've been put onto new ad's as well. And they make me feel really nauseaus throughout the whole day. So it hasn't really helped with the eating. Actually, out of all my problems, at least my eating disorder has gotten better somewhat. I have to still be reminded to eat, but at least I don't throw up anymore with a full stomach or forcefully purge myself anymore. I still get urges.. But I try and get above them.
I'm so sick of living like this. I HATE being like this. What sort of 22 year old is still living with her parents, just lying in bed all day doing nothing? I hate it. I hate it that I have to depend on my parents to live. I hate the fact that I simply can't do anything that I used to enjoy so much in my life. I hate making my whole family worried. I hate that I'm hurting them because they're worried.
I hate it. I hate myself for being like this. I don't even know who i am anymore. I actually yelled at my own sister the other on the phone. I don't think I have ever yelled at her before. never..
I crack the shits really easily, but as my counsellor and the doctor keeps saying, it's probably the medications, lack of sleep and utter exhaustion I have been going through. I guess i someitmes feel a bit better that at least I know why I'm like this. But i hate it still.
I'm so frustrated with myself. I just want to be able to just get over it. To just go back to how I was. I worked so hard and long to get where I was. Sure.. I know that I will always suffer depression. But I accepted that, I learnt to move on and to deal and manage it healthily... I was working hard on my physical health, eating and exercising properly... Sure i have lost alot of weight (I haven't weighed myself.. i refuse to) but everyone is telling me that I look like I have lost at 30 kilos since the start of the year... problem is the last 20 was in the last 2 months.
but.. slowly but surely.. there are days where I can get up. Where I force myself out of my room to have dinner with my parents and talk with them. to watch a movie with my mum and tell her I love her. I know that those type of actions are mundane and routine.. But to me... They are an incredible struggle... and i know it means alot to my parents. My mum was even thinking of putting me in a hospital to get help. But we can't afford that anyways.
I want my life back...
I guess i havent realised how bad i was. Or how worried everyone was. actually im surprised but how many. i feel so selfish. Always thinking me.. Mum today at the counsellor was so heart breaking. because it was there i was starting to understand how my family felt. My mum said that my sister's are desperately worried.. as are my nephew and cousin who are both 15 year old boys..
and then i received messages from people at tafe who are wondering where i am, wondering if I will ever return to tafe.
I just feel so weak... No wonder my family is worried. I have fallen apart before. and always clawed back up. But this time.. I have fallen lower... and im not clawing up. Im digging further down in this hell hole of a place called my mind.
i want to be able to just play the piano and violin again.. I used to play for hours on end.. but i struggle just to get out of bed...
I want to draw huge masterpieces.. but all i can manage are little drawings.. and sometimes dont finish them...
I want the nightmares to stop.. I want to stop falling apart whenever anyone asks me what happened.
I want to be the old me. Hell, the old me was still messed up, but at least i was functioning.
God give me strength.. please... any type of strength to just have the will to go on. To live my life instead of slipping away...
Comments
You know hun, im really happy you wrote this, I have been really worried about you. I really have. sometimes they say that to get better you have to get worse first, you know you probably dont want to hear that. but you know i feel its true, this time you have now is invaluable, to just take time out of life and get better, im proud you went to get help. people care, your family, cousins, people at tafe....it sounds liek hell but you know you are working hard to get through this, the meds I hope will help. You know concentrate on now, there is enough time to play pianos, draw matsrpieces, do what you can now, you know just look around your house and see what you can do, if everything is so far away, there is always things you can do. maybe try and break this routine, easy said then done when you are going through so much. you can do it....
You know, im praying for you and hoping things do get better, they will, keep positive, this journal just shows how much thinking is going on........keep strong, you are on the road of recovery, dont apologise for not being of support, trust me you have nothing to be sorry about, i want you to concentrate on getting better, you are in my thoughts, i often think how you are getting on. you will get there, i know you will, just keep your mind on this, things will be ok......here for you......
ShazzerInc
Thankyou so much Shaz
tiareflower
Your welcome........anytime....
ShazzerInc