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tiareflower 
7:24pm, November 1, 2009
How can I breathe?
How can I sleep?
How can I heal?
How do I breathe?
How do I sleep?
How do I heal?
Should I breathe?
Should I sleep?
Should I heal?
The guilt of living... the bliss of living... the hate of living...
I feel like a roller coaster... Always up and down...
I feel like I'm turning 40.. not 22
So much hurt I suddenly feel...
I always do my best to make everyone happy... I was always the "lucky" one. The one who got away...
"you're fine. Stop moping!"
"Your life is so easy. You take everything for granted"
"Stop being pathetic"
"You should be better"
"You know you're not that pretty"
"You're ugly. You're worthless"
"You know that I love you? I'm the only one who can love you! Because you are a filthy girl. No one else will love you. No one loves ugly girls like you"
"Stop being selfish"
Why it after so many years the memories of these words still cut at my soul?
Why do I feel guilty when I want to do something for myself?
I hate it... I hate it...I hate it...
I finally was at the stage where I could look in the mirror and not feel like hitting it...
Why is it that two people I knew... One a girl I went to school with... I feel guilty that i didnt know her better...
Then miz died... She decided it was all too painful..
It makes me feel sick... Fuck I even feel selfish for feeling grief over her!
And then people keep judging me of whatver I do. I can never do anything rught because people expect blood from me instead of a shoulder...
People think they know me to a T so they make judgements based on that.
It hurts. It hurts like hell and I'm not allowed to feel it...
I just want to be me... The real me... Not this stupid mask that everyone knows...
So go ahead, tell me off. Tell me I'm fat... Tell me I'm ugly... Tell me I'm disgusting... Tell me I'm worthless...
But don't ever fucking tell me I'm selfish...
You don't know me. I"M NOT SELFISH!
How can I sleep?
How can I heal?
How do I breathe?
How do I sleep?
How do I heal?
Should I breathe?
Should I sleep?
Should I heal?
The guilt of living... the bliss of living... the hate of living...
I feel like a roller coaster... Always up and down...
I feel like I'm turning 40.. not 22
So much hurt I suddenly feel...
I always do my best to make everyone happy... I was always the "lucky" one. The one who got away...
"you're fine. Stop moping!"
"Your life is so easy. You take everything for granted"
"Stop being pathetic"
"You should be better"
"You know you're not that pretty"
"You're ugly. You're worthless"
"You know that I love you? I'm the only one who can love you! Because you are a filthy girl. No one else will love you. No one loves ugly girls like you"
"Stop being selfish"
Why it after so many years the memories of these words still cut at my soul?
Why do I feel guilty when I want to do something for myself?
I hate it... I hate it...I hate it...
I finally was at the stage where I could look in the mirror and not feel like hitting it...
Why is it that two people I knew... One a girl I went to school with... I feel guilty that i didnt know her better...
Then miz died... She decided it was all too painful..
It makes me feel sick... Fuck I even feel selfish for feeling grief over her!
And then people keep judging me of whatver I do. I can never do anything rught because people expect blood from me instead of a shoulder...
People think they know me to a T so they make judgements based on that.
It hurts. It hurts like hell and I'm not allowed to feel it...
I just want to be me... The real me... Not this stupid mask that everyone knows...
So go ahead, tell me off. Tell me I'm fat... Tell me I'm ugly... Tell me I'm disgusting... Tell me I'm worthless...
But don't ever fucking tell me I'm selfish...
You don't know me. I"M NOT SELFISH!
There is so much that I want... That i know I will probably never have. And it's all my fault. I want so much to just be accepted, to be the friend that everyone wants to be with. Not the convenient one.
I can't stand how people tend to assume so much about me. People tend to think I'm an idiot because I don't act high and mighty and talk about "educational" things all the time. I'm sure most of family and step family think I am joke. I'm 22 and they still treat me like I'm some sort of a baby. I can't stand how certain people will deliberately go out of their way to say something so negative to me.
i can't stand how stupid my family think I am. They tell me I'm beautiful. They tell me I'm smart. They tell me Im talented. But they're lying to me. Do they honestly think that I believe in their bs? I just know the truthfully they are saying the opposite behind my back. They always have.
Ugh. I know, major venting. But I needed this out. I know I'm better than this. Sometimes all I want to do is just lay down in a dark room, with a nice warm blanket, vanessa mae music and just cry the whole day. Just get everything out.
But I can't. I'm not allowed. My only comfort is that I'm doing so well with my fitness and food intake...
