Journal

I HAVE BEEN BUSILY CLEANING THE HOUSE TODAY. WHILE I WAS CLEANING, I WAS LISTENING TO SOME TAPES I'VE MADE OF FAVORITE SONGS. I WAS CLEANING AWAY HERE IN THE KITCHEN, AND ONE OF THE SONGS THAT WAS A FAVORITE OF MIND AND OF KEN'S STARTED TO PLAY. MY FIRST REACTION WAS TO RUN TO THE STEREO AND TURN IT OFF. INSTEAD, I LET MYSELF FEEL THE PAIN AND THOUGH 4 SONGS, I WEPT AND WEPT. I CURSED HIM, I YELLED AT HIM. I ASKED HIM WHY...WHY????????????????? MY HEART WAS POUNDING REALLY FAST AND I COULD FEEL MY BP GOING UP. NEXT MONTH, IT WILL BE 2 YEARS SINCE I LAST SAW HIM. IN SEPTEMBER, IT WILL BE 2 YRS SINCE WE LAST SPOKE. WHY DOES IT STILL HURT AS RAW AND FRESH AS IT DID AT FIRST??? WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME??? I CAN STILL CLOSE MY EYES AND I AM BACK IN OUR BEDROOM, IN BED, HIS HEAD ON MY TUMMY, HIS THICK HAIR FANNED ACROSS MY BREASTS, LISTENING TO "OUR" SONGS THAT WE LOVED. HIS FINGERS TAPPING ALONG WITH THE YANNI SONGS, THE MELODY OF THE PIANO, ON MY TUMMY. AND SAYING HOW MUCH HE LOVED ME SO MUCH, THAT I WAS PRECIOUS TO HIM, THAT HE WANTED ONLY ME, HOW SPECIAL I WAS, AND ON AND ON. GOD, I MEANT IT WHEN I SAID LOVING THINGS TO HIM. FOR HIM, IT WAS ALL A BIG, HURTFUL, FUCKED UP LIE. LIE, LIE, LIE.  I REMEMBER ONE NIGHT, WE HAD MADE LOVE, AND IT WAS SO SWEET AND SO MOVING, SO MUCH FOR ME, THAT I CRIED. B/C I LOVED HIM SO MUCH AND B/C HE WAS SO PRECIOUS TO ME, AND A GIFT. HE SAID HE FELT THE SAME AND HE CRIED TOO. 

  WHEN IT ALL FINALLY CAME TO AN END AFTER HE CHEATED ON ME, AND REVEALED HE HAD CHEATED ON ME WITH 3 WOMEN, HE WROTE ME AN EMAIL AND TOLD ME THE 6 YRS WE HAD SPENT TOGETHER HE HAD NEVER TRULY WANTED TO BE WITH ME, BUT HE DIDN'T WANT TO TELL ME B/C HE DIDN'T WANT TO HURT MY FEELINGS. WTF????????????? 

   GOD, I WANT A FUCKING EXPLANATION FOR THE REASON A PERSON WOULD/COULD DO THIS TO A PERSON HE SUPPOSEDLY LOVES.  

  AND WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME, THAT 2 YRS LATER, I STILL CANNOT EMOTIONALLY BEAR TO HEAR THESE SONGS??????????? 

  I PRAYED TO GOD AND BEGGED HIM TO PLEASE, PLEASE, HEAL MY HEART. PLEASE GOD.

I WENT OUT RIDING THIS MORNING AT 5. OUT INTO THE DESERT TO WATCH THE GORGEOUS SUNRISE OVER THE MOUNTAINS....IT WAS SO BRIGHT, PINK AND AWE INSPIRING.

I PRACTICED SOME YOGA MOVES AND SAID MY MORNING PRAYER. IN PREPARATION FOR THE NEW DAY.

THE COOL SAND FELT SO GOOD BETWEEN MY TOES...IT WAS NICE TO TOUCH THE EARTH AND GET GROUNDED.

 LAST NIGHT, THE EASTERN SKY WAS FLASHING WITH HEAT LIGHTENING...PINK, ORANGE, AND PURPLE WERE THE COLORS I SAW WITH EACH FLASH. SO BEAUTIFUL.

TIME TO GET READY TO GO TO CHEMO. I PRAY THE DAY WILL GO WELL.

                                                                        "CHILDHOOD"

                                                                                 *MICHAEL JACKSON*

 HAVE YOU SEEN MY CHILDHOOD?

I'M SEARCHING FOR THE WORLD THAT I COME FROM.

CAUSE I'VE BEEN LOOKING AROUND,

IN THE LOST AND FOUND OF MY HEART.

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME.

THEY VIEW IT AS SUCH STRANGE ECCENTRICITIES

CAUSE I KEEP KIDDING AROUND 

LIKE A CHILD, BUT PARDON ME...

PEOPLE SAY I'M NOT OK

CAUSE I LOVE SUCH ELEMENTARY THINGS

IT'S BEEN MY FATE TO COMPENSATE

FOR THE CHILDHOOD I'VE NEVER KNOWN.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY CHILDHOOD?

I'M SEARCHING FOR THAT WONDER IN MY YOUTH,

LIKE PIRATES,IN ADVENTUROUS DREAMS,

OF CONQUEST,AND KINGS ON THE THRONE.

BEFORE YOU JUDGE ME,

TRY HARD TO LOVE ME.

LOOK WITHIN YOUR HEART, 

THEN ASK.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY CHILDHOOD?

PEOPLE SAY I'M STRANGE THAT WAY,

CAUSE I LOVE SUCH ELEMENTARY THINGS

ITS BEEN MY FATE TO COMPENSATE,

FOR THE CHILDHOOD I'VE NEVER KNOWN.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY CHILDHOOD?

I'M SEARCHING FOR THAT WONDER IN MY YOUTH,

LIKE FANTASTICAL STORIES TO SHARE,

THE DREAMS I WOULD DARE,

WATCH ME FLY...

BEFORE YOU JUDGE ME,

TRY HARD TO LOVE ME.

THE PAINFUL YOUTH

I'VE HAD.

***HAVE YOU SEEN MY CHILDHOOD***?????

                                                R.I.P. MICHAEL