every day just before it gets too dark in always out walking, cause the sky is all purrply in so many shades, purple is the color that reminds me to be happy no sad PURPLE :D happy color:DDD...wish i didnt have an eating disorder its so bad...uggg...LOVE INSIDE MY HEART and ON ME FOR ALL TO HAVE IF NEEDED, TAKE MY HAND AND I WILL NEVER LET GO, feel the LOVE, so WARM :)... uuuh living life is...dont know... CYANIDE ...livingdead inside... i know what is wrong with me, i look at myself and i feel it is the truth, i have a bad ewy dirty soul, im tainted diseased, dead im marked like that severed***draining my sadness hurt inside dirty outside, does it ever stop***never will i love myself, i dont know how to love someone i hate so much :((( 333life hurts333, 333i am in love333 i only exist for those who love me and those i love...yet i still am dead...i float...when will i ever rejoin the pieces of me---i am severed forever of life, i am undone...i wish i was confident and beautiful inside and out...but life has left me unbeautiful and lowly...my past holds me in a prison, my own prison...coldness of winter is hurting me so, major trigger for me, how will i get through it another year :(*sadness hurts so bad:(*i hurt but when i walk outside, alone, nature soothes me until i am out in the world, it hurts, it triggers, i see hurt i see pain and sadness i feel it too deeply :(*im manic, im sad, im shaky and dizzy confused, aaah*PAINT ME PURPLE or i shall fade away...faddde be like a shadow as i feel i am already i need to be purple, paint me happy, so maybe i feel that way inside my dead dying body and outside my skin wont feel so dirty, unbeautiful*i am empty...i am numb...i am sad...i am really dissociated and dont know what to do...im scared of me...i need a fuckkking punching bad to beat the hell out of my past :(***okay to be blunt, fuck depression :'('' fuck me fuck the bad things about my life fuck the bad things in the world, fuck fuck fuck SEVERED, but i thank god for nature, for people who loveme and understand me, thank god for somehow pushing me on... ***vegetarian :)***it hurts to be alive***today, nov.11, 2008 i figured out something bout life, its not that i wanna die its that i dont wanna live in the world, too many triggers, too much sadness, violence, its not my world, i need my own little world to survive in, the outside world is too much of a struggle for me, its just not apart of me, im not of it, i dont belong, ive just seen and endured to much, too late for changes, i am who i am, as i am...well now its decided, im gonna be a woman of the wilderness, no no no of a rainforest, near beaches hehe :D forreal i am one day...*another day*-been having lots of suicidal feelings which i fight with my cutting, cutting really does help to keep me in this world...i hate that its that way for me, its a selfish, kind of hurtful way to see things, feel things, but its mystate of mind and may always be...dont know what else to do...cuttting is saving my life...it detaches me from my bad feelings even if for awhile...:( no way for a person to live, but i dont know any other way...trying to change though, my therapist feels like she cant help me, :(...what to do?!!!??...*today*-***walking down the street with my eyes closed-feeling nature all around me, all over me, wonderful wonderful wonderful intense feeling-gets me breathless:)*** ______________purply and dead...walking dead...livingdead... just a kookookitty kookykittykat...untouchable...severed...unbeautiful...:)>:@:p duh duh ug ONE DAY AT A TIME...more like one minute at time iiiiiiiiii! sadness hurts so much :(... i been having, well always have the craziest thoughts, but i dont act on them, just lately i think i might :(...depression killing my insides :((( sadness... me being molested has severed me from life and myself and people, i am livingdead willi ever be alive totally and will i ever love myself damn :( a part of me wants to die a big part and im not afraid of that. i almost embrace it and accept it... is that selfish, wrong? :( yesss it is, im such a bad person, but im trying to get better. in therapy, but its hard, still i push on... i wont give into the dead part of me. i live ofr love, i live for my daughter. i love her so much. i want to see her grow u pand be in love and thrive and be happy in life as she is now :) shes so wonderful. i see love life happiness, in here i see hope for myself because of my daughter. i see life worth living through her, for her, with her. :) *** i am a failure unto myself :(*** seriously honest, true statement...only of breath does my body still live, for i am seVered...kill how i feel...hurts to be alive.
every day just before it gets too dark in always out walking, cause the sky is all purrply in so many shades, purple is the color that reminds me to be happy no sad PURPLE :D happy color:DDD...wish i didnt have an eating disorder its so bad...uggg...LOVE INSIDE MY HEART and ON ME FOR ALL TO HAVE IF NEEDED, TAKE MY HAND AND I WILL NEVER LET GO, feel the LOVE, so WARM :)... uuuh living life is...dont know... CYANIDE ...livingdead inside... i know what is wrong with me, i look at myself and i feel it
PURPLE, i wanna be all purply :), i gotta purple booty now, cause someone said so :DDD hehe...ROCK music, electric guitars sound so goood, slow music, old music, lovely music with pianos and flutes and all that sing to me ha *** bubblegum dubble bubble mmm and winemmm, vegggies mmm letttuce, cartoonnetwork, adult swim :D, asian horror flicks the best, just in: blah blah ha i love redneck weddings and tom arnold hehe, new interest for me, hes so funny...not as funny as larry the cable guy though :D...okay now, im sick... interests? more like ocd's walking working out running cutting eating disorder anxiety panic attacks insomnia DID etccc...blah blah blah interests::: family, kitties, animals, every in and about nature, music...the color purple and the number 3, my safe and happy things...my ocds ha. i love so many people and things in life, yet i still feel dead whyyy? becuase my brother and my cousin stole so much of me. i feel dead, but i hang on to the living things around me, real things things that matter. love. oh and i cuss alot lately, cause irritated sad tired ahhh i feel like a rollercoaster a flip flop i feel like...fuck fuck fuck :(:):((( im trying to get back into playing one my fave games of all time---diablo ll...my passion is music nature, kitties, lettuce ha, bubblegum, list goes on...PURPLE...sex...bluejeans...tshirts...blackboots...walking...running...cutting...PURPLE...PURPLE...PURPLE...all things sexy... yummy love...i love sharpies hehe...omg i love the stars moons cloud all of the sky is so beautifuil i wish i could sit and float on a cloud forever :) that would make me happy... all my clouds would be purply, all shades...so beautiful...i love CHOWDER, my fave cartoon character ha...list still goes on...
PURPLE, i wanna be all purply :), i gotta purple booty now, cause someone said so :DDD hehe...ROCK music,
1 hug received, 1 hug given
livingdeadkitty changed their mood to Good 10:05pm
livingdeadkitty gave Xris51 a hug 10:03pm
aw cris hiii you have 4 kittties thats so wonderful ive missed you so much im on zoloft vistaril and…
livingdeadkitty gave Xris51 a kiss 9:55am
i see your status 'can you hear me' ha wats up with that cris... hey wheres your pic? do you not wanna…
livingdeadkitty commented on GeminiDream2’s photo 9:50am
really awesome... i would definitely go hiking there maybe for days…
livingdeadkitty gave MadMax13 a hug 9:46am
thank you u take it easy too. im still waiting on my meds feel like losing hope sometimes hugggies…
September 30, 2009 4:58pm
yes i do admit i need help and medication to recover from all my problems because i cant do it alone... wish i would have recognized that long …
September 30, 2009 4:57pm
yes i do admit i need help and medication to recover from all my problems because i cant do it alone... wish i would have recognized that long …
May 19, 2009 5:56am
its so hard losing weight when there is no more fat in your body
i have an eating disorder i purge i deprive myself of food
i tell …
January 8, 2009 3:48pm
he broke his little leg and i feel so bad about it having hard time with it my lil kitty baby :((( he coming home today it gonna hurt to see …
How are you Kitty?
Hang in there kid it will be alright.
For your health!! and happyness!!X
Just for myou!! XX
Hi Helen!! Gr8 to hear from you, oh so sorry about your kitties awwwwww
Oh so pleased you are now getting some help!! it will all take time but im sure thinking of you from time to time whenever i look at you picture!!!! Hoping 1 day ill catch you online so it can be just like the old times chatting like we used to I do miss our little chats!!! Also good to hear Allie is doing so well and helping her mom!! We also have 2 new cats (we now have 4) they didnt get on with yhe older 2 but they are getting to know each other slowly!! Its funny watching them kittens playing just like children at play!! Take special care of yourselfs Helen ill write again soon!! xxxx
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i cut and i think i always will. i have this lingering sadness over myself and the world. i have a lot of problems. i cut away my pain, my problems my bad feelings the sadness. i cut too much, it takes me over.
i was molested, it is still so real to me. it ruined my life. i feel cold. i have lingering sadness.
to keep losing weight. i am anorexic, its getting very serious and very out of control.
i think i have this.
fear of lightning and being round a lot of people, sometimes scared to drive long distances. other fears too.
dont wanna talk bout it yet
not ready to talk bout it
sex mmm
starting to drink too much again
i have this thing with the #3. i count most things in threes. mostly when i walk and eat though, other times still too. i feel like if i dont do it something bad will happen. i obsess over purple i collect purple things.i obsess over odd numbers too. i feel like if i dont continue my patterns bad things will happen. oCD is all over my life now. its a necessity.
my mom has it, the beginnings of it. :( i feel like im gonna lose her to alzheimers one day :(((
really into working out, obsessive over it, i love it, i overdo it though. i have an eating disorder/anorexia/purge sometimes. i do enjoy fitness very though though.
im very much into healthy, very strict eating lifestyle, do not like the diet word. it is part of my problem though i have an eating disorder, i obsess over it. my daily food intake consists of only healthy, no fat-sat-trans-no sugar-low cal-food & drinks (mostly green tea/sport drink mixes/vitamins, etc. ONLY.
ex cheated on me...
brother has this, paranoid schitzophrenia... he was diagnosed when he was 20 or so, he is now 38. been through so much but we our family are so close and supportive to him. him and i are close :) i understand alot bout this illness...
just cant eat meat no more, i love animals too much i feel like they suffer for people to eat :(((
