I have only been on Daily Strength …
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Butterflylearner 
12:06pm, February 5, 2009
Hey~
Things are kinda rough lately. I am not sure how much longer I can continue going on like this. Things are just so much more complicated than they used to be. I dont know how to handle everything anymore. Simple problems are suddenly not so simple anymore. Everything is so much different now than it used to be. I just dont know what else to do. Life is so hard that I dont know what to do anymore. I just am having such a hard time. It seems like everytime I turn around something in my life is going horribly wrong. I never feel satisfied by anything I do. I work out daily and yet at the same time I still gain weight. I can barely eat anything cause I have myself so upset over my weight. I dont know what to do anymore. I am always so restless. I dont know what to do to make myself happy. I never imagined that it could be so difficult. I am not sure what to do anymore. Nothing that used to make me happy even pleases me anymore. I wish that it was easier but it isnt. everry day it gets harder. For starters I dont know why this is bothering me so much but my nails are so long, for the first time ever, that it is making it difficult for me to type on my laptop. It is really actually pisssing me off to no end. I am not sure what to do because I dont want to cut them but I am not used to having nails. I dont know how to act with them. My mom is constantly complimenting me on this that and the other. I cant think. My hands are shaking so bad that i can hardly stand it. I dont know why they are shaking so bad, I have had a ton to eat and drink and nothing helps. I am helplessly restless and it is PISSING ME OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Hang in there. I know where you are, I've been there myself. It's a very difficult time. I wish I could give you some advice on how to make it through but I don't even know how I made it. All i can say is I did. You know as I do that if you hang in long enough it will change. It may get better, it may get worse, but it will definitely change.
If you need someone to talk to I'm here. Just drop me a line here or at Tony51203@cs.com.
Tony51203
I SO FEEL YOU! I don't look nothing like I use to. I've never been skinny, but I never gained weight like this before. I lost my hair, it was easy to deal with, the hard part is it coming back, cause now I can't do nothing with it, it kind of just frizzes out, and I look like a boy. My face is breaking out in some kind of rash, or something, and I can't wear make up cause it irritates it. Its bad enough I got leukemia in the first place, then.. lets through in money problems, like.. serious, don't know how I'm gonna feed my child next month problems, and then that brings on the insecurities that my son's father is now only with me because he feels obligated. Why wouldn't he, I look disgusting, I can't even look at myself in the mirror without crying. And I keep thinking, I'm a good person, why is this happening to me? I don't deserve this.. But ya know what... the one thing that keeps me going, is remembering the night I was diagnosed, and the night that I was in ICU, and I prayed to God, "God please, just heal me, I won't ask why me? Just give me the strength and the courage to over come this".. and I think for me, I forget sometimes how scared I was those nights.Not knowing my future. And just praying to God it would all end. And I'm fine for now, health wise, Emotionally I'm a wreck, but I just got to remember what is important in life.. It's not the way I look, or my financial situation, it's being alive, and the love of my family and friends. I have to remind myself every day of that. I feel your fustrations.. and I go through it too, believe me, every damn day.. but bring yourself to that first night of finding out, and remember how bad things were then. Hopefully it helps. Good luck and God bless
buguhboo