Journal

Well, was moving around so fast I actually caught myself going in circles. Had to make myself sit the hell down and STOP.  I've been OCDing hard for months now.  Seroquel isn't helping me sleep either.  I really have no idea what to say the the pdoc any more.  I'm thinking this is as good as it gets.  Anxiety is on high alert! I hate when I get scared to go out and actually do something where there are other people!  I've isolated myself....bigtime. It happened gradually.  After I couldn't work anymore and had to apply for disability, it rocked my entire world.  The stress during the process was horrible.  And now I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.  Being a nurse was alot of who I was......that is gone....so now what??? I

Well I found out why I was getting sick.  I was having gallbladder attacks and had to get it taken out....gallstones!!!!  I could not understand while I was going thru meds changes why I was having so much nausea and general shitty feeling.  Surgery went real well.  There was some liver damage that he saw and biopsied.  I had liver failure when I was 2 and he said that's what it's from.  The biopsy is just going to tell how damaged it is......fun.  Has me on edge a little but it's the liver I have.  I do get concerned about taking meds and what the effects are on my liver.  I question I need to ask for sure. 

I've been swinging pretty high.  Enjoying it actually...I just cannot stand feeling like I cannot move.  I'd rather be up, I know I get on peoples nerves but damn i try hard to maintain.  I hung xmas lites the other afternoon while it was warm.  Every year the time goes by so fast that you can only enjoy them for a few weeks.  The holiday season starts in November!!! 

Having alot of trouble winding down and typing in the journal keeps me more focused.  Slacking in the typing though.  I feel happy.....hypo happy.  I'm just going to enjoy the ideas, and not run myself into the ground and crash.  Going to do some baking this week, will help keep me foucsed I hope.  Have a dentist appt. tomorrow....anxious about it and want to cancel, but I have got to step out of the comfort zone.  Wish I could think this clear all the time.....I wouldn't be bipolar if I could!  Just amazes me that changes in mood and thought pattern can happen so damn fast and hit so hard.  From happy to suicide but it's the imbalance that I have.