Journal

I am in the process of getting myself support and hopefully help guide me through this relationship mess.  I am gonna attend my first alanon meeting tonight and I am nervous but excited. Am very hopeful that this will help put many things in perspective and I am learning to totally put this mess into my higher spirits hands to direct me.  I had a monthly check in with my supervisor and addressed some things that are rubbing me the wrong way at work.  She agreed and recognized the situations and now I feel better to have gotten it off my chest.  I have really been asserting myself to not let things fester and not allowing myself to be a floor mat to people.  I also am not gonna get angry and leave.  I will stay and work on this.  I feel more adult and at peace with myself now more than I ever have in my life.  I hope the out come of things here at least meets me half way to my expectations.  I also hope work can find a balance.

Well I have had some tough things to consider.  Just talked to my pdoc about a recent situation with my boyfriend and she feels that I am getting strong enough to do what I have to do.  Kinda leaning towards leaving.  I have realized that he is very controlling and possesive and has major trust issues.  None of which I can do anything about, they are his and not mine and nor are they due to anything I have done.  I am going to seek out an alanon group for more support.  I am going to try to find a 2nd job, try to skim bills somehow, save as much as I can, just in case, and make alternative plans, also just in case.  I need only non-influential people for support and help, so am limited as to who I can talk to about this.  I also know that even if the worst happens that I will survive because I have been here before, homelessness is never pleasant but sometimes necessary.  This time I have a lot more going for me than I did the first time so that is a positive.  I am not still drinking and I have a job, two very big things on my side.  I didn't realize until talking to my pdoc how strong and clear things really are.  What I have to do is rise above my fears and confront several very touchy issues and be able to stand my ground emotionally, physically, and mentally.  I know I can do it, seems to be a reoccuring thing in my life, not everyday, but every so often.  I hope to someday be able to put a stop to this cycle.  It feels good to get this off my chest.  I will first try to write a letter to him explaining myself and what I need and see what happens.  I am having trouble writing this but will conquer this.

Well lets see, had my yearly review at work that went very well.  Would be getting a 5% raise if we were getting raises this year.  I had two teeth taken out, they became infected, very painful, needed pain meds and antibiotic.  The first pn med made me super sick for 2 days just off 1 pill.  The second kind did fine, still tender but much better.  Will wait a month for them to heal and then have a partial put in.  In the meantime I also need to fix a filling.  Oh joy.  This Thur. I have OP surgery for a kidney stone.  Never had this particular procedure done so no experiences from it yet.  Only supposed to be 2 days out with no pain, we will see about that am sure.  Been working many switchboard hours, which is fine, but boring, really like contact center much better.  Grandson's 6th bday is coming so I have been thinking about what to get him.  My daughter has made a plan to visit May 2nd, so far.  My mom left yesterday to Florida for a cruise.  Will be back on the 30th.  The weather is getting better and am anxious for a couple of really good rains to clean off the roads so we can go out on the motorcycle.  Is a very relaxing break away from the norm.  Looking in going back to school for medical coder or surgery tech.  Seen my pdoc yesterday, that was fine, kind of fumbling for things to talk about.  Need to talk about past to look for some missing pieces.  Started exercising to a new DVD.  Have done some spring cleaning to the bedroom, want to get them up on ebay.  Have bought some gladiola bulbs to plant as soon as the ground is soft enough.  Have a houseful of my fiance's kids this weekend and next, I think.  Am eating healthier.  Would really like to lose some weight.  Only working till 3 p.m. today, yeah.