exoticize's Journal

Wow, as I re-read my journal entries, I'm amazed at all that I've survived.

It's probably been about a year since I've left Austin, and I'd have to say that my progress in life had actually been negative.

I feel fairly numb and cold, which I think I have to in order to not go nutz!  The pain and the isolation is pretty unbearable.  I first went to my Dad's place by the beach, where I thought I would recuperate, but with the stress he was under, we ended up fighting and yelling quite often.  This led to more suicidal feelings and distress.  What I needed most was understanding and TLC.

So, after about half a year, my Dad moved me up here with my Mom.  Boy, was that ever a mistake.  I remember begging my Dad and my friend to "not leave me alone here with my Mom."    But I was left, and haved my life and symptoms have shown a marked decline.

Both of my parents think I'm still "acting" to get attention, even though my blood tests consistently show my thyroid to be hypo then hyperactive, and the ultrasound showed the growths.  The both keep telling my how sick I am and how I "need to learn how to take care of myself."

All I can really say is that I am more confused than ever in my life.  My Mom did a real number on me as a child, and I feel like scared 5 year old again, only this time I don't know up from down and feel like brain is turned all upside down.  I'm not allowed to show emotions in her house unless it's positive, and DEFINITELY not allowed to cry.  I literally get told to "STOP CRYING!!!" and to go to my room or the trailer.

The trailer's sewer tank is full, so I'm living without a restroom or running water.  And my Mom just recently told that I should "feel lucky" because I have a roof over my head, and have a bathroom (if I want to venture into her house).  And I'm not allowed to complain even though she was complaining about her miserable 3bd HOUSE on 3 lots, because the plumbing had gone out on her "100 year old house" for a few days.  I would gladly trade places, and be grateful to have a home with walking room, kitchen and modern amenities, like a sink w/running water, a shower and a toilet!!!

It would be really great to have a friend, someone who cared and would check up on me....make sure I'm eating, taking my meds, talk to me, ask me how I'm doing.

My discomfort, memory loss, pain, trembling, etc. is increasing at an alarmingly rapid rate, and it really saddens me that my family does not call to ask me how I'm doing.  It's a sense of lonliness that only those who have experienced it could understand...

E