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Snark 
I went to KMH today and they said that they can definitely help me, i'm relieved and a bit worried too. part of me feels that i'm perfectly fine just not understood the other part of me thinks i'm crazy but deserve the pain it causes and so i kinda don't want help. but i need it.
i don't want to lose my passion, it's all i have. whatever help they'll offer will dilute me and who i am.
what to do, what to do. . .
i wish i could live in my ideal cabin in the woods isolated, create my own world. with books and instruments and a lil farm section and all the time in the world to read, create etc. i'd pay someone to bring me food and put it in a bucket at the bottom of my property and i'd have a pully system connected so that they wouldn't even know who i was just what their job is.
sounds so perfect.
i'd give anything to make music again, it made me feel complete, i was never so happy as i was when playing.
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Hey, their help should NOT dilute your passion, or who you really are inside... you know the "real" inside person, I know you do, and it's a great and wonderful person. Even though I mentally bash myself, internal yell at myself that I'm not worthy of anything good, etc etc etc, I know deep down who I am, and I'm a good person, I wish so badly sometimes that people, specially loved ones, can always see the "real" me... but the PD mental issues cloud it for others tremendously. It took me a LONG time to actually realize this, and to actually realize that I did need (and finally actually accept) real help. Again, a common "symptom" is rejecting or refusing treatment, and your mind can give you tons and tons of reasons why to.... I don't know why this is, but looking back in retrospect for me, I can see it so clearly.
Let the real inner you shine, learn and reach for all the help you can, and remember that it's ok to seek out other dr's/therapists when one doesn't seem to be approaching things the way you need.
If nothing else, always be true to yourself.
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