Journal

two yrs, isn't all that bad to be in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship i know, but it was enough to unravel me. and i hate him for what he's taught me i hate him for everything and i want him to know so badly what a sexist immature pig he was and probably still is. my therapist says he is a narcasist and manipulative and was clearly abusive. and he was.

"you're lucky to be with me" he'd say, "who else would treat you this good" he'd say, and then make innappropriate crude sexual comments about the women around us and my mother and my sisters. which made me feel oh so special. he didn't deserve me, and i'm better than him. all that time redcing myself to nothing and abandoning my values and what i knew to be right just so that i could saciate his appetite. i was so stupid.

 he didn't even appreciate me, he'd insult every inch of my body because i don't lok like his fucking beloved porn-girls or because i didn't dress like his lovely strippers.

interractive video's he'd call them, only a child an immature little boy finds interest in that stuff, real men know better, real men want real women not objects. 

who wants a blow up doll that cooks and cleans, only someone who has no value for sometihng real, only a narcacistic little boy 

and what really pisses me off is that even now i am still trying to fullfil that ideology, and i hate it because i want to be more than that, i want to be respected and i want to be valued for my mind and thoughts. his lessons are the foundation which my understanding of how relationships work and it's ruined me.

i did everything for him, everything, stripped myself down to nothing and all he could say was, "well hunny i want variety and you're not enough"

and i'm not enough and i will never be to anyone, because he used me up and anything i had left was stolen by the son of a bitch who raped me.

i have a good man now and i can't enjoy him because of all of my fear and anxiety that he might be tricking me, manipulating me, lying to me. i'm making a big deal out of something that isn't there he says, but it is there, it's here because it's in me! i need him to prove me wrong, he can't be one of them, i wouldn't be able to take it if he is.