Laura1987's Journal

Hello, All.

I have not written here in a very long time.  This past year has been infintely  rough for me--7 funerals in 9 months--tonight, I am mourning my son.  My due date was August 22, 2008, so my son should be a year old today.

I do not have the words to express the feelings in my heart.  Though each day is not as tough as they once were, it is always on my mind.  In March, I got a small tattoo--a white star just above my right ovary.  It is a memorial for my son, Joseph Elijah, who lived and died there... and the star, for where he is now.   My heart aches for all the things that I am missing.  I am still not at a point in my life where I can readily start my family, so I am still without a living child.  I think that makes this so much harder--not that another child would diminish my love for Eli, but rather, I would have an outlet for this outpouring of love.  

Tomorrow (it's a little after midnight, so technically today), I will be getting birthday balloons and letting them go over the beach.  I have already written a birthday letter to my son, but this does not feel like tonight.  

I am also sleeping alone tonight for the first time in a while (less than fabulous timing), so I will be cuddling with the stuffed bear that I got for Eli when I first discovered I was pregnant.  I'm not sure if this is holding on more than I should or if it is allowing me to have an outlet when I am still so raw.  Either way, it is what I need for tonight.

I hope all of you on DS are doing well.  My goal for the next few months is to get myself back on here--you all have truly been what kept me sane in that darkest part. 

Best wishes and lots of love.

Laura

Happy birthday, Eli.  I love you to Heaven and back.