hlks's Journal

I'm 24 years old and I've never been to a bar or dance club in my life. A few indie band types of places, but never an actual dance club. In the days before we were to go out I was excited. The day before I was dreading- i had no place being at a club with all these beautiful, young, thin people. The day of was mostly a hassle because my husband wanted to see a movie, we had to find a baby sitter, etc etc.

The original plan: to have a girl's night out with Tara and Val (names have been changed) to a bar or club and scout for women (for me and Tara).

Why did I think the original plan was going to work?

Val decided to go out with a friend, Andy, before we went to the club. Tara and I met and carpooled to the place they were and found an additional person I didn't know and, of all people, my brother. Excluded from conversations that would have been uncomfortable with my brother there, and in the presence of people I didn't even know that panic feeling started to rise in my chest and throat. My brother brought up religion and, despite my refusal to say anything, being one of only two atheists there, Andy decides to go on about it anyway. Feeling hopelessly ganged up on I ordered a cosmo and took a Klonopin. After a few minutes I took another.

So the unnamed girl leaves with a headache and the four of us, me, Tara, Val, and Andy head over to the club. I was right... I was indeed completely out of place among these beautiful, young, tiny girls. The dance floor was crowded and hot, men and women grinding in an orgy of body parts and sweat. It stunk, filling slowly with smoke that tickled my lungs and made my eyes water slightly.

We find a seat, weaving our way through writhing bodies and drunk pole dancers. Val convinces me to go dance. I felt awkward and stupid. I think I'm a fairly good dancer, but just to be sure, I don't do it in front of people unless it's a specifically comical. I became more and more uncomfortable as bodies bumped against me, breaking my rhythm (if i had any) in my attempt to get away from them.

I would stop dancing occasionally until Val would come and get me again. My brother took off somewhere with Tara and Andy was off making out with random guys. This was not the kind of night I thought I'd have. Val was dancing with someone else and I was just kind of there. I felt like I was in a spotlight. One of those slow motion scenes where you're standing still, looking around, while the entire world moves a round you, distorted. The sounds and the smells, the bodies pushing against me, the thunderous boom of the music shaking the floor- I felt dizzy. Too loud, too bright, too fast. I slipped off to the side of the dance floor and stood, trying to keep my shaky legs steady and my vision in focus.

Maybe it was a bad idea to go, or maybe it was just a bad idea to bring along other people. Either way, I'm not sure it's an experience I want to have again. It's kind of funny, as beepers are kind of stereotyped into the club scene, especially when manic- not me. I guess I'm the odd one out, even among the black sheep of the world.