hlks's Journal

"i want to be there for you. things are bad triggers for me, too. i cant tell you how often i know a trigger has depressed you, angered you, hurt you.. because its done the same for me, i dont even have to see it in your eyes, because i know many of them myself. and it hurts the most that i could be there for you, if not for my part."

You said this to me yesterday and I told you I didn't want to talk about it... because I knew if I did I'd say things that would piss you off because I'm pissed off and there was no way to sugar coat the truth. But here it is now. 

You want to be there for me? Then try actually doing it. After over a year of being diagnosed with BP you still refused to read the book I bought you and highlighted for you or any links I send you. You don't want to understand because you don't care. You don't give a shit about me or how I'm doing, you just don't want it to get in your way. You think this one mushy paragraph will change what I know about you?

Things are triggers for you? Excuse me? What exactly could it trigger for you? I didn't realize that people had horrible intrusive memories of shit THEY did. No, you have no fucking idea what I'm thinking or what memory I'm dealing with. You don't get to have triggers about YOU cheating on me. You don't get to have triggers about YOU abusing me. And you sure as hell don't get to have triggers about the whore you cheated with because you still fucking defend her and can't even bring yourself to have a single negative feelings towards the fucking whore who tried to kill me. Do you have triggers of my suicide attempts? or me being in the hospital? That hospital which you never called? The suicide attempts you tried to ignore? 

No.. i don't think so. You don't have triggers because nothing was done to you, it was done to me BY you.  

Fucker.