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hlks 
3:19pm Sunday
It's been one year and 20 days since I met the person who would change my life forever and try to kill me. Today should be a happy day. Today we ushered in a new era of hope and progressive thinking with the 44th President of the United States of America, President Barack Hussein Obama. I watched the inaguration, like many people, and felt hope swell inside of me.
Today, of all wonderful days, was the first snow of winter here in North Carolina. A pleasant surprise as I didn't expect snow at all. I took pictures with my son as he tried to make snowballs after watching us closely. He didn't do a very good job, but that's completely beside the point as any parent knows.
Then we went for a drive. Several places were giving away free products- doughnuts, coffee, etc- and we thought it'd be nice because, hey, who doesn't love free stuff? Now, in NC, we have plenty of evergreens so it's rare that there's any time of year or spot when you don't see green. January, five days from now, this is the anniversary of the first time I met the person who would destroy my life and she lived in OH.
We came upon a stretch of road with no evergreens, just a stretch of bare, slightly frosted trees towering over buildings and powerlines. Snow, already melting in the midday sun, glinted and glimmered from the side of the road and off ice topped cars. And then it changed. The air changed, the feel changed. The last time I saw a scene like this was January 25th, 2008. I sat in a car with new hope, never knowing the horrors that faced me in the coming year. In my own car, here, today, I became disoriented. The air around me carried a different vibe, to the point where I, for a split second, thought I was in a different car, with a different driver.
I came back to my senses, pain heavy in my heart, mixed with that old and innocent feeling of hope that I once carried. The hope was a memory, long gone and disproved. The pain was real and it was now.
And I missed the hope.
And now my life is changed, forever the world exposed for what it is, and I miss my happy ignorance. I miss when I thought that people were good and there was hope in life. I hate this knowledge and I hate the people who have brought it upon me.
Give me back my ignorance. Please, give me back my innocence.
Comments
very irrational
bipolarfolse
can't go back, take the lessons, take the good, forgive the bad :)
GeocacherNY
my god... are you serious? bipolar? very irrational? it's a flashback.. i can't stop it, i can't control it... geeze.. you act like no one should ever be in pain.. like we should all just pretend everything's peachy keen. well you know what? life sucks.. for a lot of people.. and not only should you have compassion for people who are going through hard times, but you should stand up for the injustice and intolerance in the world.. something neither of you seem to realize or know how to do. It's beyond ridiculous.
hlks
please, someone tell me...if all you have to do is bash hlks, in EVERY freakin journal entry she writes...why in the hell you do keep reading them?
It's not enough to see someone hurting, you have to make rude and hateful comments, just to rub a little salt in the wound.
assholes.
ldmay0426
hlks, ingore that asswipe and if you look at his profile then you will see that he has never been married and has no childern, so he obviously has no compassion for those that are truly having problems.
Me and LD will whip his ass for ya!
sossie
Thank you idmay. They were actually on my friends list (because I don't turn people down if they're asking for friendship, support, etc) but I've deleted them now since they are obviously just negative people. But thank you for standing up for me.. you really are a good friend
hlks
anytime!
ldmay0426
thank you sossie :-) it's nice to know that I have a few true friends on here
hlks
I can't believe bipolarfolse's glib comment..never you mind...I totally understand how our past can suddenly ruin our present..Unexpected memories and pain can suddenly appear..and cut you deeply inside..
I know exactly how it feels..and also feel like sometimes you can't turn the clock back, but wish you could..You describe this SO well when you write..that you 'miss my happy ignorance. I miss when I thought that people were good and there was hope in life. I hate this knowledge and I hate the people who have brought it upon me'.
I get moments like that out of the blue..many times..and begin crying..Its only normal..and after bad experiences, and disaapointments..Its to be expected...
All we can do is feel it..and move through it.and then try to let it go..
We can't go back..we can only grow stronger..by knowing we can survive those monments..And we do..
You still have the potential for more joy ahead, and I wish that for you..
The write kahill Gibran wrote that pain is the breaking of the shell of our understanding..and it hurts..but new understanding brings new hopes afterwards..You deserve all good..and more for sure..will come your way..Thinking of you..
vonniedisley