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hlks 
3:19pm Sunday
I was a young, mentally ill girl who liked almost everything about her personality. Ghandi said "be the change you want to see in the world" and I followed that even before I'd heard it. Those are truly words to live by, said by an extraordinary and admirable man. I strove, with every fiber of my being, to be kind, generous, free spirited, innocent and wise. It was perhaps with my first venture into Paganism that I really took to heart the idea of harming none, or at least causing the least amount of harm possible. I was empathetic and tender hearted by nature, probably due to knowing what it felt like to be abused, bullied, and persecuted, but this new thought took it to the next level.
I'm sure you're thinking, well, it should be obvious that one would want to do as little harm as possible and yes, you're right, but how many of us actually follow through with that golden rule? I became Wiccan at 13 and at 14 I stopped eating meat, not only for the health benefits, which I really only used when trying to justify myself to meat eaters who thught ethical reasons were too hippie-ish, but for spiritual reasons and to further my mission.
I was the kind of person whom people always referred to as "older". Not older in years, but more mature, more serious, more concerned with the problems of the world. I wasn't out doing drugs, drinking, or sleeping around like most of my school mates, but rather I was studying world religions, philosophy, and ethics. I got comments like "you're only (insert any age between 14 and 23 here)?" with a slight tone of shock. Yep, I was the bookworm, the weird nerd who never fit in, which made me happy.
By the time I hit 16 or so I was pretty happy with who I was. I was serious and aware of the world around me, seeing things that needed to be changed and I was proud of my passion for helping others. I was goofy and silly and free spirited, dancing through fields of wheat on my way to the bus stop or braiding flowers in my hair to wear to school. I was naturally a romantic and, while still believing in feminism and equal rights, being swept away the the idea of chivalry, nobility, and fairytale worlds.
I was extrordinary. I don't mean this in an egotisticle sense, but rather just it's true meaning, beyond ordinary. I was not like the rest of the people I knew and I loved that. The rest of the world seemed cold, heartless, cynical, and hard. I wanted to be like those Buddhistd monks you see in movies who are ever wise with love and kindness in their hearts. I was different and I didn't think the world could ever change me. After all, I grew up being abused, and still did not turn cold, I was bullied in horrible ways and still did not turn cold, my father was even murdered when I was 16, and still I did not turn cold.
As I got older, many bad things happened to me. Life has never been kind to me, but still I held out hope, kept faith in humanity, believed in everyone's inate kindness and goodness, and believed things would all work out for the best.
Then something happened and my world crumbled. My husband, whom I had been with since I was 15 and right after our 4th wedding anniversary did something horrible. That something is a long and painful story that may someday get it's own post but for now I'll paraphrase. He cheated on me. No, wait, it gets worse. We lived with the woman he was sleeping with and her family. It was all in front of me, flaunted, rubbed in my face. Being bipolar, I became very sick, very depressed. I became suicidal almost instantly and, for that reason, did not have the strength or courage to stop what was going on. For six months they did this and all I could do was cry and try, occasionally, to kill myself. My husband, who was no longer the man I knew, became more and more emotionally and verbally abusive, finally escalating to physical violence. The other woman was also horribly abusive and manipulative. She knew just the right thing to say to keep me down and was purposefully driving me to suicide.
Thinking about it is like watching a horror movie in my head. I can see myself, but it's not myself. A dissociated image caught in a fantastical play. There are a few main images I can't seem to get rid of. I can see myself, crying, sobbing in the room upstairs while they were downstairs, fucking like animals. I can see myself, that last time I tired to kill myself with the bottle of pills.. how I took them one at a time at first, and then more at a time until they were gone. I can see a myself, crying on the end of the bed, I see myself trying to stand up and being pushed back down by my husband's hand on my throat. These thoughts, replaying themselves over and over and wondering why and how this could happen to me, of all people. I tried so hard to be a good person, to be there for those I love, to do good for the people and the world around me, and this is what I got in return.
And so I changed. In ways I never thought possible. In ways that make me dislike who I am. Not because I am a bad person or because, being so hurt, I inturn began to hurt others, because I did not. Instead, what I dislike so much, is that I'm like everyone else.. cynical, distrustful, cold and blocked off to feeling anything. I am no longer extrordinary. I am like everyone else. I cannot be the change I want to see in the world. I cannot dance, I cannot love, I cannot enjoy the things I once did. My life is a drab, gray, mass of days which are all the same, punctured by heart breaking stabs of agony. My faith in humanity is lost, as am I.
I'm sure you're thinking, well, it should be obvious that one would want to do as little harm as possible and yes, you're right, but how many of us actually follow through with that golden rule? I became Wiccan at 13 and at 14 I stopped eating meat, not only for the health benefits, which I really only used when trying to justify myself to meat eaters who thught ethical reasons were too hippie-ish, but for spiritual reasons and to further my mission.
I was the kind of person whom people always referred to as "older". Not older in years, but more mature, more serious, more concerned with the problems of the world. I wasn't out doing drugs, drinking, or sleeping around like most of my school mates, but rather I was studying world religions, philosophy, and ethics. I got comments like "you're only (insert any age between 14 and 23 here)?" with a slight tone of shock. Yep, I was the bookworm, the weird nerd who never fit in, which made me happy.
By the time I hit 16 or so I was pretty happy with who I was. I was serious and aware of the world around me, seeing things that needed to be changed and I was proud of my passion for helping others. I was goofy and silly and free spirited, dancing through fields of wheat on my way to the bus stop or braiding flowers in my hair to wear to school. I was naturally a romantic and, while still believing in feminism and equal rights, being swept away the the idea of chivalry, nobility, and fairytale worlds.
I was extrordinary. I don't mean this in an egotisticle sense, but rather just it's true meaning, beyond ordinary. I was not like the rest of the people I knew and I loved that. The rest of the world seemed cold, heartless, cynical, and hard. I wanted to be like those Buddhistd monks you see in movies who are ever wise with love and kindness in their hearts. I was different and I didn't think the world could ever change me. After all, I grew up being abused, and still did not turn cold, I was bullied in horrible ways and still did not turn cold, my father was even murdered when I was 16, and still I did not turn cold.
As I got older, many bad things happened to me. Life has never been kind to me, but still I held out hope, kept faith in humanity, believed in everyone's inate kindness and goodness, and believed things would all work out for the best.
Then something happened and my world crumbled. My husband, whom I had been with since I was 15 and right after our 4th wedding anniversary did something horrible. That something is a long and painful story that may someday get it's own post but for now I'll paraphrase. He cheated on me. No, wait, it gets worse. We lived with the woman he was sleeping with and her family. It was all in front of me, flaunted, rubbed in my face. Being bipolar, I became very sick, very depressed. I became suicidal almost instantly and, for that reason, did not have the strength or courage to stop what was going on. For six months they did this and all I could do was cry and try, occasionally, to kill myself. My husband, who was no longer the man I knew, became more and more emotionally and verbally abusive, finally escalating to physical violence. The other woman was also horribly abusive and manipulative. She knew just the right thing to say to keep me down and was purposefully driving me to suicide.
Thinking about it is like watching a horror movie in my head. I can see myself, but it's not myself. A dissociated image caught in a fantastical play. There are a few main images I can't seem to get rid of. I can see myself, crying, sobbing in the room upstairs while they were downstairs, fucking like animals. I can see myself, that last time I tired to kill myself with the bottle of pills.. how I took them one at a time at first, and then more at a time until they were gone. I can see a myself, crying on the end of the bed, I see myself trying to stand up and being pushed back down by my husband's hand on my throat. These thoughts, replaying themselves over and over and wondering why and how this could happen to me, of all people. I tried so hard to be a good person, to be there for those I love, to do good for the people and the world around me, and this is what I got in return.
And so I changed. In ways I never thought possible. In ways that make me dislike who I am. Not because I am a bad person or because, being so hurt, I inturn began to hurt others, because I did not. Instead, what I dislike so much, is that I'm like everyone else.. cynical, distrustful, cold and blocked off to feeling anything. I am no longer extrordinary. I am like everyone else. I cannot be the change I want to see in the world. I cannot dance, I cannot love, I cannot enjoy the things I once did. My life is a drab, gray, mass of days which are all the same, punctured by heart breaking stabs of agony. My faith in humanity is lost, as am I.
Comments
days r the same uh! seems so boring can't do much. trying to fix things. i do feel dissociation. like people r around me but i'm not there. like i don't fit in. not tuned in. gotta be the mania. oh please stop!
bipolarfolse
I cried reading this post. Can't see you that you are still extraordinary - otherwise you wouldn't care so much! Can you tell me what is wiccan?
Kazfar
Kazfar.. no.. i'm not extraordinary.. i used to pride myself on being able to open my heart to other people.. now.. I make friends.. meet new people.. and i can't care about them the way I should. They can't really be close to me in any way because all i can think about is what horrible thing they're eventually going to do. Feeling pain isn't extraordinary.. missing something isn't extraordinary either. I'm a cynic.. i'm the same as everyone else now. Cold.
Wiccan is a denomination of Paganism. Wiccans believe in a God and a Goddess, sometimes more gods and goddesses, spells and magic, reincarnation, etc.
hlks
why didn't you just have a triad relationship? all inclusive and embracing? that was my dream once upon a time
GeocacherNY
geo... i'm not sure if you know how complicated it actually was.. but are you suggesting by just letting him sleep with her it would have made it better?
hlks
You say you are now like everyone else - cynical, mistrustful, and cold.
You still have more layers of hurt and misconception to remove from your outlook because you are wrong if you think that everyone is like that. There are good people in this world - people who may have a healthy mistrust of people, but want to embrace others because they see goodness them. Some people have no violence in them. And some only need to act out what was done to them during bad times before they are able to rise above their misfortunes.
Your husband and that woman are not like everyone else either. They had no morals and no respect for you. It is within you to find self respect and dignity and lift yourself above situations like that. When you put enough distance between your past and the good person you know you are, then you will gain a stronger sense of control over your life. Life is hard. There's no easy way to get through it. But believing in a better way can make it possible.
We may have to go through life without a mate, without friends and family, without children. We may get walked all over. But we don't have to go through it without dignity and self respect. Don't give up. Don't continue to let yourself be pulled down by anything that threatens your dignity and self respect.
Shantih
I am so sorry that you are suffering because of the terrible things that happened to you, and the way your husband is treating you still now. But I do agree with Shantih- this cynicism, coldness, the things you say "make you like everyone else" do not necessarily have to become permenant. I was/AM like you- and after a terrible thing happened (of course, we can't compare situations, but mine was terrible to me), I was bitter, cynical, and distrustful. I never wanted to see people again. And then, somehow, my heart opened up again, and I am again the person I love, the person I am proud to be.
Whatever you feel now- especially about yourself- does not have to last. You can return to that extraordinary person, this "coldness" you describe (which I suspect is felt internally, but probably not noticed by others), can fade away with time and desire.
Nothing in this life is forever- especially not bitterness, if we do not wish it.
HarrietDash
are u still with him? dont let someone else take away your feeling of being special...i know its hard in the moment but there comes a time to fight back and be angry at the deserving party
tragicalydelightful
I am a 43 yo mother of 4 living children and 4 angels. My first love cheated and I still remember the sting. But this is my life, my today and he may have destroyed yesterday but he can't be a joyrobber anymore unless I allow him. You obviously need some healthy relationships to restore your faith. I was married 4 times...4!!! The first and third cheated and I know the 4th just never would. I never gave up because people are all different. Yup we are all extraordinary in our own way. I also believe in being th best I can be, but I also believe in jesus. I cannot give up hope and I have been with Mr Faithful for 10 years so far and theres a lot more living left, it wont always be like this for you. You will grow and change, meds change too. I hope you see the light and the sun warms your heart to give life and love another chance, its worth the effort.
Sarahsma
I almost cried reading your post. It is so skillfully written. You need to be a writer.
I am sorry for what your husband did to you. Not only that he cheated on you, but the way in which he did it, the way that he abused you physically and mentally. I'm sorry that he rubbed it in your face and made you start to hate the world and to not care anymore.
Just remember, there is always hope. Everything happens for a reason. These are the words I live by. If something horrible and hurtful happens to me I know that there is a reason behind why it is happening. I know that there is something good that will come out of it.
You just have to keep believing and not let some asshole and his whore bring you down to their level.
By the way, is this the guy you are still with?
brooke84
I am so sorry for all of the pain and sorrow you have been through in your life. I still see you as extraordinary. Many people would think that the earlier personality was stupid and naive. You miss her and want her back. I think that you will get her back too. If you let her go forever, then your husband will have won. He will have destroyed who you are.
DiRN
You and I have a similiar mindset. And , girlfriend, YOU ARE EXTRADORDNARY!
I am also a Pagan and a non-Wiccan Witch. However, I do follow the Ethical Teachings "Do As You Will, But Harm None." I also believe in reincarnation and also abide by the Karmic Law, which is also known as the Law Of Return and the Threefold Law. I do my best not to violate other's Free Will.
Do a Binding spell on your h and the whore he is/was cheating with!
emeraldflame
What you have suffered would make anyone bitter, but I don't think you are bitter. You have a natural anger against the world and particularly your husband and that anger gets unintentionally released against others somtimes even those who are your friends.
You are extrodinary because in my opinion you are one of the few truly genuine people I know.
I, like you often get disheartened with the world and people's closed minded attitudes.
In the end my only solace is my belief that the takers, users and abusers in the world today are suffering in there hearts and must change their ways if they hope to find inner peace.
Somtimes it seems like these people are happy and I find it hard to convince myself that in their hearts they are suffering. However the key point is that if I tried to live counter to my most heartfelt principles I would suffer so for me this is enough reason not to be like them.
You are not a taker, user or abuser but a lover of all creatures great or small, somtimes you are angry and many times you are sad but your heart is in the right place and I respect you for that.
PS, I will always be your friend.
SimonM
Here's one way to look at it: most people don't recognize that they're not as loving or open as they'd like to be. They just function the way they are and don't have any particular desire to change. I know it's cliché, but try accepting yourself the way you are, right now. Just keep accepting yourself and loving yourself and loving and loving yourself, and know that as you heal you will return to seeing yourself as the wonderful, amazing person that you once saw yourself as (who I still see in you).
mauree
I'd like to say thank you to everyone who commented.
Many of you asked if I was still with him. The answer is yes.. which is partially why it's so difficult to get past this. It would be much easier if I could just hate him and be done with him... but I do not and am not. He is in therapy for the abuse and, Simon, you're right.. all abusers do suffer.. it is why they abuse. (with the exception of socipaths)I'm in therapy too... and hope that some day I can learn to trust people again though right now that is very VERY hard to imagine.
again... thank you everyone for taking the time to read and respond!
hlks
You may be lost but you can be found. This too shall pass.
LaVivre
I too was that happy carefree and loving girl..then life hit me with some bad stuff..of course ALL AT ONCE..BUT still,look on my profile page..I, like you, will be extroidinary...we were born that way..it's not something we learn or aquire..it is our birth right.
dancingd
You are still extraordinary! You are so strong. You have been through so much! God loves you!!!
SweetGirl11