hlks's Journal at DailyStrength.org

Comments

have you been to or gong to counseling?

no.. i think he keeps sabotaging it. Like today he had an appointment to talk to someone about the different services we need.. individual therapy, medicine management for me, and marriage counseling.. i didn't know if we needed our medicaid card or not and told him they might not see him if he didn't have it.. but he blew it off saying he didn't want to look for it and if they wouldn't see him then we'd just do it some other time.. while i'm desperate to start seeing someone he keeps putting it off.

hlks

Then why not go yourself? If you guys have ins use it. Even if its state ins.

Just an idea. I dont know you or your situation but I hope you get help sounds like you need it right now the most.

hugs

Enlightened1

my appt isn't until next week. i'm worried that he won't get therapy for himself.. which he needs... and even if i set up a marriage counseling appt, i'm afraid he'll find some way to sabotage that too

hlks

Well you have to do what you have to do for your self . you cant stay in that crap give him no option he gose to therapy or your gone..

Danny08

Its very difficult living with this disorder and all the things we have to work through. Marriage is very tough because even though we can work on ourselves, we cant MAKE our partner do anything. It seems alot has built up not only for you but for him. He is dealing with your disorder by dismissing it and hoping it will go away. Like "what we dont see, doesnt exist". Yet, his actions and behaviors exhibit frustration, anger, and giving up. I think you need to focus on you right now because you cant fix him. Maybe if he sees you working on it and trying to be your best, he will be encouraged. It is important to sit down and talk peacefully. Tell him what you need and ask what he needs in the relationship. This will take more than a few therapy appt.s so be patient. This didnt happen in a day and it will take much longer to make right. Work on you and take care of you. Hugs

Shelly4

OMG what are you still doing there? I have been there and was raised in it as well. Do not take it anymore. We are here for you.

ksmimi

Well lets have some faith in him and yourself ok? Be positive not negative. :)

Enlightened1

Also I hope you both can work out your issues together as a team which is what I think most of a marriage is, team work. I know its hard to change or accept the need to change its a big step for anyone to do this, let alone go see some dr and listen to them on why you need to change and what you should change and of course all of our worst fear what is wrong with us mentally. This can be hard for him to swallow. So give him some time if hes hesitant to the appt and to change. K?

Enlightened1

shelly, actually it did happen in a day.. the day he cheated was the day he changed... he used to be more understanding, more compassionate and way more helpful and sweet...

hlks

what's so hard for him to swallow? i'm the exact same person i've always been

hlks

quote "what's so hard for him to swallow? i'm the exact same person i've always been" unquote.....yes, except now you are extremely hurt and pissed off.

cassidy

cassidy.. true.. so.. what's hard to swallow again? having to deal with the consequences of his actions?

hlks

I'm sorry your in that place.Maybe he did feel guilty and now he's just resentfull the best thing you could do for yourself is take care of yourself like no one's there in the end that's all u have anyway I'm not in your shoes so I don't know what u could do to make your life easier I hope you find a more peacefull place Love me

deni3

I think our culture has unintentionally taught people that they should have immediate gratification, and it is OKAY to be selfish or self centered. I am sorry your husband doesnt think he should have any flack from his choices. You could remind him that regardless of what choice one makes (good or bad) a person will receive feedback from those the choices affect. For example, if he worked really hard at making you his primary focus of affection, made choices based on your opinions, the reaction he would get would be positive from you, right? So why does he think that a negative choice would receive a positive (or neutral) reaction? You are, afterall, a person with feelings. Hang in there. Regardless of how he decides to treat (or not treat) you, YOU be loving to yourself. Nurture yourself, papmer yourself. Take care of your child. Be a good woman in spite of what has happened. You won't regret it.

cassidy

Reading this was reading my own story!! too much hits home with me...stay strong. yes counseling...if you need to vent i'm available. :)

hotpink67

Wow, been there, and Shelly4 hit the nail on the head. You need to just focus on you!!! You are the only one you have control over, learn to distract your self when you know you are about to encounter a trigger. Learn from your emotions and you can better learn how to control them. No two people are alike and different things work for different people. I have had this disorder for years, still have bouts of anxiety but I have learned to control my ups and downs. I still get stressed out at times, and the anxiety can grab a hold of you if you let it, but one thing I have learned is that NO ONE will ever be able to bring me to my knees of dispare to where I feel life is not worth living. No one is worth that kind of control over your emotions!!!! Even a husband!!! Feel proud of yourself, it takes a lot of courage to want to improve ones self, and if he doesn't want to do any improving, well, his loss cause he sounds like he could definately use a few pointers to help him get thru this crazy life!!!

Lynndin

Just keep doing your best. It's okay if your schedule for house cleaning doesn't get done. Focus on the most important, your family, your husband and you. Put first things first, trust yourself. Be happy even in hard times. Pray He knows what you need. As for abuse What type is it? That's not right and staying only adds gas to the fire. Choose what is best for you and your 2 year old. Find the courage to do what will help you and your child. Counseling may help. Just remember if you can forgive him for cheating then you forgive, you forget and go on. To keep bringing it up in your mind or together is not helpful and adds all those past feelings to resurface.
Hang in there remember take one day at a time, minute by minute.
sloppyjo

sloppyjo

I've been married 27 years and can tell you that a good marriage takes WORK. You have to be SO understanding of your partners needs, and sometimes, you have to just ignore little things he does that might bother you. Communication, not shouting, but speaking in loving tones, sharing how you feel, asking Him how you can make Him happier, forgiving one another, kissing and making up. True love is like a rock that withstands the bumps and bruises of life, sounds corny, but it's true. Counseling is what you both need to move on with the rest of your married life. Don't give up on someone you truly love. Remember too, we are all infallible. If you think you can find a PERFECT man, forget it. He's not out there. Read the book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." Hope this helps.

cathymk

sloppy, the abuse is mostly emotional and verbal, sometimes physical. and while i'm not quite ready to forgive the affair yet (mostly because he's not sorry about it) i know i'll never forget.. and i don't think it's a good thing to forget... otherwise history will repeat itelf. i'll always have to keep an eye out for those red flags and i'll still never be okay with him being alone with any woman. i do hope counseling will help though...

cathy, trust me.. i'm plenty understanding.. the problem is that he is not. i try to talk to him about how i'm feeling or what's going on.. i don't yell... and every single time he gets pissed off and basically tells me i'm not allowed to feel bad.. which is insanen considering what he did. true loev may be able to withstand bumps and bruises.. but if you truly love someone.. you don't cheat on them. so i have to come to terms with the fact that the man i've been with for 8 years doesn't truly love me. i don't want a perfect man.. just one who doesn't cheat on me.

hlks

Cathy,

Part of me doesn't want to add my 2 cents because I know that when people sometimes add their opinions and their story, it just makes your mind race even more than it already is. I've JUST come to realize that I have this disorder. The people around me, even and ESPECIALLY those that love and care about me, keep telling me that I'm nuts and that there is nothing "REALLY" wrong with me. They keep telling me that I've made the wrong decisions as to the women I've brought in my life. Although I know that that is true, I also know the source of the problem is me. I'M the one who has twice, actually THREE times with two women, chosen to get in and stay in a horrible relationship that I can't tear myself from. Even when I have no choice.

I'm the father of a 12 year old autistic boy. My girlfriend and I have been together for what is going on 4 years. A year ago, she couldn't take living with me, my son and her son, so things blew up and I took my son out of here. I left with him, and when I came back to collect our things, she fell apart (and so did I) and we agreed to try a different living arrangement that would be better for everyone. I have shared custody with my son's mother, (who decided to move around the corner from us after we settled the sale of our house) and she just added fuel to the fire.

From day one I was honest with my girlfriend, and that may have been a mistake. I never believed that I had BP because I didn't take drugs or drink. But as an artist, I clearly went through severe episodes of mania and depression. I also had a major "sexual addiction." As my girlfriend would say, "it's just how I am sexually." It would take up a major part of my life and simple, loving sex wasn't enough. It didn't satisfy my creativity or give me the euphoria that I needed and sex was ALWAYS a fight between us. I know she tried her best with me for a long time, but now, even after I've tried to explain to her about what I've found out about myself, she is completely done with the relationship and wants nothing to do with me. And, of course, it's killing me inside. Not just the grief, but the madness that the "two sides of my brain" are causing on a constant basis.

One side is confident and hates her and doesn't understand why the hell I haven't left and the other is just wracked with sadness that I couldn't save it. I just want her to understand and hold me and let me get it out and be there with me. But it looks like it too late for that. We can't control what other people do. And yes, maybe there is a reason they behave the way they do, yes.. maybe they have their own issues, but how much can you take before it all comes crashing down. The only hope I've found is the faith in myself that I can overcome these feelings with help and move on with or without her. I feel for you.

spacekidd

I hate when people say you don't have a right to feel bad. I just say "But I do feel bad, so what now?" I hope everything works out! You are a very intuitive person and I really like you a lot.

Jennytryingtoheal

GET OUT AND GO WHILE THE GOINGS GOOD .HE WILL NOT CHANGE AND HE WILL MAKE IT YOUR FAULT .

flybynight

Well, the only advice I can offer at this point is to make sure you get yourself taken care of first. By that I mean, see a counsler. Sadly as you know, you cannot make anyone get treatment unless they want it. I dont know if you are in the position or if you even want to walk away from your Husband. However, if he is not willing to make life better for all of you, then why stay? I know that it is easier said than done. You are a very strong minded woman. I know you can do what ever you put your mind too. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY AND LOVED!!!!!! Dont ever let anyone make you think you should get any less.

MunchkinsMama

This may sound childish but it is a good way to see how committed he is to you. Ask if he would like to go with you to councilling once or twice a month to help keep things in check. Like what you may not notice in yourself. If he agrees to that youve got your self a half winner. Now here is the sticky part do that for six months and then ask him if he would like to go to a few anger management classes as a couple if he says no. BOOT the ABUSER becuase that is all he wants is to control you.

Pharaun

Hon, to answer your question as to when you will get the love you deserve I really don't know what to say. I agree with the people here that say to get rid of him, but even if you don't kick him to the curb, take care of yourself and your child as best as you can. I hope you will find the love you need with someone else, someone who is kind, compassionate and faithful. Men like yours (and mine btw) can't and don't love anybody except themselves.

chevelle72

Seems this man needs a good boot out the door.Maybe hes still cheating thats why he is so abusive to you.He doesnt know how to handle the fact of your illness and has turned elsewhere,but yet he stays with you because of your child.Dont let him bring you down,lift your chin and say I AM SOMEBODY,I AM ME! And do what you can to prepare your nest egg for a while and BAM!! Give em da boot! Youll fine someone sooner or later to love you with or without an illness,Someone UNDERSTANDING. God Bless

MissAnna

He's not still cheating... i do know that much... and i dont' even want to think about what would happen if he cheated again.. i can't take that.. not even the thought.. right now. he was abusive before he cheated.. he cheated because he's selfish. he's abusive because he's selfish, but the two are still seperate.

hlks

Wow.... there is an old saying "we teach people how to treat us" .. your profile says you are 23....you have so many years ahead of you.. do you really want to be tied to a man that values you so little.. he has no remorse for his actions which says he does not care about your feelings... past behavior often predicts future behavior so really is he going to change? You need to ask yourself why you allow him to treat you so poorly.. go to counseling yourself and get an answer to this.. if you have low self esteem, then find a way to rebuild it... I'm sure there are people in your life who are supportive.. ask them how they see you and what they like about you... if your staying because of finances, then I suggest you find a way to ensure stability in this area on the off chance that he leaves.. be proactive in your life not reactive.... you couldn't stop him from cheating and you can not predict future actions on his part.. how much does he love you if he can turn to someone else.. these are hard facts.. you can only control you and the kind of life you want to live... your child deserves to be raised by a woman who has self respect and confidence.. what will your son think if you stay with his abusive, selfish man when he's older.. will he become like him.. and in turn abuse you as well... food for thought... please know my words are not meant to be cold.. I just want you to use wisdom.. I won't bore you with my story but as someone who is now in her mid forties I would suggest that you give some real thought to an exit strategy from this relationship and a future for yourself and your son... only you can make the decision.. weight the pros and cons... and your heart will tell you what to do...((hugs))

polarbare

polar, i am going to therapy myself as well. and yes, she says it's important that i become self suffecient. do i think people can change? sure.. otherwise what would be the point of therapy? i'm going in order to change myself, right? so I have to believe that it can change him too.

hlks

Head straight to your nearest library, do not pass go; take out and read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. You will understand yourself and him alot better. In the meantime, do not, I repeat do not fight or even argue in front of your child--it affects them forever! Take heart--you will survive!

Myself

Myself, i'll check it out. as for arguing.. i do not ever want to fight in front of my child.. unfortunately, my husband will continue an argument no matter what even if it's one sided. we're both in therapy and i'm hoping that helps...

hlks

Probably not what you want to hear, and i come from an entire family of people diagnosed with BPD, ocd, anxiety and depression,.. I was told 'personal responsibility' and dont look to others to help you or take care of you.. people are flawed beings who can be unreliable. Of course, a husband and wife situation is different, however, even those married, who have BPD , told me that they realize they, not their husband, is ultimately responsible for themselves. Comments are not read and are deleted.

sugartears

Was this guy aware of your significant illness before he married you and what he was getting into? If not, he needs to deal with that on his own and decide if he can handle 'in sickness or in health' part of your vows. That is called 'grow up'!! After re-reading and seeing he cheated on your marriage (which is breaking a contract),
that is an act of great immaturity and some women can get passed that and forgive, MOST CANT. I COULD NEVER CONTINUE IN A MARRIAGE OR EVEN RELATIONSHIP, AFTER THAT. SO DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S IMMATURE ACTIONS. THIS IS A VERY SIMPLISTIC VIEW OF A VERY COMPLICATED ISSUE. SEEK PROFESSIONAL GUIDANCE.

sugartears

sugar, no, he was not aware that I had bipolar- and neither was i- until this past april. i think he sort of doesn't see bipolar as a valid sickness and that he doesn't need to or shouldn't have to help me or make special efforts when i'm having a hard time. his attitude is "well so what? i have bad days too" (although note that on his bad days he becomes abusive so his logic is flawed either way. as for right now.. we're both in individual therapy and soon to be in marriage counseling.. so we'll see i guess..

hlks

I am glad to hear you are both in counseling. No matter which way things go, counseling is always the best first step. You each need to heal.

Also, the two of you should read the two books... "His Needs Her Needs", and by the same authors the book called something like "Surviving an affair". Friends of mine had a similar issues to yours, and these two books did a lot to help them see what was wrong, to fix the marriage, and to get back together.

BrokenChild1967

Hello - I am new to this site, after stumbling across it yesterday. HLKS you are going thru almost exactly what I am. I wont share my entire life story, but my husband of four years has the same attitude. He has not cheated on me (that I know of) is the only difference. I have been in therapy now for 4 weeks and am getting better everyday. Here is what my wonderful "doc" has helped me to realize.

Only YOU can make YOU happy. We cannot depend on others for our happiness. How can we expect others to love us the way we want to be loved if we cannot love ourself? Focus on you! Work to improve your outlook on life and stop looking for the love you want him to give you. Until he sees you trying, he is not going to try. Once you are all you can be, he will see the woman he fell in love with and change. If he doesnt, you will be okay, because as you getter you will be able to handle the stress. If he dont get on the boat, it will be his loss.

I know because I am living it. Once I started taking care of me and not worrying or expecting from him, I started healing. And I am determined to continue that path. Once I am healed, I will be able to see the forest and not just trees.

Extra Hugs and I love yous to you! Good luck and please let me know anytime you need a shoulder. Today is YOUR day, Make it and YOU better!

needingtosmile

needingtosmile, i'm sorry your husband is a jerk like mine. my therapist also wants me to become self suffecient, although it's a bit more difficult because bipolar can distort your thoughts and make it harder to cope with a lot of stuff. Many who are bipolar are also codependent and/or borderline personality (which causes extreme issues with abandonment).

he should already see the woman he fell in love with.. because I have not changed (other than things that have changed specifically because of him such as not being as trusting) which leads me to wonder if he ever loved me to begin with.

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist and you're making such good progress. keep it up!

hlks

Hi hlks
I have read this post, with tears running down my face, this could be me talking. Not exactly as your story went, but my ex was always right, hated to be challenged, and always had been selfish. I was married 25yrs, two kids.I had always had panic attacks, which my ex could never understand, as far as he was concerned, panic was a show of not being able to control youself. He could not discuss anything, unless he could be right.
When my bp started, he was ok, but when he realised that it was not going to go away, he changed. It was if he switched off from me. Used the home as a hotel, walked through the house without even acknowlegding my prescents. He shared a bed with me, but didnt even speak to me. Needless to say I got worse, but of course if was nothing to do with him !!
Eventually he left the house, and even with what he had done, I still was desperate for him to stay Three years on from that, we are divorced, I have moved as the house had to be sold, and have no contact even though we live 5 miles away. My "children" are adults, both in there 20's, he has a new partner, who he lives with, and now I know that this had been going on from before I was ill.

My life has changed, ok I still have bp but with meds it is being controled. I am single, I make my own decisions (on a good day)! If I want to eat late I do, I go where I want, when I want. Nobody tells me in usless, stupid or anything else. Never again will anybody treat me in that way again.
For the first time since I was 30, I like myself and am happy with myself. The real me is coming back.

So really what Im trying to say to you is, even though when your feeling bad, you think your incapable of surviving, your not, you can do it. You have issues that you need to sort out, and get under control. He has got major issues also, but thats not YOUR problem, you have enough things to deal with, and having this person disrupting your life everyday, is no help, your not getting time to have good days.
Do this excersise...........make sure you have a few quiet hours. Take a peice of paper and write down all the things your hubby does to you or just does, that harms you or disrupts you, be honest.
Then write the things he does that are good for you.
I would think the longer list is the first one. On the second list, look to see if either you or somebody else could do them.
Whats he therefore, he obviously isnt making you happy.
At the end of it, you HAVE to concentrate on YOU.
Good luck, I know how you feel at the moment, it does get better.

Fica

OMG! I feel the exact same thing! I don't suffer from Bi-Polar, just depression. But, I struggle with the same apathy from my family.

SavvySigma

the only relief i had was leaving..he was abusive and cheating on me..plus told lies on me to people i knew..i have been away for 11 years now from him..i still have problems from the abuse through the years i was with him..but im out and im letting God help me through the tough times about it all..your child doesnt deserve being raised in a home where the father is unstable hisself (abusive).and you dont deserve it either..the next time he abuses you call the cops..press charges..get it all on record so where he cant take your baby if he has threatened to take him away from you and thats why you stay..get help..God put help out there for us..dont be afraid to use it..Jesus love you remember that.

thestepsofheartachs

er.. well.. i do n't believe in god or jesus.. but thanks for the sentiment all the same

hlks

I had trouble letting go of my estranged husband. My therapist recently ask me, what good is he for me? He is really helping me to let go and I am filing for divorce tomorrow.

msmith9

congratulations msmith!

hlks

Daily Reflections

LOOKING OUTWARD

We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no requests for
ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are
careful never to pray for our own selfish ends.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 87

As an active alcoholic, I allowed selfishness to run rampant in my life. I was so attached
to my drinking and other selfish habits that people and moral principles came second.
Now, when I pray for the good of others rather than my "own selfish ends," I practice a
discipline in letting go of selfish attachments, caring for my fellows and preparing for the
day when I will be required to let go of all earthly attachments.

***********************************************************

Twenty-Four Hours A Day

A.A. Thought For The Day

Who am I to judge other people? Have I proved by my great success in life that I know
all the answers? Exactly the opposite. Until I came into A.A., my life could be called a
failure. I made all the mistakes a man could make. I took all the wrong roads there
were to take. On the basis of my record, am I a fit person to be a judge of my fellow
men? Hardly. In A.A. I have learned not to judge people. I am so often wrong. Let the
results of what they do judge them. It's not up to me. Am I less harsh in my judgment of
people?

Meditation For The Day

In our time of meditation, we again seem to hear: "Come unto me, all ye that are weary
and heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Again and again we seem to hear God saying
this to us. "Come unto me" for the solution of every problem, for the overcoming of
every temptation, for the calming of every fear, for all our need, physical, mental or
spiritual, but mostly "come unto me" for the strength we need to live with peace of mind
and the power to be useful and effective.

Prayer For The Day

I pray that I may go to God today for those things which I need to help me live. I pray
that I may find real peace of mind.

***********************************************************

As Bill Sees It

Loving Advisers, p. 303

Had I not been blessed with wise and loving advisers, I might have
cracked up long ago. A doctor once saved me from death by
alcoholism because he obliged me to face up to the deadlines of that
malady. Another doctor, a psychiatrist, later on helped me save my
sanity because he led me to ferret out some of my deep-lying defects.
>From a clergyman I acquired the truthful principles by which we
A.A.'s now try to live.

But these precious friends did far more than supply me with their
professional skills. I learned that I could go to them with any problem
whatever. Their wisdom and their integrity were mine for the asking.

Many of my dearest A.A. friends have stood with me in exactly this
same relation. Oftentimes they could help where others could not,
simply because they were A.A.'s.

Grapevine, August 1961

***********************************************************

Walk In Dry Places

The Boredom battle
Acceptance and Patience.
All of us have times when we don't enjoy our sobriety as much as we feel we should. Thought we're still grateful, we sometimes feel bored and depressed.
What we have to remember at such times is our bleak history of using alcohol as a quick fix for boredom. However ruinous and false it proved to be, alcohol did temporarily bring the miraculous change we sought.
We thought of alcohol as a means of uplifting our mood. We were very surprised to learn that it's really a depressant. Maybe it lifted us up by depressing our self-doubt and self-criticism.
Whatever the nature of our drinking, we need to stay sober while fighting our battles with boredom. We can do that by accepting a bit of boredom without succumbing to it. Meanwhile, we can look for ways of easing boredom that don't get us into trouble or lead back to the bottle.
I'll not feel guilty or unworthy if boredom strikes me now and then. Today I'll help manage my long-term boredom tendencies by practicing acceptance and patience for twenty-four hours.

***********************************************************

Keep It Simple

Write down the advice of him who loves you, though you like it not at present.
---Anonymous
We addicts often learn things the hard way. In the past, we found it very hard to take advice from anyone. It�s still hard to take advice, but it�s getting easier every day. We know now that we can�t handle everything in life by ourselves. We�ve come to believe there is help of us. And we�re learning to ask for help and advice.
Sometimes we don�t like the advice we get. We don�t have to use it. But if it comes from people who love and understand us, we can try to listen. Write it down. Think about it. It may make sense another day.
Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, please work through people who love me. I need your advice. Help me listen to it.
Action for the Day: I will make notes to myself, writing down things that seem important. I will read them once in a while.

***********************************************************

codep616

codep, er... firstly, i'd ask what selfishness you're referring to specifically as we all need selfishness to survive..in fact, lack of selfishness almost killed me and I've now learned that you can't look after everyone else at your own expense.

secondly , i do not believe in god

thirdly, again.. not sure what addictions you're referring to?

please clarify.

hlks

Ouch!
It hurts when someone doesn't give us what we need. I had a similar situation where my former guy WAS so sweet. I learned very slowly that when it (the kindness) is gone and replaced with insensitivity, it can never come back in a pure form.

The best of luck to you.

I know it is not easy and the best advice I can give you to is see healing and support for yourself.

Kindmirrow

I think I am guilty of the same offense. This actually helped me think about how I acted towards my wife at times. My wife suffers from clinical deppression. I have just recently been diagnosed with ADHD. Your husband needs to be made aware of his actions through counseling.

MitchG

mitch, i'm glad it helped! my husband is going to counseling, though I have to wonder how much it helps since I believe his view on things is distorted, though we'll start couple's therapy soon as well.

hlks

MitchG

Just be open; and for some people it takes time. Don't expect anything to happen right away. We are 'dudes'. You gotta read 'When Venus and Mars Collide', Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, or 'Honor Your Anger', I personally liked the When Venus and Mars Collide. It breaks down how the physiology works in our brain, hormones, etc. for men and women when we are coping with stress. My wife and I went to counseling for about 4 months. We hit a plateau and I think we couldn't get passed it. I became unhappy, we were fighting alot, I didn't have a job at the time, and I have quirks. I need to be stimulated, I ride, I usually am always working, and taking at least one class towards a degree, or a certificate. Another thing I need to do is click down a gear and be more patient, thats just me. At this time my wife and I are seperated and she plans on divorcing me. Make it work.

MitchG

mitch, i'm sorry to hear that... i hope therapy helped teach you to be more compassionate in general which is something that will help you in the long run. my husband and i are both in individual therapy as well.. and really.. if i've stayed with him through everything he's done to me, then i don't see us separating any time soon

hlks

The only way to change someone else is to change Yourself. Your story sounds like mine. Except there was no other person. He too was never there for me emotionally, spiritually, etc, I ignored his crys for help (mental illnesss does that.) I was told to get help, like you I wanted him to get it first thinking that if he is helped that my struggle wont be as intense. I was wrong. I hit my menopause and thats when he told me my mood swings were too much and he did not love me anymore. I ignored it because I thought he didnt mean it. Well he divorced me and I am dealing with my own issues (I wish that I would have done counseling for myself earlier because it would of made me more prepared to deal with this) Now I am left to feel that I am not good enough for anyone let alone myself. Today was the first day that I called to start intense counseling for me. LOOK OUT FOR NUMBER 1(You).

mimib12

well... i promise you i'm not ignoring anything from him. if anything it's the opposite.. even though i was hospitalized, to him it was no big deal... he never took me seriously when i told him i was depressed or suicidal or wanted a divorce. i try to be very sensitive to his needs and feelings.. although he makes it difficult because any negative emotion is dealt with by lashing out at me and being abusive. .'

i'm glad you're getting counseling and i hope it helps

hlks

it sounds very sim to my situation but i finally took the step to ask him to go. i packed for him and he went to his sisters. i was afraid i made the wrong choice cause im the crazy one but i think for now its the best. my husband cheats has addictions and lies but hes a good person. drives me crazy. he's not going to take care of me the way i need. i have to do that alone.

inlalalandin

ps
my husbands therapist told him HE is codapendent!! im lucky if he even hears a word i say!! haha

inlalalandin

OK, my husband is the one who is bipolar. And after seven years of our whole life being bent on what he needs I'm getting tired. Not because I don't want him to be better, but because one person only has so much to give. It is hard to give everybody everything they think they need from you and still make time to take care of yourself. (There are 5 of us here.) Sometimes I'm the one who needs a break. I think it would be nice to decide out of nowhere I can't deal w/ coming home yet, or don't want to come home at all, or I need a few hours to myself even if it means I don't see the kids.

No trying to be mean, I'm just trying to point out that sometimes we get burned out taking care of full grown adults who are supposed to be able to take care of themselves. It is hard to care so much for so long and get so little in return.

Not that this is what is going on in your situation, it just in general isn't fair to assume the not caring is for no reason.

For example, over the past month my husband has started every serious conversation w/ everything is my fault, or if he goes crazy he's leaving me. It is really hard to invest too much hope for the future in some one who does that. He complained that I was cold and unresponsive, but I was having to figure out how I'm going to go from house wife to working mom. The stress that got put on me was so much I didn't have much to give back when he felt like he needed it. This isn't the first time we've been through this, where it was going to keep me more sane not caring for a little while. It might be fair to him to consider how hard it is to continue caring for some one in your situation.

Sorry you're going through a hard time. We are too. I really hope we all find a way to cope.

Elvenbird

My mother was in an abusive relationship with my father for 18 years, but she has finally left him and got her life back on track. I know that she feels much, much better about herself than she did four years ago. She no longer hits or cuts herself, and she's able to make choices for herself and support herself. It might help your mental health to leave the relationship so you can take charge of your life.

size0

elven, i'm sorry you're having such a hard time with your husband, but let me assure you that not all bipolars are created equal.

in my case i'm always taking care of my husband and he rarely helps me when I need it. he's abusive, he cheated, etc, etc. There's no way for him to get burnt out on helping if he's not actually helping. I can't just up and decide that I need to get away even though sometimes I really do.. not because I don't feel like doing whatever, but because I'm suicidal and I'm sure that any normal person would give someone who's suicidal a small break.. but not my husband. I'm all on my own.

size0, well... perhaps you're right.. i'm not sure if I could make it on my own. I've applied for disability but that wouldn't cut it for being on my own and going back to work would mean extreme panic attacks every day, and a hundred triggers that could cause suicidal thoughts or depression in general. I don't do well in public... anyway, right now i'm just hoping to fix things with counseling.

hlks

Elvenbird, a bipolar person in some peoples eyes deserves nothing good on account of the pain and suffering they have inflicted on others. You are free to take this view too. But never tell a person mentally ill or not that ill treatment such as physical and mental abuse is their fault because they are so hard to deal with. That is wrong.

hlks, you need to find a way out. Do you have family near that will help you and the kids? Your kids do not need to be in that environment, even if the abuse is not directed towards them.

nikkoblue

@ nikkoblue -- Wow, just to be clear, I said, "Not that this is what is going on in your situation..." And I can fully understand why you took that wrong, but I was only trying to say, from a spouses point of view, That I have personally gotten very burned out by the ups and downs I've been put through. I can understand shutting out a spouse, because I've done it. Not because I wanted to be abusive, but because it was how I was protecting myself. I have heard over and over again that it is important to do what you can to take care of yourself. Having to take on all the responsibilities, or not being able to make any personal plans because the household lives and dies by the schedule made by the ill person is tiring, and frustrating, and really, unfair. I haven't told anyone that they deserve nothing good, because of a disorder they can't help. I don't know what kind of abuse hlk has dealt w/ or what the home dynamics truly are, I just know what I've been through, and how poorly I deal w/ it. In my mind, if our situations were reversed, and my husband was BP but took care of everything and just wanted the kids laid down, and the cats cared for (or whatever), I would be completely willing to roll with the days that he just needed to hide out. However, in my situation, that is not the case.

In the example I gave, our conversations felt to me more like black mail than a real conversation. I don't know if that is what is going on here. She may say, "I need you to clean out the box, and lay the kid down or I may want to kill myself." Then again, she may say "I need you to lay the kid down and clean out the box." I don't know. Obviously one conversation is stressful beyond what should be laid on anyone and the other reasonable. I was only trying to offer a fresh perspective. I feel like twisting that to "a bipolar person ... deserves nothing good on account of the pain and suffering they have inflicted on others" is really very mean and out of line, because that is so far from what I really said.

Elvenbird

Elvinbird, don't worry, i knew what you were saying. And Nikko, I think you forget that some bipolar people, especially those with anger issues, tend to be abusive themselves... any person shouldn't be expected or required to stay with someone who goes into rages, uses blackmail or threats, is manipulative, etc.

of course, that's not all bipolar people, which is what I was trying to say before. Many people with bipolar deal with less extroverted issues such as depression, anxiety, a need for constant planning and stability... these things are not abusive and so a spouse would be expected to learn about the disorder, go to counseling, and help their spouse in any way possible. As crushing as it would be, I also understand that not everyone is up for that task and the spouse's mental well being shouldn't have to be put in jeopardy as well.

again, elvin, I hope you understand that everyone with bipolar is different. Some of us don't hurt other people and all we really want is someone to love us and hold us when we're crying and reassure us when we need it.

hlks

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am in the same boat, so I understand. My husband is extremely abusive to the point of pushing me around etc if everything is not done the way he wants. I am starting new meds, and the change has been very difficult right now. He blames everything I do wrong on my disorder. You are so right, we cannot help it if we are bi-polar. I don't know about you, but he knew it when I married him. I have been seeing a therapist alone now (because according to him I am the problem). I agree with one comment made earlier. Seek your own help. You cannot change him, but if he sees that you are taking control, and not showing him that he is getting to you(even though he may be), maybe he will be more willing to join in on the family responsibilites. I have gone through this before, and it worked. However, it has been so bad lately that my therapist says I should leave. I am not sure if that is an option for you. Personally, I keep feeling like I need to get stronger, and many times I feel like I cannot live without him. Perfect sign of an abusive relationship. It sounds like you are deep in. It should not matter that you are bi-polar. He is your husband and he should treat you with the respect and help you out, no matter what!!! I am not sure if I have helped at all with my advice on seeking your own therapist and working just on yourself (it is something I need to do as well). I do want you to know that I think I know how you feel and it sucks, and you do not deserve it.

HolD

thanks HolD. I do see an individual therapist and so does he now and we're soon to begin couple's counseling. Neither of us knew I was bipolar when we got married, but he does dismiss my feelings by saying "oh, it's just the bipolar" as if I have no thoughts or feelings of my own and being bipolar makes them unimportant or irrelevant.

hlks

Been reading, HoID's relating by experience. You won't forget the deceit and the hurt hon, but we can try to deal with it.
My difficult decision and choice was to continue the relationship with my husband, despite his denial on my trauma and my existing disabilities. I had to heal, because it was killing and eating me inside. Sometimes, even when we choose to stay in a situation that we somehow know is less desirable or do not either have the mind set or strength or whatever keeps us there..., we can do this.

To get better what is on the outside of us, is sometimes harder to reach. So the alternative is to try to better ourselves. In time, in our life of our puzzle, you'll know what part will fit for you. Good luck!

it2speaks

Hugs honey., x

YourLastChance

This is a poem that is in a frame on my Mother-in-Law's home. I am now married to a wonderful man, but in the past have been in relationships where I was (psychologically) beaten-down and made to feel very small. It is a difficult situation to live in, and it is easy for people who do not understand to say "just leave!" -- they really mean well, but it sometimes takes a while for a person to reach the "enough is enough" point - to get the strength to really do it. Anyway, I hope this poem has meaning to you - and some others. It impacted me even several years after escaping the relationship I was in.

Comes the Dawn

After awhile you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And learn to build all your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.

by Veronica A. Shoffstall

slimeyapple

it is nice so many people have shared their stories and offered their opinions - we are not alone!

although i am not bipolar, i have a similar situation in that my husband, on his bad days, is selfish, emotionally abusive, closed off, always justified in his unhappiness, but never willing to hear any complaints or suggestions i may share without seeing me as a bitch, an antagonist, a selfish person with absolutely no reserve of good will for him (all his favorite phrases).

i often ask myself why am still with him, what i get out of the relationship, and he knows this becuase i've begun telling him when i feel that way, but it never gets better for long and when it is good, he is a decent, kind, intelligent, interesting, interested man and a good father, but not a loving, compromising, thoughtful, intimate husband.

so, i guess i am going to give you the advice i wish i could follow more passionately. Ask yourself these questions: what you do get out of your marriage? what does he do to make you feel good or special or irreplacable? what do you do to make him feel special? what do you want or need in your marriage that you are not getting? can you share your feelings and be true to yourself without getting hurt or being made to feel badly about yourself?
if your marriage does end, do you have a place to go or a way to make ends meet?

sounds like you'd be happier if you left, but i'd be happier if i left too and i haven't, though i often demand he move out and he won't and then we just go on autopilot until we are civil, trying to make it work, struggling, at each other's throats, and the cycle continues, so i may be projecting, but i think it is typical of men who put themselves first and feel entitled to be able to do so.

good luck and sooo sorry you are in the position you are in. Listen to those who say that you are a good person who deserves to be loved and treated well. even if you are not a good person, you still deserve love and kindness. and noone deserves abuse.

also, when my husband argues with me in front of my son, i talk to him how i'd talk to my son in the situation. I say things like, "excuse me, you need to settle down for a second." or "I am in the middle of doing XYZ. I'll be with you as soon as i'm done." or "that is not how someone talks to someone they supposedly care about." i used to argue back or play into his frustrations, but the first time i tried the "you cannot talk tome this way" one,my 4 yr. old surprised me by cheering, "yeah!" and raising his hand in a slap-me-5 position. kids aresmart.

also, your husband di not change overnight. your relationship did. two very different things.

needingintimacy

hlks
thanks for sharing your story with us...
what I have learned lately is that you need to take charge of yourself
you can go to therapy sessions yourself

this man will respect you more when he sees you are serious about your own recovery... i know it is very hard...but you HAVE to shift focus on him.. what he does or does not do.. he is just a human with mistakes. I am not justifying his actions, just telling you that you are the one who has control over YOUR life..they way you want to live it.. the people that will be around... your own mental health

many times I shifted guilt and judged my alcoholic ex but guess what, I was there enabling him, driving him when he was drunk, accepting his hurtful words and "forgiving", so you have to accept you are responsible 50% for keeping the status quo and expecting things he is not able to give you right now...

please take care of yourself first and foremost !!

duendecilla999

duendecilla, i am in therapy for myself.. i have been for a while. i take my meds like i'm supposed to and i follow the advice of my therapist in regards to my marriage. i have done and am doing everything that I can, everything that I have control over short of filing for divorce which isn't necessarily the right thing to do.

when someone is hurting you, being abusive, getting drunk every night,, whatever it may be... then sure, some of the blame may lie with you for enabling them... but most of it lies with them. i'm not sitting on the side just taking what he does and I don't enable him.. at least not anymore than is necessary to stay and fix the marriage.

sure.. everyone makes mistakes. but some things go past a mistake.

hlks

ugh! i can so relate to this. hang in there...

locaperdida

A friend of mine just gave me a book called Created to Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl. When I first started to read it I was thinking oh hell no will I do this crap!!! Myself being bipolar and having abandonment disorder and a list of other things this has not been a real easy thing for me to do. However, I did try a few things in the book that sounded crazy and I about fell over when they worked. Who knew! Anyway, my guy moved out a month ago and I feel worse now then when he was here. I wish he could come back just so I can love him like never before so that in the end knowing what I have learned from this book he will love me back later and I will get everything I have wanted all along.

pipilala

Ok you just said something very serious. You have an abusive husband. This is serious and it is not your fault. It is not your doing. It is his fault and his doing and it is very wrong. You need to digest what you've said. It needs to be made clear - to you and to him that this is inexcusable behaviour and if you wish to remain with him, you should only accept to do this under the condition that he does see someone about anger mangement and when and if he's over it, then you think about having a serious relationship with him. Do you understand how damamging this is for your children? Have you even thought about that? A two year you say? How can you even feel you can place a 2 yr in his care when you yourself are aware he's abusive? Lady, you have alot of issues to deal with called this sickness or that sickness or just this. An out of order husband and marriage. You need to come to terms with this - no excuses and no justifying - and I know it - it's shame that makes you feel unable to come forward - but there's no shame in it - you are not the one who should be ashamed, HE IS. You're just the victim and you need seriously to take a look at a domestic violence site - learn the patterns and protection and advice and the best thing you can do for yourself is to get away before you're hospitalised or dead - if you can manage it.

choasity

choasity, my husband is already in therapy and has been for a couple of months now and we'll be starting marriage counseling as soon as we can find someone to watch our son while we go. the counseling does seem to be helping as he's had very few bad days in the past couple of months.

hlks

I'm sorry but he needs a reality check. From one man to another. He needs to realize what he has in you. Or someone needs to make him realize what he has and appreciate it. I'm sorry to be forward but it sounds like he's not in the marriage anymore at all and is there for some other reason. =(

TekJoe

WHO CARES WAT U "HAD" WITH HIM!! I SAY LEAVE!! DON'T JUST STAY AN FEEL LIKE SHIT!!! 2 MANY PEOPLE DO THAT!! DO WATS RITE 4 U

GET OUT!!!!

blondchicky

this is your life not his, i say do what is best for you, the situation sounds really chaotic, you deserve better than that. just leave him, get custody of the child, and find a better place to live, you can't fix stupid. best of luck to you.

thelittlethingsgivey

Wow, you could be writing about me and my life. I too was diagnosed polar and after many years of constant mental and psychological abuse he inflicted, my diagnosis sealed the deal.He refused counseling or even learning about it. While at times he took over when I couldn't, it didn't change his behavior. He realised my biggest insecurity(his betrayal and the lossof his love) and exploited it to trigger me and push buttons. For the last 2 yrs he would purposly do it to get an argument going infront of our children. Unfortunately the weakerI got the more I let that happen. He ws also haffing an affair and I knew it but typically he would dnie it all and call me crazy and paranoid. It's my bi-polar. It tore me up inside..every single day. None of my feelings were valedated and mostly shrugged off.
At first I did believe it was my fault. If I could fix me then I could fix us. Only later did I realise fixing me still would not fix us. After leaving us for 10 days with no idea of his whereabouts he came home for easter druggd and stole the kids out of the house and came back to tell me he had filed for not only divorce but custody of ourchildren and emmediate evac from the house. After being picked apart, emotionally beaten down day after day I was a mess. He knew my strength was sapped and I would crumble. I made a huge mistake an took all the pills he handed to me since my life was over.
He thought I was almost gone when he asully walked out the door. Then my kids came to mind and I knew it was wrong so crawling to a neihbours house I got to a hospital.
Come to find out his mother and sister and girlfriend had helped him plannout my destruction for a year an a half.
He s using the bi-polar as a way to say I am unfit.

I was beaten down for years, diabolically manipulated and had my life ripped away from me.

You need to get him out of your life. I can honestly say I don't feel he has any intention of changing and you need love and support and encouragement not what he is doing. Don't wait around till he destroys your life. Don't give him another second to abuse you.

I will be prayong for you.

Tweets89

same ole same ole, just thought I would pop in and request update on repeat same ole dated store and to say hello. hope you had a wonderful Christ mas and that day was as speical as you are.
keep on keeping on moveing forward - your a strong person & you've came a long way - no looking bk now only good things lay ahead for you.

Admiral

do not let anyone tell you that you can heal this situation or make it better. he is selfish, a child, and just does not care anymore. it is tough to buy, i know. but you get help for yourself and your child, and try to get out of your living situation. if it gets better, it will only be temporary and then it will be back to the same old thing.
twinks

twinklee1

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