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hlks 
3:19pm Sunday
Not cutting is extremely difficult right now. I feel completely unloved and worthless. I found a letter that my H wrote to the woman he cheated with yesterday. It talked about how much he loved her and how he would always love her, etc. I know our situation is a little different, but it still hurts. I feel like I must not be good enough if he could love her so much and just toss me aside. While he was telling her he'd never abandon her or forsake her, he was abandoning me and forsaking me. While he was so happily in love with her he was abusing and neglecting me. And he says that it should be all better because, after all, he chose to stay with me instead of her. But does that really mean anything? Love is not the only reason to stay with someone after all.
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Stop cutting for 3 months
Progress 65%
Encouragements: 2
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I am not a cutter, but I have had the urge to hurt myself over a man. After careful contemplation and examining the entire situation, I decided that NO ONE was worth hurtimg myself over. I wonder if you have something in common with me.... did one of your parents let you down when you were little? Did either of them have any addictions?
cassidy
Cutting isn't about other people. It's about yourself. It's about not being able to deal with an out of control situation full of pain.
I was abused as a child. My mom never had any addictions. She was never around..had too many jobs. My aunts and grandparents were abusive and she never knew. Most of the abuse was emotional, verbal, and psychological, but,to a lesser extent, also physical. I can't say they let me down because I never expected much from them. I'll say that my brother let me down a lot. He was older and I expected him to do what big brothers do and look out for me, protect me. Instead he was a bully.
hlks
I'm curious why a painful out of control situation would make you want to cause physical pain. Is it like anorexia or bulemia in that you are in control of SOMETHING?
I'm sorry to hear about your childhood. It totally sucks. My father was an alcoholic and hid it from the "outside world". Everyone thought we were so "lucky" to live in a nice big house with expensive stuff. They never knew what went on behind closed doors. I watched him kick the crap out of my mother on a regular basis and then blame her for the beatings. It was really scary as a kid, and I went to counseling when I was in my 30's for it. That was the best thing I had ever done for myself up to that point. I wonder, do you have access to counseling? There are a bunch of people here on DS that are helpful, too. BTW, where is your brother now?
cassidy
I'm not really sure of the complete psychological reasons for self injury. I think it usually does have to do with control- like you said..just being able to control something. I don't know. That's usually the explanation that I roll with, but before I heard that explanation I always thought it was more of an externalization of internal pain. I was hurting so badly and it helped to have the marks on the outside. It was like a distraction or, more so, like a self punishment. A lot of the pain I felt, even if it was caused by other people, caused guilt. Because if people hurt me it MUST be my fault, right? So I deserved more pain. Typically people who are abused end up blaming themselves for the abuse.
My brother joined the marines out of high school. I don't know if he's still a bully or not since I don't live with him. He's typically very goofy.. he was in high school too. I know very little about his personal life.
I am going to counseling and so is my husband. I don't think it's helping much though.. need to find someone different. This therapist I'm with now doesn't think my childhood is very important or plays a role in my current drives. He thinks it's all about the bipolar. (logic is that since i can't control the bipolar then it would be useless to work on any other issues)
I'm sorry to hear about your childhood. Even if your dad didn't hit you directly it was still a horribly abusive situation.
hlks
Does he mean that since he stayed that things are just fine & can go on like nothing happened? Sorry, that just ain't gonna fly!!! There's a huge amount of hurt her has to own up to and be responsibile for. It could take you a very long time to feel secure with him again. I know, I almost lost my husband the same way. We're still together, but it's tricky some days.
Andiekins
He doesn't think that it makes everything okay, but I think that he thinks it should be more okay than it is. That I shouldn't question his love for me because she's the one who's gone, not me. He thinks I should be "oh, he loves me so much!" and I just can't. Because if he loved me so much he wouldn't have caused so much hurt to begin with.
hlks
This is the kind of thing that is very difficult to overcome, and it will not be done overnight, particularly if the offending party tries to bnrush it off. It was a betrayal of trust, and once trust has been damaged, it will never be completely the same again.
LynneC