Join Now
bluesun 
10:19pm Saturday
St Luis was exhausting.... i came back totally frazzled and tired. it was good to be there and was moving, but so very tiresom. i told them that next year they need to break it up and have the events broken down over 2 days and not all just crammed into a 24 hr period. all of us there are disabled vets and cramming things into a 24 hr period is insane. the pain was unbearable and i had almost NO sleep over the 4 days. i was only in St Luis for a little over 24 hrs and the rest was travel time. holy cow.... .
when i got home, i had told Matthew that i was at my wits end and needed sleep and rest. but instead of getting peace and quiet, it ended up being a total nightmare. he did nothing but argue with me for 2 days straight. it got so bad, i was throwing small objects and telling him to get the f*ck out of my life. told him to leave the f*cking island. he started breaking down crying and saying good bye to Miko (the cat) just sobbing and crying. so i called his best friend over to come talk some sense into him. she talked to him for 2 whole hrs (in the midle of the night) and told us that we have to work it out, cuz whoever we date in the future (if we break up) we'll end up killing them.
turns out that he was giving me so much shit cuz last month when they dx his buldging disc in his neck we had gotten into an argument and he thought i when i said "i didn't give a shit" that i was referring to his injury. so when i got back from St Luis his arguing with me was his way of getting even. then i explained to him when i said i didn't give a shit, it was referring to his ATTITUDE, not his injury. suddenly everyTHing changes. WTF. i told him he has no love anymore. and that's why i was thinkin of getting him out of my life.
we saw the couples counselor Fri and she talked us thru it. we are starting over fresh and leaving all bad behaviors in the past and to stop assuming what the other person said. PLUs NO MORE GETTING EVEN.
today, i'm just trying to get this ex land lady of ours from last year (right b4 we bought this house), into the f*cking court room and to get my f*cking money back!!!! i can't walk away from $2,700! that's a lot of money! i'm stressin pretty bad about it. i spoke to legal aid and will bring the paper work down to them tomorrow.
in other news.... it's been like 1.5 months off cymbalta and i'm still having withdrawals. having brain zaps and all. saw rheumatology yesterday and they are just useless!! worthless! i'm just gonna follow up with neurology from now on (for the fibromyalgia). tired of ignorant docs.
Thanksgiving is coming up, so i gotta get my mind straight and start counting my blessings. Gotta thank God for all He has given me. if any of you reading this want to be on my holiday cards list, just let me know. private messsge me your adrs and such!
take care for now! Gods bless! and as usual, if you have any advice, i'm all ears.
Comments
i can't even watch the news anymore... almost every day i hear more and more news about teenagers doing such HEINOUS crimes at such young ages. i'm so sick and tired of hearing it! not too long ago, there were those 13 and 14 yr old boys that went into a school and raped a 12 yr girl repeatedly for 3 days!!! then the 6 teens that beat a 15 yr old girl unconcious and then raped her! and today i hear about some teens that poured gas on another kid and lit him on fire-- ALIVE!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO PEOPLE THESE DAYS??!!!!! do parents NOT teach their young RIGHT and WRONG anymore??!?!?! my heart is so broken, my soul aches. i feel so helpless for not being able to go and find all these teens and TOURTURE THEM! i want to cause inhuman pain to them. not kill them, just cause horrendus pain to them. and for all the rapists out there, i wish a law were passed for all of you to get castrated. forget jail or "rehabilitaion" ... just castrate the fuckers, no matter what their age. if they are young enough to know what rape is and act it out, then they should have their damn balls cut off for the rest of their lives. the victims live with scarrs forever, so the perpetrator should have scars and pain for the rest of their lives too! an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth!!! if i had the money and power, i would PAY for people to do damage to those fucks! that's were my money would go... every time some innocent person or kid gets hurt that way, i would be paying others to hurt all those who did it, AND the poeple that stood there and just watched with out doing anything, they would get hurt just as bad, just for watching and letting it happen!
i feel like this nation has become a GODLESS nation. nobody does what's right anymore, just whatever their EVIL hearts desire.
....EXHALE....
in other news....
i'm flying out to ST Luis MO for a confrence Thur night- Mon ...the org that funded me to start my group last year is holding it, and paying for it. i'm excited! can't wait to network with them and maybe they can help me jump start my group again since the military hospital STOLE my group behind my back AND are taking credit for it!!! worse part is they didn't ask to include me, just took it from me. backstabbing assholes!!
Sonnie is thinkin of cancelling the trip to the philipines due the 4th typhoon hitting them and closing the airport. but i'm telling you, he is so nuts that if the air port was still open, no matter how disasterous the condition is, he would still go. nut case!! i still plan on taking him to the hospital when i get back from my trip.
we took in another kitten. i found her laying on the pavement out side in the parking lot half dead. she's about 5-6 weeks old and blind. i mean she can see shadows but mostly blind. her eyes got infected and damaged. we are nursing her back to health and then i will find her a loving family who can care for a blind cat. so far, the vet (doc) said that if they CAN save her sight it won't be much at all and she'll mostlikely be permanently blind. but honestly.... if it were up to me, i'd find homes for Miko and Spike and just keep the little kitty instead. we named her Hersheys- like the candy bar because she is THE SWEETEST kitty i've ever come across! she just loves hugs and kisses, and she constantly gives kisses and purrs! i'd rather keep her over the other 2 kittens. LOL. but Matthew said we are NOT giving the other kittens away! if we have to, we will keep all 4 cats. ---oh great, i said, that's a freakin house full! yikes!
also... it's been a little over a few weeks since off cymbalta, but i'm still having withdrawals. mainly just the brain zapps now. but it's getting less frequent! thank GOD!!!!
so that's all for now.... yeah i know, lots goin on. i love you all my friends and i do really take your advice to heart. it means so much to me. y'all rock!! God bless and take care!
ps. don't forget to email me when you write your journals.
Comments
-
I am like you...... the news is getting to me. The things that kids are doing to each other. I have read every story you mentioned and it sickens me. Makes me as angry as you are....... And I would do the same thing. I hope you have a great trip... cant wait to hear about it!! I hope the withdrawals end soon.... you are in my thoughts! Love and hugs.
-
I totally understand how you feel about the news! I get so tired of turning it on, just to hear all the bad things that are happening! Very rarely do we hear anything good anymore! It's really quite sad!
Have a great and safe trip to St. Louis! Can't wait to hear all about it! Thank you so much for the card! I really and truly needed that more than you know! You are so awesome! Love ya!
-
We have definatly become a Godless nation. !! When the young punks see that they won't have anything done to them, they let the devil that is inside them just go on a rampage and do as much to whomever they choose. No consequences argh don't get me started on that......and this military man in Ft.Hood!!!!!!! gave copies of the Koran to his neighbors BEFORE killing his fellow soldiers. You want to tell me the Muslims are peace loving people MR. PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!
-
yah well, the Prez is a muslim him self anyway. that's why he said that. he's a lying asshole. and um, muslims believe that they are allowed to lie if it's for the name of Allah. it says that in the Al'Quran (koran). so anyone muslim, i can't trust, let alone if they are our prez. God only knows what he'll let happen to us.
did i mention that the past month was hellish?? well it had gotten worse over the past couple weeks.
good news is, Matthew isn't suicidal anymore. also we had our 1st couples counseling on the 19th (Oct).
bad news is.... well it's a long list:
the side effects of getting off cymbalta has been total HELL. my head has been pulsating, brain ZAPPING~~, eyes pulsating, vision quivering, body throbbing, head pain, light and sound pain, etc. of all and any med i ever had to get off of, this is by far THE WORST i've ever had it. this has been the worst physical and mind twisting torment EVER. i'm just now beginning to feel the withdrawals taper down just a wee bit. but there were days where i couldn't even sit up or even talk. that's how bad it had gotten.but it will continue to get better.
Sonnie (my younger bro).... where do i even begin?
he has been showing traits of a mental illness that runs strong and hard on my dad's side of the family (my dad has it, grandpa had it, uncles have it, cousins have it) for some time now. -BUT-- recently, sonnie has become much worse. most of the worsening [i think] is contributed by his "new found church". they have been throwing so much fuel on the fire. and today, i just found out how bad it actually is and what nightmare lies ahead if we don't stop this NOW.
a break down of the traits: 1>delusional thoughts that they are above the "physical laws" [physics] and try to prove all theories wrong. 2> thoughts that they are "chosen" by God to a higher calling above everyone else [ex: prophet of some kind]. 3> thoughts that they do NOT have to adhear to any standards. 4> tend to walk out on the family on some higher calling BS. Grandpa did this to us, my dad did it to us, some of my uncles have done it to their families.
what i found out about the church: they have an "opostle" (sp?) from the philipines that has come here to the islands and brought teachings [has returned already]. what the teachings are: {basically} God provides everything if you prove to him you are worthy by "forsaking" money, "forsaking" food, and whatever else BABBLE they put in his head. Sonnie is planning to visit this opostle in the philipines THIS november TO LEARN TO BECOME LIKE HIM!!! he has no money to do it {but they have convinced him that God will give him money out of the sky}, he has had NO immunizations/shots, doesn't even have his passport ready, & the list goes on. NOT TO MENTION that there has been repeated typhoons hitting them! floods, disasters, deaths, and illnesses as a result from the flooding, and i DO NOT want him to get sick or bring an illness back here! they have convinced him that the end of the world is HERE NOW and he should take the oppertunity to fly to the Philipines before the world actually ends. forget that he has signed a 30 yr mortgage loan with me {last year} and forget eating or buying groceries, or whatever else any responsible humin being has do to.
NOW i know why he was threatening to NOT buy groceries the other day (when it was his turn) and was threatening to NOT eat!!! it all makes sense now! OMG! these cultic people have lost their damn minds!!! they are fucking people's families over by teaching this shit!!! i don't need this after what grandpa and dad did to us so many times! GRRRRR
i can't seem to get PEACE OF MIND AROUND HERE!!!!! it's one f#cked up problem after another!!!
Matthew and i are coming up with strageties to get sonnie admited to a hospital and treated for his "delusions", maybe put him on a med to help stablize him, at least do somehting to help him! maybe they can knock some common sense and REALITY back into him! we have talked to him about this matter before but this time he's just so far worse off. something has to be done before he completely alienates his self from the rest of the family like my dad did {who hasn't spoken to us in how many years, and haven't seen him in 13 yrs}.
this is just bad... sorry the news has been crazy lately... life has kind of been turned upsaide down here....
thanks for being there. i need all the support and prayers i can get right now. you all rock!
UPDATED GOALS
reorganize room
Progress 80%
Encouragements: 1
Add your supportComments
-
Blue,
Sorry that you are going through all this. That cult does sound really messed up and if Sonny is unstable to begin with then it would be easier to convince him of these things. I don't know if it’s an option where you are but here you can have people committed by the court for 30-day evaluation if they are a danger to themselves or others. In the meantime, I wouldn't mention the issues that would interfere with his ability to take his trip so that hopefully it won't happen. Good luck with all this!!
-
Never apologize for having a bad time.... that is what we are here for! I think your brother needs some help. Soon. Life it seems is hitting us all like a brick in the face.... I wish it would stop. I truly hope you feel better soon..... I hate that the meds are doing this to you......I will pray that things get better... wishing you the most..... we are here. Love and hugs!!!
-
Wow, blue....so much for you to have to deal with....I'm glad Matthew is better....hoping and praying that the counseling continues to help. Also praying for your brother....that group sounds scary. Please take care of you during all this too! Prayers and HUGS from down south :)
-
prayers and hugs for u... i hope that Michael stays better abd u guys get a solution for Sonnie.. gosh, cults are so difficult to deal with.. pls also take very good care of urself as the weaning off cymbalta can leave u emotionally vulnerable.. wil keep u in good thoughts and hope and pray for positive change....
-
OK, Jar Jar. Straight up. You have to let go and let God. Whatever you call God. You have to come first this time. Horrible as it is, your brother has to live his own life. One skin with one life inside. That is how this hummer works. We are in this together alone. Except for whatever our higher power is. Like it or not, you have an assignment. The assignment is to take care of Alicia. You have to put on your own oxygen mask before you rush off to try to put on other people's. Please learn to trust that you are not the only one involved in the rescues that need doing. I talked to some sages about this, and they said the universe will not be needing your help right now, and it thanks you for the offer. Now my offer is, as always, to tell you my truth as direct and straight as I can. That is more like my duty. My pleasure is to love doing it. You are a dinkum mate, and a strong presence in my life. It is your turn to be helped. Won't you try to let it in? And I am sending my own angel after Sonnie. No guaruntees. But He is on the way!
-
Bob is so right (he must be a 12 stepper!). I know you love your brother and I know he's putting you in a tough situation and that right now your life sucks. I also know that you know and love and trust God and he's the only one who can do everything that needs to be done for you. I used to keep a note by my bed that said "Dear Carol, Thanks, but I don't need any help today. Love, God". It reminded me how powerless I am, that I am a part of a whole and don't alway understand my part in it, and that I need to give it all to God. Even if I take it back, He's willing to let us keep giving it back to Him. It gets easier with time. In the meantime I'll be asking for strenght and peace for you. And know that we all love you.
Carol
-
You can always spot the 12-steppers LOL The program was the blessing hidden under the curse of my low-life alcoholic now-ex-husband :)
OK I can't even go there about the church - that is fucked up - see I wasn't even a Marine and I can curse like one! :) Anyway, the only thing I'm going to say is that the minister who married me (the third time) had a sign on his desk that I've never forgotten. It said "Pray to God but row for shore!" There is that other saying - "God helps them who help themselves."
Even though I'm not of that faith, I was raised Christian, and nobody ever bothered to tell me I could just sit on my ass and WAIT for God to take care of me. That kind of literal interpretation of the "lilies of the field" passages of the Bible is just wrong. The Universe, God, whatever you call your higher power, is not there as your Nanny - you have to get off your ass and take care of yourself, and hopefully when you do the right things for the right reasons, you'll get some support and help from God, the Universe, or whatever.
Sending healing energy and light in your direction - I hope you can get him admitted and treated.
-
-
I am so sorry for what you are going through with your brother. I pray you can get your brother into treatment. God helps those who help themselves. Your brother isn't in a place where he can do that....and it's wonderful that he has you in his corner. I've watched, and read, many things on cults. It amazes me how quickly they can brainwash people. They tend to pray on those who are having difficulties in their lives, whatever that might be. (For some reason what you wrote about the church is in symbols so I was unable to read it.
I am glad that Matt is doing better and that you 2 are going to counseling. I'm sure that has to give you peace of mind.
I'm here if you need me sweetie. Sending you lots of love, hugs and prayers!
Teresa
-
Hey, girl! I'm sorry to hear about your brother. However, like AzGal45 wrote, I was unable to read what you wrote about the church because it was in symbols. I know you'll fill me in when you get a chance. Just know I'm here for you and that I'm sending you my prayers and my love! Things will get better! Love ya! xoxoxo
Past Entries
Goal Updated
Hi, friend...only since you asked, here's my advice...worth about two cents (LOL)..forget the $2700 and forget the ex land lady..you said you are "stressing out pretty bad about it". Can you let it go? If so, it may be well worth the peace it can bring you.
Sounds like a good time to read and reread the Serenity Prayer..
All the best..Mary
ps how do I private message you?
marymargaret
i can't let $2,700 go. i NEED the money, that is why i'm stressed. if i didn't need the money i wouldn't be stressed.
bluesun
Hey, sista! All I can say is that I'm happy to hear that you and Matthew are getting through things. You guys are really good together. It would make me really sad if y'all broke up. As for the money, I hope you get it back. It's definitely not easy when you know you need the money and you stress over it because then it makes things worse for you. I'm here for you and have your back, so, let me know if there's anything I can do! The last thing I wanted to say is that I love you and that I will be here for you always! Take care. xoxoxo
babygirl28
You wants me aughtta go busts em up a bit?! jk
Yer in HAwaii, get the DOG to go have a talk. Evabody love da DOG right? lol okay, I have no advice, sorry
mrcoffee
You're probably not going to like this, but people don't change unless they want to and Matthew has not demonstrated any real desire to change. The "getting even" thing is behond childish. He's messed up in ways that will take years of hard work to fix, and even then he has to want to do the work, and it IS work.
Cut him loose. Tell him to get in touch with you after he's been in therapy for a year and making progress. You deserve peace in your life and you're not going to get it with him. Some people are "addicted" to drama because that's what's "normal" for them - if there is no drama they will start some because they can't deal with peace and quiet.
Better to be alone and in peace than with someone and no peace.
PeaceN2You
maybe you guys just need to start to basics again. start dating, maybe he can stay with a friend for a few weeks or maybe in another room in the house. then you can start over and rekindle your friendship again!
he just got out of the army right? so he's probably still adjusting to regular life and trying to find his place again. hope everything works out with you both! and.. keep fighting for the money don't get stressed get mad!! lol ya Hawaii landlords suck!! get that money girl!!!!! hugzzz
purplemoon