KatieC's Journal

I feel as if I'm back to the begining. no hope no help and no reason. What if plagues my mind. Would it be better or not on the other side? because anything then this seems so much better. my back is fucking killing me and i'm sick of it ruining my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's been almost six years now and it isn't getting any easier. when a bad day hits and all of you know what thats like it seems as if a minute where an hour. I am 25 not 80 god damn it! is he even there anyway? god that is ? I mean why the fuck are we the way we are if he where there? The  only reason I haven't done the deed is because it's his descision when I die but if he doesnt exist then why not do it? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hey all so sorry have not been there for you.ive been dealing with alot of shit my way. mike and i are getting a divorce and i have moved out. it's all good though.we want this. I have finally excepted my addiction and am getting outpatient help right now for it. i almost o.d. a few weeks ago. the depression has just been so bas for so long that ive slipped into an addict.well as you all know ive been for awhile but because of the pain i couldnt deal with it. as we all know pain controls us and our minds.well mine took over and has just been trying to feed the pain for so long now that im a lost soul.I am happier than I have been in years. i'm with someone i love and who says he loves me. I used to live with him in middleton where mike and i just moved out of in march.I know it's a sticky situation.but he's my rock right now and has always been. we have been seeing each other for a very long time now but it is not the reason for me leaving mike. i had to to get better off all the substances and i couldnt do that while living in my self pitty world. mike is such a great guy and he will never be happy or content with a pain sufferer or an addict.and nor am I. I want to live with myself not feeling the guilt of bringing my family down or friends. I am in a 21 day program and I see hope at the other end but it is a real struggle right now.I have no house no money no job no addition little michael is with his father and not much support and yet the pain is still there. it's managable though.I can get over this I WILL, I WILL, I WILL! I hope everyone is ok I dont have time to check very often but i promise I will soon. please pray for me to get better and to be able to deal with the up coming days that will get harder as the days go by. thanks to all my friends , love, katie

yes i am alive! bearly but breathing. I miss you all so much. I miss my twin and hope all is well.we bought a house three months ago in nh and it's been very very hectic.Almost unpacked but got a ways to go.it's hard with pain and a child to unpack a house.and now i take care of my sisters two kids on top of that.lifes been crazy but dealing day to day.I hardley ever take pills they do nothing for me anymore im ammune to them now.i have constinent pain but i drink to eleveate the pain.Im sorry i havent been on forever I am just too sick of complaining about the pain even to you who understand it.I would rather hide it and live in everyone elses perfect world then bring anymore people down with me.I am on the verge of divorce and could care less.oh dont worry it's me i cheated again.I cause all the problems.he's trying so hard to keep it going but I really dont want to.we are so distant and he will never understand what i go through nor do i want him to.he is too good of a guy to have to live this way.i am only 24 and it's like he's married to an 80 year old.I wish he would just give up so I could go on with my life.dont get me wrong i love him and always will but when im around him i can see and hear the hate he has towards me for ruining his life dealing with a chronic pain sufferer.I think i would be happier knowing he was with someone who could treat him the way he should be treated.I dont even care about my feelings so how can I care about his or anyone elses.I just think it would be better for all if i left them alone that way i would feel better about myself.if friends met me now they would know what they were getting into and i would feel that they were my friends .not that they had to be around me because they knew me before the accident and it was there dutie to call me and see how i was while rolling their  eyes on the other end.well i am going on and on so i hope to talk to you guys soon i hope everyone is ok and i have been thinking of you often. please pray that i have the strength to come back to ds and find true friends again it's hard telling your feelings to anyone when you dont want to hear them yourself. love ya all-katie