Journal

Feeling pretty shitty today. I filed custody papers this week, feeling like I had done a good thing. Get things moving in a forward direction and all. But then I talked to one of my sisters and now I'm doubting whether I've done the right thing. There's a few people in my support network who, when I'm confused and need to talk to help sort things out, will say "I can't make this decision for you" and I don't want them to. But then how come they feel it's okay to tell me that they think I've made the wrong decision once I make one??? I don't get it.

I'm really glad I found this website. It helps to read other people entries and know other people are feeling the same way and going through some of the same things. And not to have to worry about being judged, because hey, it's pretty anonymous. So if somebody doesn't like what I say, so what?! I know I've done the right thing for myself and my baby boy (BB). And BB is a wonderful, wonderful boy, so I must be doing something right. I won't let my husband suck me into fights, and I'm doing pretty well at setting boundaries with him. But it takes a lot of self-control. And it's great to be able to come here and let it out instead of telling him what I really think of him. It's somehow more cathartic putting it out in cyberspace rather than writing it in my journal at home.

So when I make plans to go somewhere during his scheduled visitation and he's a no show, I can come here and say I think he's a jackass. And wonder why if his self-declared need to be with his son is so great, he can just no show because he was sleeping? And to then say it's my fault because I only rang and rang the doorbell and knocked and knocked on the door....but "why didn't you call," he asks? What the hell??? And then tell me that since he didn't get to see him Thursday night, then he's going to take him Sunday aftenoon instead. So the rules are now that he can just no show for a visitation and I have to readjust the rest of our (my and BB's) week. Oh, okay, sure. Whatever you want, dear. It is all about you after all. Of course it's not about your son. And how behavior like this will affect him when he's older. Who knows what he's able to pick up on now?

Why does it have to be a big power trip? Why can't he just consider what's best for BB and do the right thing? Is it right that he decided not to pay the meager $520 child support anymore? But he can take some woman he just met out for a $75 dinner (that's a lot for a dinner here) one night and a $50 dinner the next. (The credit card bill still comes here.) Doing that on a regular basis on a $30k a year salary, I guess one can't afford to pay child support.

He's a jerk. He's a jerk. He's a jerk!

I don't feel good, but I feel better.