BetrayedAngel's Journal

My friend on here writes daily thanks in her journal. I think that is a great idea, and its totally her idea. I may have to borrow it lol.

The insomnia is still continuing to improve. I did have it really bad over the weekend, but I picked myself up and tried again.  Last night I went to bed at 9 and woke up at 4. I did try to sleep with my machine on, but after an  hour and a half of jolting awake with hypopneas with it STILL on my face, I ripped it off and rolled over. I don't recall much after that, except an apnea .. or ten. I know I didn't get up to pee during the night which is usually a good sign that my body received SOME type of oxygen that I needed- though I was still pretty desperate for air last night. 

My girlfriend Faith came over yesterday. Shes a spontaneous person and arrived with all three of her boys in tote and said "lets go, we're going to Keystone". I grabbed up Dess ( my daughter) and off we went. I was out from 2:30 to 8:30.   I wasn't exactly feeling well ( my lyme is flaring) but I did manage to get out, get some sun and have a good time. Faith mentioned to me that it was obvious I was depressed. I was set back.I knew I'm depressed, but I thought I hid it well. She let me in on something "its obvious. Its very obvious".  I am hoping that once I CAN START taking the antidepressant/sleep med on a regular basis that I start to improve. Right now, I am not allowed as it interferes with muscle spasms ( doesn't let you have any) and since they are trying to determine if I have Spinchter of Oddi Dysfunction in my stomach ( which the Oddi is a muscle)... we need it to act bad to "catch" the diagnosis. In other words, I can't be relaxing the muscle they believe needs to be removed to end my almost decade long stomach pain. 

I am stressed out though big time. I have a lot of things on my mind and there seems like no answer in sight ( finances, house, health, etc) and a vehicle that is falling apart. I have no family here except my mom and dad, and one crack head sister... so I get to help. I don't need it. I will struggle on somehow. 

one of my friends from college ( both colleges I attended) called me the day before yesterday. I was kinda shocked to hear from him. He was ANOTHER one that Lew got rid of. His name is Lou too- except it is spelled differently, obviously lol.  Lou and I are going out on Saturday. I hate to admit this, but I really didn't mind that Lew nixed THAT relationship. Had I not picked Lew S. as my boyfriend, I would have ended up with Lou C, back then. Um........

I really wish I would have. I made sure to tell him its NOT a date, lol. I am just not ready, and I don't mean just emotionally. I am not ready by any means for a relationship. Right now its about me and my kids, and I really don't have the time for any man to try to get in the way of that or sulk that I don't give him attention or time. I don't HAVE attention or time.  I can't even get away with peeing in my house without someone knocking on the door, or my ankle biting dog weasling his way in and nudging himself between my knees while I am trying to pee! 

It's testing. It's very testing.  But I do it. Thank god for friends like Faith. And, I am thankful she was honest with me and that it is obvious I am depressed. I wondered... if it is obvious to HER, is it to my kids as well?  I am not going to ask them... thats just not a question you ask your kids. 

Sooooo as borrowed from my friend, I am going to list everything I am happy about:

1.) That I got to spend quality time with Destiny yesterday even though we both ended up sunburned pups. LOL. 

2.) For my older son brenten, for spending his lawn mowing money that he earned from my XH on "surprise doughnuts" yesterday morning. It was very cute and sweet ( we live on the same road as a bakery). 

3.) For Richy's smile. Even at 6 am... he still has the best smile. 

4.) My girlfriend Faith for letting me in on the sad fact that I can't hide things too well. 

5.) The CPAP machine. It works, for now. 

6.) Lou walking back into my life out of no where. Its still interesting.....

7.) Me, for standing up to myself to my biological father. 

8.) Vinegar. It takes the sting out of sunburn. 

9.) Buttchow. Don't giggle. Ok, go ahead. Laugh your ass off. I have a kitten and I named her Buttchow, aka RectalRocket. 

When she was first born... everything was in its place, so to speak. Well, after an incident of her pooping (she has very long hair) I noticed her ... anus... was well uh... not in the right place. I ended up having to take her to the vet and she has an anal gland problem and he had to uh... yeah.. fix it. Well, it comes back. She is going to end up having to have them removed. The issue is she is a long haired cat that doesn't clean her own butt, so she keeps getting anal gland infections and .. well things protrude. So, in short, I named her buttchow ( and the poor cat responds to this). I WAS calling her RectalRocket, but my daughter thought that was horrible LOL. SpinchterBubble was another name I had in mind... but.. you know.. kids and all. So buttchow works.  The way *I* say it , which is very quickly, it sounds like BaChow, so my daughter doesn't quite know I am calling the cat butt ... chow....

ANYWAYS, I am very thankful for this cat. She is EXTREMELY loving and kind and I am not much of a cat person AT ALL. The only reason I do  have her is because she has the anal gland issue and I know *I* would take care of her. I am not so sure anyone else would. But hey, I can get on my gloves and express anal glands like taught... gag... 

Its impossible to be sad around this cat. She is a complete clown that would do ANYTHING TO GET your attention. I just don't want her rubbing her butt on me! Ewwwwww! 

But anyways, I didn't name her buttchow due TO her problem.... but due TO the problem, one day after getting out of the litter box, she had stuff stuck all to her and I had to chase her around to wipe her hind end. After I was done cleaning her up, I held her and it just fell out of my mouth. i said "how come you always make ME clean off your butt... chow?" 

10.) Music. Love it. can't live without it. 

11.) The Nicoderm patch. 

12.) Aussie Shampoo. Its the ONLY darned thing that works on my hair. 

13.) The dollar store for selling it at 3 bucks per bottle lol. 

14.) The gift of patience which I tend to have insurmountable amounts of... 

Well, thats it for now. Its time for me to get Richy ready for summer school. Then I have to hit the house and start cleaning and I have to make a bazillion phone calls and pay bills and all that fun stuff. I also need to do that whole log into work thing sometime or another LOL.