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snakecharmer 
I screwed up BIG BIG BIG time. On Wednesday night, on the way home at 9pm I went and bought a pack of cigarettes. Because I was going to email my xbf (with whom I have been in contact for the last 3 months) that night and tell him that either we s**t or get off the pot. Either we do this or I don't want to talk to him anymore cuz I can't handle this - my nerves have been raw. I've been obsessing about it and I can't handle it.
I had a few and then ran the pack under the sink so they'd get all wet, and then I threw them out. I did the same thing next day (Thurs) after having 2. Friday night, I didn't have any, but I went and stayed the weekend with my kids at my xhusband's, and his ashtray had butts. You know what I did?? Take a wild guess. I lit those stupid butts Friday night. Same thing last night. Today I snagged a pack of his and probably smoked about 4 of them. I can't do this, not after having quit.
The thing that really bothers me, is not the withdrawal anymore.. it's not being able to friggin FOCUS! Ever since I quit, I haven't been able to journal (which used to be a big part of my life) - I used to work out all my "stuff" by journaling, write about my life, etc. I haven't been able to write more than a sentence or two at any time, so I finally gave up. AND, I can't read like I used to. The two things that were really important to me.
They tell you how to deal with the cravings. What they don't tell you is how to deal with not being able to focus. Even at work, I haven't been able to get my work done. It's been really tough - I find myself trying to get back on task over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over - even though I'm already ON ADHD meds. It's so frustrating I want to cry. I end up not being able to think straight. Like my brain is boxed in. I feel like I've lost myself.
Anyhow, I went to the doctor on Tuesday. He gave me a prescription for Chantix, which I hadn't filled yet, but after this weekend? I'm filling it. So what if it costs over $100 per month. I don't care. I don't WANT to go back to smoking! I hate it and I don't want to do it. It feels gross. It's like shoving garbage into my newly clean body. I'm getting it filled tomorrow.
God help me, God help us all. I pray for all the people who are trying so hard to quit. Who are still smoking because they don't believe they can quit. Who are having medical problems or have been given a death sentence because of a lifetime of smoking. Who are flirting with the idea of having their first ever cigarette.
Who is the patron saint of addicts? Of smokers? There's gotta be one. I'm going to find out and pray a novena. I lost a battle this weekend. I'm still alive and kicking though. Still in the ring. And it ain't over until I win.
I had a few and then ran the pack under the sink so they'd get all wet, and then I threw them out. I did the same thing next day (Thurs) after having 2. Friday night, I didn't have any, but I went and stayed the weekend with my kids at my xhusband's, and his ashtray had butts. You know what I did?? Take a wild guess. I lit those stupid butts Friday night. Same thing last night. Today I snagged a pack of his and probably smoked about 4 of them. I can't do this, not after having quit.
The thing that really bothers me, is not the withdrawal anymore.. it's not being able to friggin FOCUS! Ever since I quit, I haven't been able to journal (which used to be a big part of my life) - I used to work out all my "stuff" by journaling, write about my life, etc. I haven't been able to write more than a sentence or two at any time, so I finally gave up. AND, I can't read like I used to. The two things that were really important to me.
They tell you how to deal with the cravings. What they don't tell you is how to deal with not being able to focus. Even at work, I haven't been able to get my work done. It's been really tough - I find myself trying to get back on task over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over - even though I'm already ON ADHD meds. It's so frustrating I want to cry. I end up not being able to think straight. Like my brain is boxed in. I feel like I've lost myself.
Anyhow, I went to the doctor on Tuesday. He gave me a prescription for Chantix, which I hadn't filled yet, but after this weekend? I'm filling it. So what if it costs over $100 per month. I don't care. I don't WANT to go back to smoking! I hate it and I don't want to do it. It feels gross. It's like shoving garbage into my newly clean body. I'm getting it filled tomorrow.
God help me, God help us all. I pray for all the people who are trying so hard to quit. Who are still smoking because they don't believe they can quit. Who are having medical problems or have been given a death sentence because of a lifetime of smoking. Who are flirting with the idea of having their first ever cigarette.
Who is the patron saint of addicts? Of smokers? There's gotta be one. I'm going to find out and pray a novena. I lost a battle this weekend. I'm still alive and kicking though. Still in the ring. And it ain't over until I win.
Comments
Saint Therese of Lisieux, who also is the Patron Saint of People with tuberculosis, which is the closest I could find to smoking. There is no special saint for smokers, but like you said, you are still alive and kicking. So you made a few mistakes with the cigs, keep throwing em down... eventually you will win, dang it, girl. I know you will. I know its hard, I did it myself and I smoked off and on for over 20 years. Hang in there, I'm behind ya all the way. Hugs, Viv
velcroviv
I'm close to driving to town and getting some cigs myself and I am not really stressed out about much of anything BUT....I have a whole heap of excuses ready to throw out there! sheesh, sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhnjeowkldsfjm,cxrejkdflm,cx I am going so crazy, like whackety whack attack. Sorry.
mschif
Michael the Archangel is the patron saint against temptations. Try that one. And I will pray for you as well. Stay strong, you can win the battle!!!!!
PSUgirl