Journal

It's been a long time. Sorry guys. Thanks to everyone who has written & sent hugs, etc. I'm at work so I'm going to make it quick..

Chantix was working, BUT it either interfered with my bipolar meds, or else it's just not a good idea for someone who has bipolar period.. I have been getting very little sleep if at all, for the last 2 weeks. I stopped taking it a week and a half ago, and STILL am having problems. Last night I didn't sleep a wink. This has resulted in a short relapse into a manic state for me (with some psychosis- GRRRRREAT.) I have an appointment with my doc this afternoon. Needless to say, guess what I started doing again? :::sigh:::

Also, I missed 2 days of work last week because of all this. Having lost all that sleep, I konked out straight for 2 days. I talked to my 2 bosses first thing this morning to let them know what's going on, (I've been at this company for 8 years, they are aware of my bipolar, I haven't had a problem with it for 5-6 years), and the "black hat" boss gave me a problem about it. Saying it was "unreliable" of me. That if I'm going to be "unreliable" by missing work, then I should find someone else to do my job. I reminded him that I only took 1 week of vacation last year, while I was entitled to three. That didn't go over well. He was just a total DICK about it and I'm really pissed off. It's a total stigma thing. I hate this. I hate him. I'm looking for a new job as of today because I've had enough of his stupid ass discrimination - both about the bipolar, AND his favoritism toward men (ok, can we say, CHAUVINISM??). He's a total NARCISSISTIC ass.

I wish I... Shit. I don't even know what to wish for. It's that bad.

My Story So Far..

For anyone who's interested, or new here...

Beginning of November 2006, I tried to quit cold turkey: I had made a decision that it was going to be the cigarettes or me - purely as an issue of self-discipline. I "succeeded" for a few of weeks; I was holding up during the day at work, but eves and weekends I'd be an emotional wreck, suicidal. Not actually wanting to kill myself, but living without smoking was so awful that I honestly didn't want to. Also, I have ADHD and bipolar/schizoaffective disorder - I have read that nicotine is even more troublesome to quit for them because it's self-medicating.

I started to backslide because my exhusband smokes, and I'd occasionally have one or two of his. This turned into one or two per day. I'd buy a pack, have one or two, then run it under the sink and throw it out. The decision to go on Chantix came one day when I was driving home from work and the emotional pain was so excruciating that all I could think to do to relieve it was to imagine cutting myself when I got home. This scared me terribly - it was over 10 years ago that I used to self harm, and I never did it again since then.

That was it. Sent up alarm bells for me. I made an appointment with my psych and went in the next day to try Chantix. He seemed to be pretty positive about and explained how it worked. He said it worked in 2 ways:

1) It eases the effects of the withdrawal from nicotine by increasing the dopamine levels

2) It prevents you from experiencing any of the usual reward effect if you DO have a cigarette.

I found this very hard to believe but I was willing to try anything. I've been on it 2 weeks now. When I started I was having about 4-5 cigarettes a day (it says to pick a quit date about 7 days in). Early this week it was about 2, then one, yesterday 0. I didn't even have to really try - in fact, I was TRYING to smoke (can you believe this?) because it was pissing me off that it wasn't pleasurable anymore!!! That's right! It tastes like burnt paper, and I absolutely get ZERO nicotine high from it. NONE. It really works! Thank God.

I don't want to smoke at all anymore, except that I miss going outside, and I also miss having something available to soothe me when I get suddenly emotionally upset. But it's amazing, the difference! I highly recommend it.

OK, so I lied, LOL! No, I didn't lie. I just didn't last as long as I thought. I didn't smoke all day Monday, but then I ran out and got cigs that night. And what i've been doing is not smoking all day, and then having a few after work in the evenings (I know, I know).

So I went and filled that Rx for Chantix that my doc gave me. This is my 3rd day. I gotta tell you, the stuff is pretty awesome. And I'm not even on the full dose yet. Only on 25% of the dose until next week. Wow.