Journal

I thought id better write this before i foget it i got a memory like a goldfish at times.

Last night when i was getting ready to go to bed, my dimmer light in my bedrrom went from bright to lighter and lighter then to darkness. Its really weird cause you have to turn the switch to turn it off and NO ONE was touching it. It was freaky. I got a cold shiver when the light went out. 

Then i wake up this morning and my Michael Jackson poster was on the floor in the computer room. I think about him allot and saw his movie the night before this happened. I dont know if he is trying to tell me something like "Its ok im still with you watching over you to make sure im ok" or not. I feel like he is sometimes. I really think he knows who his heartfelt fans were. 

Incase anyone is wondering i dont take drugs of any kind, drink or attend church.

I was walking to work the other day early morning and thinking allot. I was wondering what and why i've been so drawn to MJ and what my thoughts are about him and his place in the world.

I read something someone said "he was more than an entertainer and the world doesnt realize yet to what proportion what they had lost"

I know i was feeling so uplifted and felt a strange feeling while i walked and thought about what i think was lost that day he died as i got watery eyed. I wish i could get back into the frame of mind i was in. I first walked over a bridge and looked up at the sky and sometimes i look for a sign to see if i can be reassured that he is up there looking down on all the people he made feel so much for him like he was a part of us. I got this overwhelming feeling like i knew now what it was.

What did he give to me?

He gave me inspiration to be someone better as a person. When i listened to the lyrics of his music it made me feel good, something i rarely felt at times growing up. He was positive about things and made me think of what kind of person i wanted to be. I wanted to be like him. He was so different than allot of men i knew. My father was mean and his voice would scare me to death. Michaels voice was high pitched, he was nothing to be afraid of. He was quiet, shy, caring everything i wanted. I remember dancing to his song entitled "Lady in My Life" on the Thriller album with my boyfriend who was dark skinned and had similar looks to Mj.Its a cherished memory it was innocent and brings me back to that dance everytime i hear the song. His music motivated me in the morning to go to school and face the taunts of the other kids that would tease me about my name. He was sometimes the only thing that kept me going. When i would hear the things people would say about him i would like him even more because  i felt like he needed that and i did to. His music changed my opinion on things. Im thankful he was here to help me through so many bad things in my life. Thats the thing about someone so inspiring you can turn on a cd and listen to them, feel their soul in their music, touch your heart, change your mind about life and make it through the day. He was more than a musician to me he was a saviour, he was there in my life when i felt no one was. He was a part of my life and became a part of me, or i became a part of him. When he died part of me went with him cause i loved him so much. He was a man i didnt have to fear. He gave me hope.

I cry everyday for him, and for his children. Its not obsession its genuine caring for him and appreciating what he did for me. I will always love him

Last week was a really horrible week for me. My dog was sick for 3 days i was scared to death and after going to the vet now he seems allot better. It was contageous to humans the vet told us. The next day we were told this my daughter was sick. Vomitting and crying with stomache pain. She was sick for about 3 days. On Saturday night we decided to have a chicken Kabab for dinner after i spent all day doing garden and cleaning. After Xfactor i started feeling sick. I was up all night vomiting. I havent ate a meal since and this is Wednesday. I have been feeling crap.

The worst thing i think that happened last week was the death of a 15 year old girl who my daughter went to Junior school with who lived on our street. She was being bullied and commited suicide by jumping from the motor bridge. 

This makes me sick. It really got to me because my daughter is 15 and another girl threatened to throw her off the motorbridge. My daughter goes through hell here sometimes and talks to me about how she is treated by other teens at school. I am so angry that people would treat others like this and hurt them so bad they'd want to hurt themselves. I feel really horrible for the family and the girl that did this and how she must of been feeling that night. It scares me.Its not the first teenager who has done something to themselves here recently. I wish someone would do something !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel sick that people are killing themselves. 

It could of been my kid. I wouldnt be able to cope. I feel so bad for people who have to live with this and am outraged at the ones who hurt people- its sooooooooooo wrong