smokeygirl's Journal

Okay - so I get out of my exercise class tonight and all the way through class and into my car all I could think about was the casino, the slots, the excitement (eventual disaster, of course) but excitement going there, knowing this was a big urge early on in the game - Day 8... ugh.

Also, my husband left on a trip today and the idea of the freedom I had in my possession was driving me a bit crazy... thought wise. My husband had called earlier saying he had arrived (believe it or not Bermuda) for an existing job that they are having problems with.  When we had spoken earlier in the day, he was saying outside his window there were three roosters, which he thought a little strange, so as we were chatting and laughing as he was telling me about these roosters.  So - with the bad thoughts in my mind , I get in my car to leave class and there's a text/picture message from him with a note and picture of one of the roosters, which was very cute. ... I just melted and said - hey, what am I even thinking about - how can I continue to be dishonest; I have a wonderful man and I know he loves me and he's always thinking of me;  why would I dream of being deceitful with this crazy addiction, though I have been....   I'm very ashamed of my behavior and myself with the times I've run to the casino and been dishonest, afraid to confess what I had been doing.  Guilt swept over me and it certainly solved the urge I had - I went right home and am now enjoying my evening - it worked out fine, but it was a little scary... 

ON TO DAY 9 - one little step at a time.