calyn1's Journal

I can feel it rot

all of the food i shoved into my mouth today.

Now it's all rotting in my stomach

leeching into every fat cell and making them bigger

i will be massive by tomorrow

and i will want to die, like usual

but i can't do it

because i'm not thin yet.

i am so afraid that i don't think i can even get on the scale tomorrow
i stuffed my face all day long

and tomorrow night i will have to go out to dinner

I am a horrible, disgusting thing

and if you tell me otherwise...

well don't bother

you are wrong

i am right.

i am always right about this.

i am always fat

i am always ugly

i am always stupid

i am always perverted

i am always worthless

and this, i know, will never change

so don't even try

to compliment or smile at me

like you think i have a right to breathe

because i don't.

and you are lying

and lying is bad

you shouldn't lie

i do it,

but that is because i am already bad

you shouldn't because you are good

you are thin

you are beautiful

you are smart

you are more than worthwhile

you are a woman with an ambition to live

and i am not.

i am not a women, i am still a girl.

and i have no love of life like you

because of what i am

because of who i am--if i even count as a human

all that reflects back in the mirror

is ugliness

pure ugliness

and it makes me sick

and i know it makes you sick too.

no, don't deny it.

i make your skin crawl.

how could someone be so fat and ugly?

how is it even possible.

but it is.

because, unfortunately, i am right here

i am an emotional child

with the body and (sometimes) the intellect of an adult.

my face isn't my own

my body doesn't belong to me

i'm not sure if this mind is even mine

and i know i don't belong in this world.

everything is wrong

everything is so wrong

how can this be?

what did i do?

who did i hurt?

why do i deserve this?

and why the hell won't anyone answer me?!

i need to know

i want to know

and if you tell me,

if you tell me that,

and if there is a heaven to go to

then i can leave.

and god, that's all i want to do.

how could someone with my fatness and ugliness not want to?

so please, please, just help me now

say there is somewhere i can go to be happy

to be calm

where i am not fat

where i am not ugly

where i am not stupid or perverted

or utterly worthless

tell me that this is all a dream and soon i will wake up

because soon it will break

and everything will shatter

and be lost...