ChristinaCat85's Journal

so here we go.

I'll be 24 in 4 days...

usually, i'm super excited about my birthday but this year i'm just...indifferent. i guess. thats probably not the right word. I'm a good speller but not good at using the right words apparently.

I'm very grateful that i've even made it this far. To be honest, I've always had this fear, and it started at a very young age, that I was going to die young.

At 15, when i was in the middle of that car accident, I was sure that was it for me. I remember the thought actually going through my mind as the car was flipping 'you were right. this is it. youre going to die'. but I'm still here.. and it honestly blows me away.

Each year comes and I get older and I think 'how did i actually make it'

Especially these past 2 years as I developed my fibromyalgia symptoms, I would lay in bed in the beginning of all of that and think, 'Can I live like this? Do  I have the strength to push myself through the days that seem to be filled with endless pain? I'd rather just go.' 

I think those were the darkest times I've had in a while...but thats another ramble all together.

  but anyway, I know that 24 is young...everyone keeps saying that. 

But i can't help but think about how time is leaving me behind..

I've accomplished absolutely nothing

Am I married? No

Do i have babies? No

Do I have a degree? No

Do I have my own house? No

Do I have a boyfriend? No

Have almost all of my friends accomplished all of the above? Yes.

People say 'oh but you have fibro and anxiety problems. its those issues. its not you' 

But i can't help but feel like a useless slacker who's losing everything so fast i cant even see it leaving.

I want to know what's so bad about me? Why can't I just have someone who stays and who loves and understands me? Am I ever going to get that?...i know that sounds so stupid and emo or whatever but i just can't help it.

I can't even stand going to walmart because I see friends and theyre like 'oh who are you married to? do you have kids?' and i have to say 'no..' and i have NOTHING to tell them about that i've done with my life.

The only thing I have going for me right now is the tax office that we're opening. That is it. If it works, it could really fix a lot..it could seriously save me.

No one knows how bad off i am...I have so many deep dark secrets. I swear I could write a book and shock the hell out of everyone.

Right now i'm sitting here with a box of old pictures...pictures scattered all over my bed. 

So many memories..so many years that flew by so fast. 

And I'm alone...

I remember when i used to have tons of people around...

and now i barely have anyone. 

this horrible crap going on with my body and my head has made me isolate myself. I cant believe i have the people  that i have.

I just cant go back..I can't fix my past and I cant figure out my future.

but i guess thats the same for everyone..

24...wow.