ChristinaCat85's Journal

I'm not sure if writing this will be pointless or not but oh well. Maybe some of you check in from time to time.

No, i'm not doing so well. I'll say that first.

I don't know what my deal is lately. If I could pick my own brain apart and figure it out, I would. But nooo. Can't do that. 

Insomnia is killing me slowly but surely. I'm having nightmares and panic attacks in my sleep whenever i do get to sleep. And then sometimes i crash hard and sleep for like 14 hours without waking up once. 

Not so good for the mental and physical issues. I feel like my brain is being twisted around and squeezed. My emotions are totally jacked. I will cry at the drop of a hat or get pissed. It's one of the two. 

I've lost touch with all of my friends basically. I'm not sure if any of them even consider me a friend. I 'm terrified to leave my house half the time. It's hard to type this because I haven't actually gotten it out...well, i have to one person.  thank you, i love you so much. you truly are amazing.but yeah. I hate for people to worry over me. Worrying is my job lol

During the week, my mom and i switch up on who spends the night at my brother and sister in law's house. The baby seems to like to stay up at night and with my brother working 45+ hours a week, having his wife getting up from the bed repeatedly to get the baby isnt too good for him. When i'm over there keeping him is when i feel okay. I dont feel like i'm losing it.

It's when i'm here or when i'm alone in a room that it all comes falling down around me.

I'm almost 24 and I've done nothing with my life. My mental and physical problems have put my hopes and dreams into shitter and flushed them. 

How do i go back to college when i'm too scared to walk out of my house?

How do i get a job when i'm too scared to do anything...

my anxiety is that bad.

They put me on meds for it but they dont work and i'm about to run out and i wont be able to get more. 

We're so broke, I can't go to the doctor to get any medicine and i desperately need it. I feel like i'm seriously on the verge of losing it...like really.

So what do i do? I have no idea. I just hope i am strong enough to push my way past all this shit and see some sort of light at the end of this damn tunnel. 

At this point, i'd rather just lay down and let it drive me over the edge. I'm to the point of not giving a shit..and i know that sounds emo and stupid but its the truth.

blah. anyway, i just needed to ramble or whatever.

if you made it to the end of this. you're awesome