PaulDS's Journal

I've had some time to reflect over the past few days and I want to put this down to help me clarify my thoughts.

I realize that I have been fighting, resisting, and wearing myself out trying to stem the losses that I have "perceived" over the past few months.

I say perceived because there's always the other side to loss and that is the creation of space for new things.

Many of you know that in April of this year, I discovered that my partner of many years was in love with someone else. I did the mature thing and confronted him about it and asked him to leave. It was as simple as that, on it's surface, and the feelings of failure, fear, and disappointment all came afterward when I was all alone with our place, our pets, and my thoughts.

Thinking has often been a problem for me. I always laughed at the first description I ever heard of the "alcoholic" mind and that was the idea that an alcoholic (like me) is possessed of a mind that is sure it can kill me off and keep on going.

Problem is that my thinking can be so self-destructive that I sabotage things. Knowing that, I take full responsibility for my part in the end of my marriage and for the work that any relationship with me can entail. My friends, the one's who get close to me, know that I can be prickly but unless they're fellow alcoholics or know one of our kind, they rarely understand the mechanism that drives them crazy and us to recovery.

It's all about fear of losing things, or, conversely, of not getting what I want. Add the public humiliation of a failed marriage and you have the perfect storm for me to go down hard.

Three weeks ago, my best friend, the person who has endured me the longest in LA, got a job offer in a different city. We had been joking about leaving LA for a long time, dreaming and plotting for that commune, spa, or B&B somewhere far from LA.

Let me explain that this is a tough place and takes some skills to survive (and/or a LOT of money). We're both fairly sane adults living in a city of powerful children (I'll explain more about that concept in another entry) and we are no longer willing to sign onto the insanity that launches careers and sends the castoffs to reality-television recovery programs.

LA can wear on a person and our love-hate relationship with this town was something we shared.

So, my other anchor to LA is gone, leaving me with a lease, a job, and a new beau (more on him later too) as the only things keeping me here.

Once again, I'm at the jumping off point.

I've discovered, after some quiet time to consider things, that I have stepped out of the stream that has given me such a great life and settled for the easier, softer way.

Some of you will recognize that last phrase as a spiritual death sentence for someone like me. If I don't move forward, I move backward, there is no resting on this path. That doesn't mean I can't enjoy each moment for what it's worth but I need to remember that they're moments and transitory, nothing is meant to stay the same.

I tend to grab them, to cement them in place with some special memento or meaning that they don't really have, and to build a "safe" place for myself to hide out. One look around my house and you'll see what I mean.

So here I am again, diving back into the stream of life. I've chosen "faith over fear" and am willing to go wherever this path takes me. Life has been very kind to me and I haven't always shown my gratitude. Many of you have reached out to me and thank you for that.

I'll write more here when time allows and would love to hear your experience, strength, and hope as well. We all came here for the same reasons and sharing about our respective journeys is maybe the most important thing we can do for each other.

Paul