beckyhalffull's Journal

Ive naturally always been afraid of the geno visits and as a result had my PCP take over that department of my health. This was all just my old natural fear that probably more people have than not.

Then I was gang raped.

I was okay when my doctor did my rape test 3 months after when I finally fessed up about it. but my fear started growing and growing and growing. It became overwhelming.

Then I was hospitalized (twice) when I had my gall bladder removed.

I was already in an extremely dependent, vaulnerable, and exposed state and the pre-op nurse told me to take off my underwear I cracked. I burst into tears and she kinda figured out the obvious. She informed the surgeon that I was going to go into the OR with my underwear on. She asked me if she could do anything to help me and I told her the only thing at this point is to speed everything up and get the anesthesiologist. As I was going out the nurse told me that the surgeon would likely take off my underwear while in the OR. They did, and gave me a catheder then dressed me up after so that i would not feel exposed. just the idea of being so vulnerable and dependent and unconscious was enough to traumatise me. Then finding out that they stripped me and shoved a tube up my urethra while i was unconscious and completely defenseless and unaware totally tipped me over.

im crying so hard right now I can barely make out the keyboard. writing about it puts me into a panic attack. talking about it puts me in a panic attack and is extremely hard AND embarrasing. Talking to my doctor about it is almost out of the question. I know that im gonna break down in the doctors office while they make you wait there for half an hour staring at the wall in one of those johnnys. i even cried last time i went to the doctor.

So it started out as a natural, arguably normal fear but a fear nontheless. then it escalated after I was raped. and the recent hospitalizations really put the frosting on the cake. Can I be sexually traumatised in any other manner possible? even without the pap and all just going to the doctors and the association throws my anxiety through the roof! cant wait to be retraumatised next monday.