Journal

Thiago tried to kill himself

I was hit by a car

Thiago's pregnant gf took off to texas while he was in the hospital

My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me even though he wants to be with me and loves me

Thiago got off suicide watch and was told his gf killed herself

we found out this was a lie

such a lie can be argued as attempted murder bc he had just gotten off of suicide watch

alex and I spent the night hanging out as friends

I've got more work to do for school than i can comprehend

My PTSD is really getting to me underneath all of this

Ive naturally always been afraid of the geno visits and as a result had my PCP take over that department of my health. This was all just my old natural fear that probably more people have than not.

Then I was gang raped.

I was okay when my doctor did my rape test 3 months after when I finally fessed up about it. but my fear started growing and growing and growing. It became overwhelming.

Then I was hospitalized (twice) when I had my gall bladder removed.

I was already in an extremely dependent, vaulnerable, and exposed state and the pre-op nurse told me to take off my underwear I cracked. I burst into tears and she kinda figured out the obvious. She informed the surgeon that I was going to go into the OR with my underwear on. She asked me if she could do anything to help me and I told her the only thing at this point is to speed everything up and get the anesthesiologist. As I was going out the nurse told me that the surgeon would likely take off my underwear while in the OR. They did, and gave me a catheder then dressed me up after so that i would not feel exposed. just the idea of being so vulnerable and dependent and unconscious was enough to traumatise me. Then finding out that they stripped me and shoved a tube up my urethra while i was unconscious and completely defenseless and unaware totally tipped me over.

im crying so hard right now I can barely make out the keyboard. writing about it puts me into a panic attack. talking about it puts me in a panic attack and is extremely hard AND embarrasing. Talking to my doctor about it is almost out of the question. I know that im gonna break down in the doctors office while they make you wait there for half an hour staring at the wall in one of those johnnys. i even cried last time i went to the doctor.

So it started out as a natural, arguably normal fear but a fear nontheless. then it escalated after I was raped. and the recent hospitalizations really put the frosting on the cake. Can I be sexually traumatised in any other manner possible? even without the pap and all just going to the doctors and the association throws my anxiety through the roof! cant wait to be retraumatised next monday.

Summer is almost over! okay yeah that is nothing you dont know. somthing you dont know though

-Alex and I are back together and doing extremely well.

as for the myspace guy who swept me off my feet? 

things never went sour or downhill or anything. our "relationship" was very short lived because Alex came back.

Alex realised that he lost me and it had never occured to him that could happen. He also discovered how he really felt about me.

He told me things I never thought id hear from his mouth. he did things I never thought id see him do. and a part of him I didnt know existed came to surface. neither of us knew he was capable of love. we both found out he is and that we both love each other unconditionally.

Ill never forget when I was lying in the ER just having come back from a test and he appeared outside my door. When he found out he dropped everything and got in his car and came. He stood outside my door for a second and looked at me. He had a face of panic and sudden releif that he found me then panic again mixed with a protectiveness i cannot describe. He was out of breath from running.

When I was in the hospital just a week before he sat holding my hand while i drifted in and out. He told me how beautiful I was dispite the fact that I was all cut up and bloated from the painful gas they pumped into me.

It was about that time that he started to realise his true feelings towards me. But he kept that hidden, he grew to wanting me by his side every minute without telling me. When he lost me to the other guy he was destroyed. he let me slip through his fingers unexpectedly and was planning on asking me out agian when he found out about the other guy.

Needless to say we finally let love be.