Journal

Hi yall,

  wow .... where to start?

 last night, all of a sudden, i started tingling all over, coulndt talk right, shooting pains/shocks running through me.... couldnt walk right...

   we called my daughter, she rushed right over and took all my vitals, which were fine, bp and pulse were a bit high, but nothing huge, my eyes were clear, coulnt open them thogh, they were so heavy!!!   while she was here, i did seem to get some better, but later on felt the same way. i did get a good nights sleep last night tho... that helped i think. 

   So today i just feel weak, i got up early to work on my website, got some things made and ready to go, but now im getting tired again.

  im calling the neurologist today, im overdue for a checkup, and really am scared about the "spell" last night... as my mommy would have called it...lol

   The buisiness is growing so fast and furious.... which is fantastic!!! steve still isnt back to work, so hes helping with the house, cooking and so on... so i can work on my jewelry. i hope you will all go talk a lookyloo again, so much new stuff ive done!!!! so please go look, i love your comments and suggestions.

    we have deciced to move into the 2nd floor of the apt building where bun (the daughter) lives. her hubbies auntie lives on teh first floor, and bun and paris on the 3rd floor. I cant believe we are moving again.... but believe it or not...there were TWO drive-by shootings across the street this week. I heard them... then cops as far as the eye could see. im terrified a bullet will stray and come in our house, or steve will get hit when hes walking outside. we also just cant afford the rent here with steve out of work. the tennent hasnt paid a dime for a month, he just got back to work and swears he will catch up with his first paycheck, but ill believe it when i see it.

   i know you are all yelling at me....kick him out, but believe me, its easier said than done. it will be easier to move ourselves, then he HAS to go. .. and of course their is that chance he will actually pay us, we cant move till a couple of weeks at least, so im just biding my time with him.

   Steve is thinking of going into a rehab for a while. long story, but he is very ill, and needs help. we cant afford the tests and doc appointments, but if he goes into a mental hospital, he is severly depressed and he does have OCD ... or an alcohol program, (he isnt drinking like he used to, but thats only a beer or two away when he is this depressed), and if he goes in to an inpatient program, he will get his medical needs met. I feel like a welfare rat.... but we see no other way, and he is really not doing well.... and i cant take care of him.

  i will stay with bun and paris and slowly settle into the new apartment downstairs while steve is in rehab. We are praying that God leads and guides us.... im scared out of my britches about it all, but I feel that is the door that God has opened.

It will be so hard to be without steve, and i wont have much of a chance to go see him.... that will kill me, but again... God is the head.

   My last auntie died last sunday. its so sad that these days we all live so far away from each other. there isnt a chance i can go, and my cousins all say they undersstand, but i loved auntie may so..... and i wish i could be there for them all. her son mark emailed me a story that ill journal later. God works so mightily.... He is so good.

    well, off to read journals and huggles. love you all.

wowza..... what a holiday!!!!!!!

 it was fantastic, we spent a few nights at my daughters house in the last couple of weeks. the 2 daughters, husbands and kids were all there, so it was exciting, but tiring for sure.  My son and family were supposed to come in too, but the weather ws bad in buffalo, whats new? lol, and they decided that it was too risky to try. but my ex came in, and we had a great time all together, he and steve get along great, and all old wounds have healed, or at least scarred over, so it was easy to be together.

 i got some really good orders, and am scrambling to get them all together and sent, im finding it a challenge, with us not driving and all, but steve isnt back to work, so hes been helping.

 amazing enough..... long ago, i tried selling kits of my jewelry for others to retail. it didnt work out, and i had given up on it, but it seems God opened the door to try it again, and i have a new "booty buddy"....lol... he lives in fla in a retirement home, and he is going to sell my jewelry! how fun is that? so i have been working out the details... now i have a new place on my site for other people to "build-a-booty !!!!.  it works out so great for me, cause i dont get out much to sell, and he is out all the time, so viola!  its been on my heart so much that maybe i could make a way for others to make money, too, and this seems to be it!  I made small starter packs, so anyone can afford it, there are so many "buy into " schemes out there, and i dont want to be like them, so i made it so you buy outright, then sell for whatever you want to. its a good deal too if someone just wants a bunch of stuff for themselves or gifts too, i dont care what they do with it once they buy it, so it isnt like a run of the mill crap shoot.

  now that things are back to normal, whatever that is, i will be here more. im sorry i havent kept up with journals, i peek in and out these few weeks, im longing to be back on a scheduale again.

   love you all and ill catch up on journals asap....

well, i havent been here for a while, just popping in and out. Ive been so darn busy, trying to make a Christmas, of some sort, but i guess that isnt to be for us , is it?

  One more day to go, we are planning on going to my daughters for Christmas eve and spending the night, etc, and here i am, dozens of cookies to make, not one present bought, the house looks like hiroshima, and i am down for the count.

  steve hasnt had any work since november, so hes been taking care of the house, but we have 2 boarders now, the little ones have been over from time to time, and i am just overwhelmed right now.

   i wish i could learn to take care of the simplest things, coming in here to give and get support, sitting and writing, but i cant get it through my head that i cant just push myself to go on.  I always feel better after reading journals and commenting, sending huggles and such, but i let it go to try to move mountains. i guess for us, moving a moutain is reduced to nudging a molehill, huh?

  im sure you are all in the same boat, im not telling you anything you dont know.

    the cfs is coming in waves over me. i think ... well, i have been doing alot, but i havent really, and yet its wayyyyyyy too much for me. dam it, dam it, dam it.

   I love the one tenent we have, reggie, hes a great guy and no trouble at all, but the new guy gives me the creeps. we needed the money so bad, we had to do it, but he freaks me out. hes real clingy and wants to be buddies with us,and i dont like that. we arent doing this for friendships. i dont want to know that "hes stepping out for a bit, " i really dont give a crap. he calls when hes out to ask if he should bring home "a piece of meat for dinner", um noooo, cook something for you if you want, but i dont wnat to have din-din together.  i offered him sme of our diner last night, cause it ws the right thing to do, we didnt eat together, i just told him he could have some if he wanted, and i guess that gave him the green light to plan for intimate dinners with us. yuk.

   i realize that i am a total bitch, but its tricky buisiness renting out rooms in your own home, and im just not comfy with him. IM praying he will want to leave, but he tells us today he loves it here. sheesh. be careful what you pray for, you just might get it......lol.

    so enough of my rant, i will try to get up the strength to roll the little balls for the teacakes.... lol, it feels like im rolling boulders in sand.... im weak as a kitten today.

    i hope you are all ok and doing better today. i love you all so.