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JimK 
1:29pm Thursday
Wednesday, November 18, 2009 - 12:14 PM
Almost everything in my life seems to be going from bad to worse. Although I have tried figuring out exactly what it is that is causing most of my problems, I am unable to pinpoint any one specific thing. I have managed to reach one conclusion though; I feel as though I am causing some of my own problems.
During the last several months, I have noticed that my depression has gone from bad to worse. I do not want to do anything, go anywhere, or be around many people. All I really want to do is sleep, and I cannot even seem to do much of that. Simply put, I have lost almost all my interests, and do not want to do much of anything.
When I first began feeling this way, I decided on my own that my antidepressants were not working as well as they used to, so I took it upon myself to stop using them almost entirely. I now know that it was a mistake to do that, especially without talking it over with my therapists or my psychiatrist first. I finally came to this realization yesterday.
My boycott of antidepressants began at least five or six months ago. I know it was that long ago because I had amassed five bottles of medications during that period (I get one bottle of medicine, for each prescription, each month). After looking at the bottles for a while, I finally concluded that it would be best to throw them out. That might have been okay if I had not gone to the pharmacy and gotten refills each month even though I did not need them.
Two or three weeks ago, I went to the mental health pharmacy and got refills on four of my medications. Since I had enough medication at home to last for a while, I did not open or look at any of the pills I had gotten from the pharmacy until earlier this week. When I did open the package, I quickly saw that there were two different kinds of Depakote there. One was kind of an orange color, and the other was white. I automatically knew that something was not quite right. Both of the medicines were entirely different from the Depakote I usually take.
I was unable to see my mental health therapist on Monday due to some more snow that we received during the weekend. In spite of that, I was able to talk with him by phone. While we were talking, I told him about the different kinds of Depakote that I had received and asked if he could do something about it. He said that he would talk with some of the nurses and have one of them get back to me. He carried through on that promise, and someone called me yesterday afternoon.
I tried explaining to the nurse about the problem with the Depakote. I told her that I now had three different types of it, and that I only wanted the first one, which I had been accustomed to taking.
Our conversation took some unexpected twists and turns, and I soon found myself admitting to the nurse that I had all but stopped taking the Depakote, along with the Wellbutrin, altogether. She wanted to know why I would keep getting refills of medicines that I no longer used. The real reason was that I was afraid of being yelled at by my psychiatrist for not taking them. I tried explaining some of my reasoning to her (not about that fear), but by then the damage had been done.
She noted that I was not scheduled to see my psychiatrist until January 26, and said that she thought I should see him sooner than that. She would like me to see him as soon as possible. Well, what she wants, and what I want, are two entirely different things. As of today, I am not inclined to let her get her way.
I am seeing Dr. Martin this afternoon, and intend to discuss my situation with her. Maybe she will have some suggestions about what I should do, or will at least be able to help me start thinking properly again. I am not exactly sure what is wrong with me, but a lot of things seem to be out of whack.
The nurse I spoke with yesterday was extremely nice with me. However, at various times in our conversation, I had this feeling that I was being scolded much as a parent might scold a child. I was upset then, and still feel that way now. For whatever reasons, I am also hurt, angry, and afraid. (I have a feeling that some of this may go back to the way I was treated when I was a child.)
A few other things are going on in my life, but I think it will be best if I put off telling about those until another day.
Comments
Sunday, November 8, 2009 - 9:55 AM
I have not been on DS lately due to a number of physical and psychological problems. Almost every time one problem seems to become solved, another one pops up. I would like to find a way to stop this cycle, but my therapists have told me that this may be going on for quite some time.
Dr. Martin, my psychologist, and I have both decided that it is time for me to work on my sexual abuse issues. She is aware that I have managed to sidestep this issue a lot during the time she has been working with me. I told her that I have begun having a lot of flashbacks and vivid memories of my abuse and abusers, and that all of this is beginning to drive me crazy. Although my suicidal tendencies are not as strong as they once were, they are cropping up now and then, which is not a good sign for me.
I have begun remembering that my abusers told me I was no good, never would be any good, and they were the only ones who would want to be around me. Dr. Martin, and Dale (my mental health therapist), have told me that abusers often tell their victims this. They also seem to feel that I have been brainwashed into believing it, as well as other negative things about myself.
Although I am beginning to believe Dale and Dr. Martin now more than I used to, I also know that I am not going to be able to change my thinking overnight. Something in my mind almost forces me to believe what I was told by my abusers.
Largely because of the deviant sexual acts, which I was involved in, I not only hate my abusers, but myself as well. I have gotten to the point where I have tried to punish myself in various ways, such as not taking my pain medication, or finding some way to hurt myself physically. Both of my therapists say this is a common reaction. It is something that we need to talk about in more detail.
I have begun having an increased amount of pain in my back, and this has now spread into my shoulders, neck, knees, and lower legs. My primary care physician has told me that I can increase the amount of pain medication I normally take in order to deal with this. He is also trying to get me back into some additional physical therapy, which we are both hopeful will help my overall situation.
The mental health clinic where I go now has a new director. I was told that within the past two weeks he has reviewed my case and expressed a concern to Dale about the fact that I am taking a narcotic for pain. He wanted to know how Dale wanted to proceed with this. Dale said he knew my doctor, who the new director also knows, and said that he felt they ought to go along with whatever he prescribed.
Dale told me that all of them agreed that they had no problem with my taking the medication primarily because they did not want me to have to suffer in pain. He also said that if I felt the pain coming on, I should take the medication right away, rather than waiting until the pain actually hits. He said that it would be easier to control it this way. I am not entirely happy with this idea, but I am willing to give it a try. Having gotten over an addiction to one drug (crack cocaine), I do not want to become addicted to another (Percocet). My primary care physician said that I would probably need to use this on a long-term basis. I am not too happy about that, but neither am I happy about having an almost unbearable amount of pain indefinitely.
If I am not on DS as often as I used to be, it is not because I have no time for my friends here. My therapists have said that I may need to cut back for a while in order to deal with more pressing issues such as the sexual abuse. I value the friendships I have made here, and thoroughly intend to continue with them, but for the time being, I may not be here as often as I would like. I hope that everyone will understand my situation and bear with me.
Comments
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Of course we will understand.
Having said that, we can also help with the sexual abuse issues. If you feel suicidal or need to de-program some of that brainwashing then DS is a wonderful place to do it.
I felt a great deal of physical pain that coincided with the emotional pain I was tapping into. I think yours is also complicated by your situation. I think you should take the drugs if they help.
Someone kindly pointed out to me that I should stop calling those who abused me 'my' abusers. They are abusers, period. I'm willing to bet that you were only one of the people abused by them. I know that you don't feel like you possess them by any means but it did help my brain shift a little bit towards feeling less guilt and shame by association.
You believe what you were told because you are human. I think we can all relate to the lack of self worth and lack of self esteem that abusers manage to instill inside of us. I am going to hope for you to see how valuable you are one day. I am proud to call you my friend.
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Well, if you were going to make a chocolate cake, you would need some specific ingredients. Some of the ingredients would have to be the same in all recipes...like flour or chocolate and shortening.
Now, there can be many variations or additions to the ingredients to this chocolate cake.
Still, no matter what....the end results would be said cake.
Everything you mentioned has been experienced by most or all of us that were sexually abused.
Everything you are feeling has been felt by most, if not all of us.
I am telling you this so it will be clear that if someone sexually abuses you.........the end results are the same.....
You are not the exception to the rule.
You are not a bad person even if you participated at some level....it is all part of the violation that was perpetrated on you. You were violated in many ways.
This does effect your behavior. All that you have mentioned happens when you mix the ingredients of sexual abuse, violation of boundaries and negative brainwashing.... they almost always include negative brainwashing of some sort.
That brainwashing or conditioning is used to control us by stripping away our self esteem...hence we are more easily led into what you may feel is deviant behavior.
It also happens because it makes the abuser feel superior.
Plus he/she also gets to use another form of abuse on us which heightens the experience for him/her.
Suicidal thoughts are very common when dealing with sexual abuse recovery issues. I know many who have felt this way. I surely have and still do at times.
What you are going through is very hard.
It is confusing and pretty messy.
It will get worse before it gets better.
But, it will get better.
It will take a lot of repetition before you are able to open up your mind to what Dale and Dr. Martin are telling you.
First you understand it on an intellectual level.
Then, after chipping away at the effects of the negative brainwashing in a very diligent manner, you will be able to move the intellectual understanding to your heart of hearts. You will be able to integrate the truth into your
personal self.
Try and be as gentle as possible with yourself.
Think of the abuser driving a wagon, being pulled by many horses, which is going much, much too fast.
You are in the back of the wagon being jostled and bounced all over the place as you ride along.
The wagon is being driven much too fast for the safety of it's occupants.
Then, lo and behold...somehow the abuser gives you the reigns and convinces you to keep the wagon/abuse going in a very dangerous fashion.
The abuser jumps off the run away wagon and leaves the scene.
That is how abuse works, too.
They do it to us, then they find a way that makes us perpetuate the abuse by continuing to punish ourselves.
Hold on, Jim.
It sounds like you are a good situation with many great caregiviers.
This is a gift to you.
Your primary care giver seems to have your history in mind, but still has chosen to give you the painkillers that you need to give you a better quality of life.
Trust in the people that are helping your in this recovery process.
They will guide you through it.
It was good of you to come on DS and tell your friends what is happening to you.
Take all the time that you need.
We are forever friends.
We will be here when you need us.
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Hi Jim, I hope things will work out for you. Take your time and take it one day at a time. All of your friends here will be thinking of you and wishing you well. We know you will be back on the site to keep us posted when you can. Many hugs-Stephanie
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***THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE FOR GOODGOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!***
Hugs and Mojo
Weebs
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PS: "I have begun having an increased amount of pain in my back, and this has now spread into my shoulders, neck, knees, and lower legs."
I would be willing to bet, and I think Sam could back me up, that this new pain you're having is the proof of your past burbling up.
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And, all I ever heard from my dad as a child, teen and adult, is that I did or thought 'dumb things'.
Do I strike you as that kind of person?
He had a bigot streak in him, and didn't know how to deal with people that didn't look or think or do things the same way he did.
And there are STILL times when I hear his voice in my head and want to cry like a 5 year old.
But, I just don't believe it anymore. The initial reaction can still send me into a mini-tailspin though.
Hugs and More Mojo
Weebs
Thursday, October 29, 2009 - 10:45 AM
I have lived in Colorado for 12 years. This is probably the second or third worst snowstorm we have had during that period. The snow was supposed to have stopped falling last night, but a change in the weather pattern has prolonged it until later this afternoon or tonight.
We have approximately two feet of snow on the ground. They are calling for another three to six inches before it comes to a halt. That will be sometime late tonight. In addition to that, we have to contend with strong gusty winds ranging from 19 to 40 mph.
As I look out my patio windows, just about the only thing I can really see is mounds and mounds of pure white snow. The sidewalks around my apartment have been plowed several times, but the newer heavily falling snow seems to quickly cover them back up in hardly any time at all.
My CNA's came to put me to bed last night shortly after five o'clock. One of them came before the other, and she was kind enough to fix some dinner for me. She had also bought some bottled water with a lid that I could open easily and then close. I needed something like that, which I could keep in bed with me so that I could take my medications at the appropriate times. That was a lifesaver.
To my surprise, both of my CNA's arrived at my apartment at the normal time this morning despite the inclement weather outside. I was told that as far as they knew, I would be going back onto my regular bedtime schedule tonight. I have no complaints about that.
I seem to have developed a skin breakdown because of having to stay in bed for nearly 16 hours. It is being treated with something called duoderm, which works similar to having a second layer of skin. Now that I am up in my wheelchair, I can tilt the chair back now and then, which will take the pressure off my skin whenever I do so. I am hopeful that this will not only prevent the skin from actually opening, but will also decrease the pain being caused by the sore.
I just received a phone call from the head of my home healthcare agency. She said that because of the weather, she wanted my CNA's to come here early to put me to bed for a few days. They are supposed to come here at six o'clock each evening for an unspecified length of time. I told her that I knew they needed to make some changes during this type of weather, and that I was trying to cooperate with them. She was kind enough to say she knew how I felt, and that she really appreciated my cooperation, which I always give them.
While I'm not entirely happy about this, I know that it is necessary because at nighttime, the roads and highways become covered with ice and snow.
Comments
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Wow......... Funny but not status, funny but not journal title.....
Sorry, but I was laughing at those. The absurdity of it all, convening on you at once.
It's not funny, but your writing sure is. Talent with the word and timing, you have it.
Sending Snow Stop Mojo.....
Weebs
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I love snow. I can feel your scowl over the miles.
I have been watching the weather reports over the past few days.
You have been present in my thoughts.
It does sound like this is a surreal kind of Denver snow situation.
While it causes me problems, too...shoveling...falling....I have been very aware of how restrictive and dangerous this storm could be for you.
I can see how you look at it as an unnecessary freezing of water.
That in itself was an interesting perception.
I am sorry this is causing your problems.
Hopefully this major snow storm and its effects will soon abate.
May all of Denver have a very mild winter.
Hugs to you.
Your descriptions of your interactions with your health care individuals was not surprising at all.
You are a gentle gentleman.
Even what you determine to be angry outbursts from time to time, your personal dignity always shines through.
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wow, I have never seen that much snow first hand.
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So I take it you would move to a much warmer climate? I don't blame you if that is what you want.
When it snows here and I'm at home I like to reflect on how glad I am to have shelter. Have you ever been stuck out in the cold? Ugh. It's painful. I may feel differently if I've been sent to bed at 5:00 though. I'm still a little shocked over that.
I agree 100% with Weebs. Your writing is wonderful. You have a gift.
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Hi Jim I hope the snow h as stopped by now and that you're back to bed at your normal time. Those skin sores don't sound fun. Take it easy. Many hugs-Stephanie
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I apologize to everyone for not responding to the comments sooner than this, but if you read today's entry, you will know that I have had a lot on my plate lately. It seems like an awful lot, but it is nothing that spending a year or two in Hawaii would not cure
Most of the snow that we had has almost disappeared into nothingness. The sidewalks are cleared once again, and I can manage to find my way to the parking lot whenever I need to go somewhere.
I managed to get through this snowy period without blowing my stack at my home healthcare helpers. Although I was put to bed far earlier than I would've liked, they did manage to arrange things so that I could keep my medicines, and some snacks, in bed with me. Unfortunately, the additional hours in bed caused some unexpected skin breakdowns, one of which has now opened up. All of the sores have now been examined by my doctor, who is treating them.
For the last few days, we have had nice weather with temperatures in the 70s We are supposed to have some snow by the end of the week, and I sure hope that it is mainly flurries this time.
I really would like to move away from Colorado. I have made that a long-term goal. I will keep my fingers crossed.
Past Entries
Goal Updated
I would bet that if you go back to your journals this time LAST year, you'd find you did the same thing: quit your meds.
Jim, some folks, for whatever reason, get chemically imbalanced. If you need the drugs to maintain the balance, THEN TAKE THEM. (Firm caps, not yelling.)
No doubt you have horrors you relive many times during your interaction with people. So do I. BUT, I have tried to remember to 'keep stuff where it's at'. In other words, I have to remember triggered feelings may not be appropriate to the *current* situation.
The scoldings you got as a child have NOTHING to do with someone telling you they're concerned that you're not taking medicine you need as an adult.
Just because a feeling is familiar, doesn't mean it's accurate.
What is it about this time of year, or near it, that inspires you to stop taking your meds.....
Hugs and Mojo
Weebs
KweebsLS
I began cutting back on the meds about five months ago, but about 4-6 weeks ago, I stopped almost entirely without even thinking about it. I really don't know what caused this, other than a feeling that life wasn't worth living. As for the present time, I understand it much better. Dad died before Thanksgiving, and mom died 10 days before Christmas. That pretty much ruined the holidays for me.
JimK
Jim,
It's totally normal to stop taking your meds. It's normal, but perhaps not the wisest choice. I have been taking anti-depressants since my early twenties. I have gone off them twice (on my own, without telling my Dr.). I can't exactly say why I did it other than I believed they weren't working anymore. I fell deeper into the depression.
I hope you aren't afraid to tell Dr. Martin that you stopped taking them. Dr.'s are very used to patients doing this. It seems to almost be a side effect of taking them. I watched a psychiatrist who suffered mental illness speak about this. She too stopped taking her meds and was able to help her colleagues better understand why patients do this. I sometimes wonder if it's not a deep-seated desire to be 'healthy'.
I think you've got a huge plate of emotional pain on your lap right now. You have started to tackle the wounds left behind from the sexual abuse. That would easily cause anyone to get depressed. Not to mention the tragedies of your parents deaths.
You don't need scolding. That will not help you at all. Can you tell the nurse that? Something along the lines of "I scold myself often enough so please refrain from scolding me." I HATE being scolded by those in a helping position. It triggers a wealth of feelings inside of me. The main one is fear. Fear that I am being misunderstood and fear that I am going to lose any control I have.
Hopefully the anti-depressants will be more effective since you took a break from them. I will hope for that.
More hugs and mojo.
Samadian
Sam is cool, isn't she.
: )
Hugs and Mojo
Weebs
KweebsLS
Yes, Sam is very cool. And, Weebs, you aren't too bad yourself. I'm very fortunate to have both of you in my life.
I saw Dr. Martin yesterday. She took the news well, just as if she's heard the same thing countless times from others. She jokingly (I think) called me sneaky. Who? Me? Never!
The real thing I fear is going to the mental health clinic tomorrow. If Ass-A-Ride gets me there early enough (before my appointment with Dale), I'm going to try getting the Depakote exchanged at their pharmacy. They have been good about such things in the past. If I run into trouble, I can always get a prescription from my primary care physician.
As for trying to see my psychiatrist this month, or early in December, that isn't in my plans. I don't like him, and never have. Dr. Martin said if that was the case, I should get a different doctor. But, he's pretty old, and I feel sorry for him, so I'm not sure what to do.
I began taking ALL of my medicine yesterday. I know that most doctors say it will take 2-3 weeks for antidepressants to kick in, but because of my CP, and the affect it has on my central nervous system, I can usually tell a difference within a day or two. That's the case today, and, no, it's not just my imagination.
If anyone starts scolding me tomorrow, I'm outta there! I'm too old to be treated like that.
Yes, I am trying to deal with a lot of issues right now, not the least of which is the sexual abuse. That alone is almost driving me crazy. I keep visualizing everything that was done to me, and the way it still affects me. As much as I fear death, there are times when I think it might be my only way out of this mess. Having said that, I will also say that I don't give up easily on anything, so I'm not going to do anything drastic, especially during the holidays.
Thanks for the constant support both of you always give me. You will never know how much your positive support has meant to me. Whenever I am facing a crisis, you, and some others, always seem to pop up at just the right time. All of you are awesome and priceless!
JimK
You are awesome and priceless too. When I read the parts of your story it was during the stage you are in. It made me feel less alone. I will forever be grateful for you sharing so much and with such brevity.
Anti D's kick in for me almost immediately too. I have always felt better within a couple of days of taking them.
You don't like your psychiatrist? Join the VERY LARGE CLUB. I think it's the profession as a whole and the way it's set up. Do you need to see him for meds? I am trying to avoid seeing them if at all possible.
Giving up on life is something that I've often felt like doing. I now tell myself that it will come eventually. That is one thing all humans can count on. When I'm at my lowest point and feel it's not worth it anymore I remind myself that it will come one day. I really hope there is an afterlife of some sort so that we can meet one day. If not in this lifetime, perhaps the next.
Samadian
"Yes, I am trying to deal with a lot of issues right now, not the least of which is the sexual abuse. "
That's probably the problem, too many things at once. And it's reeeeeeeeal easy for an outsider to say 'just pick ONE and deal with it'.
It's what you need to do, but I know, that all the gunk doesn't present itself in any organized kind of way to make it easy for you to know what to do first.
You think you're making the best choice you can, but feel the other crap lurking there..... And if one of the ones you *didn't* choose just comes along and whaps you while you're working hard on the other, you think you made a wrong or stupid choice for the first thing to work on...
blah blah blah... yadda yadda yadda...
Yeah, I know the drill.
Maybe the question to your docs/etc is, how do you get organized? How do you pick one thing or aspect and break it down to something you can stomp on? (Or in your case roll over.) Do you break it into fear, anger, sadness, etc? By emotion? Chronologically? Symptom?]
Jeepers... I need a hot fudge sundae now!
: P
Hugs and Mojo
Weebs
KweebsLS
Oh PS - If you don't like your psychiatrist, his welfare is not your problem. I appreciate that you want to be kind and thoughtful, but YOU'RE the patient, not him.
Find a new one!
KweebsLS
Hi Jim Sorry it took me a couple of days to see this Journal. I hope things will start turning around for you soon. I know it isn't easy.We have all been through a lot or we wouldn't be on DS. I have had a level of depression since my dad died in 2001. I have really lost interest in many things and I am a shell of the person I once was before his death, Hang in there. many hugs-Stephanie
CoolGal