LaynieK's Journal

This letter is more difficult as the strained relationship continues off and on.

To the love of my life;

I don't even honestly know where to begin, we have been through so much together. Our lives, together and apart have been nothing short of a train wreck. I can't stand being at odds with you and I want it to stop. Today is the day it stops.

I know my mental health has caused our relationship to be destroyed and I have nothing but regrets with that. Everytime I feel hurt by you, I lash out by bringing up the past and that is wrong. I don't want to argue you with you anymore. I love you with all of my heart and this is destroying me.

I know our married life was rocky, due to my mental illness. There is nobody who regrets that more then I do. I wish I was able to see then what I see now, which is that my family is beyond deserving of me getting my mental health under control. I am sorry for all I put you and the children through. I am sorry I did not take the time to understand my illness and get a handle on it. I missed out on so much that I will never be able to get back.

The day our son passed away was the worst day of my life. Knowing his short life ended while I was driving has torn my world apart. I know the pain this accident has caused was the end of us. I am sorry that I am the one who delivered the final blow to our marriage. I see the pain in your eyes to this day and know the pain endured by your family and mine and I am still shredded inside knowing this.  I wish I could take it all away, all the pain, all the suffering, and there are no amounts of words that can express my sorrow and regret. I am sorry and that is not even a sufficient phrase.

Our divorce was such an ugly event and I wish I could forget as well. I never wanted it to come to two days in court, slamming one another. I wish I could take it all back and have the chance to work things out. I am sorry that things had to get to this point. I am sorry you were not given the credit for all you endured. I am sorry that I was not the wife I should have been.

What I don't regret is our children. I see you light up and see what a wonderful father you are to them. I know how this whole situation is tearing you apart but I appreciate you standing by my side throughout all of it. I hope that someday soon I can show you how appreciative I am for all you continue to do.

The continuing friction between us, is really weighing on me. I know the children are being affected by our arguing and I don't want them to hurt anymore. I take full responsibility for instigating or not walking away when I should. I know I have reacted out of shame or jealousy or a countless number of other emotions and I am sorry. I am working very hard to not react inappropriately to these emotions and I am still a work in progress. I can't take away any of what I have done or said to you but I can make you a promise that I will not repeat the past.

I want to move forward with you and work on our relationship. I know we have talked about it and you said you also wanted to be together again. Nothing would make me happier. I feel I am not complete without you. For you, and for our daughters, and for myself as well, I will do everything in my power to get myself healthy so I can be a participating member in a healthy relationship.

You have deserved so much better over the years and I wish I would have seen that then. I wish I would have been able to see your outreached hand as an offer for help rather then a threat. I am sorry that I put you and our family through so much. I never wanted to hurt anyone, other then myself but what I failed to realize is I was hurting everyone. I know that now and I will never allow that to happen again.

I know I have given multiple apologies and have not done anything to change the future. I hope you can accept my sincerest apologies and know this time is for real. I am doing so much through groups, therapy and medication and I know in my heart this time is for real. I understand if you can not trust that. I will show you through my actions and words that this is my time for change. I will no longer look back, only forward and will hold out out hope that my future will be much brighter and that you and our children, all together, will be a part of that picture. I love you with all of my heart. Please forgive me for all that I have done and said and at least give me the opportunity to prove to you that I am becoming the person you always desired.

All My Love,

Laynie