Journal

What a whirlwind of a few weeks it has been! Things however have taken a turn for the BETTER!

The last 4 weeks with my oldest daughter have gone beautifully! No major issues, YAY! Things with my younger two have gone flawless as well.

Ugh, where to begin. A few weeks ago I saw on my daughters yearbook page that she had self injured again. I called the foster family and told them for her safety and THEY WENT OFF! The foster monster called my daughter selfish, attention seeking, stupid and a fool and yes those are the ACTUAL words she used.

They placed my daughter in respite for a weekend because the foster family is falling apart. That weekend I got tons of time because the respite home was too busy and did not have time for her. Fine by me, I benefited! At least my daughter knows that she is wanted AT HOME!!!

Since then it has come out that the foster people are drinking every night. I dropped my daughter off one evening after a visit and they did not even remember me dropping her off. Then last night the foster guy was so out of it that he tore into my daughter because he did not recongnize my vehicle and wanted to know who brought her home. I drive the same car I have been driving for near two years now!

Well, CASA, the gaurdian ad-liedem of my oldest daughter is recommending transitioning HOME! We go to court on Tuesday and me, my attorney, my daughter, her attorney, CASA and the CASA supervisor are ALL recommending weekends, with return home to be slated in on the 24th.  I AM SOOOOOO EXCITED!

I know I am going to get the whats changed from the judge so here it is;

I go to family therapy once a week on Mondays, right now just my oldest daughter and I

I take my younger two to gymnastics every tuesday

I go to my DBT group every Wednesday evening

I go to DBT individual every Thursday afternoon

I see a nutritional therapist every other thursday morning

I take all three girls to gymnastics every thursday evening and have dinner with them

I go to anger management classes every Friday evening

I have my younger two daughters every morning before and after school except Monday

I have the younger two every weekend from Friday after class til Sunday when I work.

I still work swing/grave 44 hours a week (Sun, Mon, Tues. 19-0730 and Thursday 0100-0730)

I also completed 6 months of clean UA's and would glady keep doing them to prove I am doing nothing wrong. I have maintained a healthy weight for over 3 months now, since intitially dropping after all this removal business occured.

SOooo, I think it should go WELL!!

We go back to court TUESDAY! as CASA and the CASA supervisor contacted my attorney and asked her to push the issue into court as we need to start progressing HOME!!!

I am soooo excited I can hardly sleep, its almost over and I will NEVER allow these evil people to enter my life ever again.

Tomorrow, October 27th would be my sons 12th birthday. He has been gone a little over 8 years now. I miss him so much! Not a day goes by that I still don't think of him and miss holding him.

I am going to get through this day as best as I can, but I am sure it will be a day of sadness and grieving. I am going to stay focused on what I have to get done and making sure the girls get to talk about what they remember and build happy memories.

I am sad and not sure I even want to work tomorrow, thinking about calling in and taking me time, but feeling somehow that would be selfish.

I guess I will jsut have to see how tomorrow goes and play it by ear.

I just want to cry...it still hurts...i don't know if this ever gets easier.

This letter is more difficult as the strained relationship continues off and on.

To the love of my life;

I don't even honestly know where to begin, we have been through so much together. Our lives, together and apart have been nothing short of a train wreck. I can't stand being at odds with you and I want it to stop. Today is the day it stops.

I know my mental health has caused our relationship to be destroyed and I have nothing but regrets with that. Everytime I feel hurt by you, I lash out by bringing up the past and that is wrong. I don't want to argue you with you anymore. I love you with all of my heart and this is destroying me.

I know our married life was rocky, due to my mental illness. There is nobody who regrets that more then I do. I wish I was able to see then what I see now, which is that my family is beyond deserving of me getting my mental health under control. I am sorry for all I put you and the children through. I am sorry I did not take the time to understand my illness and get a handle on it. I missed out on so much that I will never be able to get back.

The day our son passed away was the worst day of my life. Knowing his short life ended while I was driving has torn my world apart. I know the pain this accident has caused was the end of us. I am sorry that I am the one who delivered the final blow to our marriage. I see the pain in your eyes to this day and know the pain endured by your family and mine and I am still shredded inside knowing this.  I wish I could take it all away, all the pain, all the suffering, and there are no amounts of words that can express my sorrow and regret. I am sorry and that is not even a sufficient phrase.

Our divorce was such an ugly event and I wish I could forget as well. I never wanted it to come to two days in court, slamming one another. I wish I could take it all back and have the chance to work things out. I am sorry that things had to get to this point. I am sorry you were not given the credit for all you endured. I am sorry that I was not the wife I should have been.

What I don't regret is our children. I see you light up and see what a wonderful father you are to them. I know how this whole situation is tearing you apart but I appreciate you standing by my side throughout all of it. I hope that someday soon I can show you how appreciative I am for all you continue to do.

The continuing friction between us, is really weighing on me. I know the children are being affected by our arguing and I don't want them to hurt anymore. I take full responsibility for instigating or not walking away when I should. I know I have reacted out of shame or jealousy or a countless number of other emotions and I am sorry. I am working very hard to not react inappropriately to these emotions and I am still a work in progress. I can't take away any of what I have done or said to you but I can make you a promise that I will not repeat the past.

I want to move forward with you and work on our relationship. I know we have talked about it and you said you also wanted to be together again. Nothing would make me happier. I feel I am not complete without you. For you, and for our daughters, and for myself as well, I will do everything in my power to get myself healthy so I can be a participating member in a healthy relationship.

You have deserved so much better over the years and I wish I would have seen that then. I wish I would have been able to see your outreached hand as an offer for help rather then a threat. I am sorry that I put you and our family through so much. I never wanted to hurt anyone, other then myself but what I failed to realize is I was hurting everyone. I know that now and I will never allow that to happen again.

I know I have given multiple apologies and have not done anything to change the future. I hope you can accept my sincerest apologies and know this time is for real. I am doing so much through groups, therapy and medication and I know in my heart this time is for real. I understand if you can not trust that. I will show you through my actions and words that this is my time for change. I will no longer look back, only forward and will hold out out hope that my future will be much brighter and that you and our children, all together, will be a part of that picture. I love you with all of my heart. Please forgive me for all that I have done and said and at least give me the opportunity to prove to you that I am becoming the person you always desired.

All My Love,

Laynie