Ginny1954's Journal

My goal for 2008 is too be able to master my fear of death and attack my anxiety.  I need some of you good friends to come along side of me and support me. I'm new to this site, only found it yesterday but I feel confident there are great people out there that can help me and I hopefully I can help someone as well, that's what support is all about.

I had a truamatic experience with death when I was a young child.  My only sister was 16 and died with brain tumor.  After she died I touch her body and no-one explain to me that she would be cold and hard like that.  Now I'm 53 yrs old and still up to this day I havent touch another deceased person, not even when my parents passed on.  I have scary dreams almost everynight about someone dying and me laying next to a cold body.  I wake up with a panic almost everynight and it ruins my whole day because I'm half the next day walking around in a daze trying to cope with the scary dream.  It's horrible.

I find winter months are the worst for me, lack of sunshine here in Canada and long, dreary days.  Very hard for me to get motivated.  I'm on an anti-depressent Effexor and anti- anxiety drug Xanex, which I am so dependent on now, I've been on this drug for maybe 20 yrs but I can't think about giving it up but Im sure its not doing much for me anymore because my body has built up an immuntity to it . 

I was also diagonized with blocked arteries/angina in Aug. of 2007 and that's also scarry because I don't know the difference from an anxiey from an angina attack.  I've went to emergency 4 times since Aug. sure I was having an heart attack.  Basically the same symptons, chest pain, pain radiating to the left arm and jaw, sweating profusley. 

I would like others to be my friend and send words of encouragment.  My husband really doesn't understand what I'm going through and why I avoid doing and going so many places with him.  All I want is to live a normal, happy-go-lucky life again.

Thanks for reading this and love and prayers to all.

Ginny