cjs702006's Journal

My Name is Carla; I am 38 yrs old, married with two children. I have been diagnosed with bipolar and major depression for about 8 years now. I see a tdoc and pdoc on a regular basis and am on Paxil, Lamictal and now recently Ativan. I keep having thoughts of death, either my own or someone elses and most recently, took an overdose of 50 10mg Valium, so 500 mgs were in my system. I have had bad health the last 3 years; two spinal fusions in 2008 and physical therapy, spinal injections...you name it, and nothing works to eleviate the pain. I can not work, I walk with a cane and have filled for disability, but they turned me down. My husband called our local police when he noticed I was not in the house and a bottle of my meds was missing. I went to my mothers grave;(she has passed 18 yrs ago), lay there talking to her waiting for sleep to come. I did call the Crisis centre we have here, only because I didn't want to die alone. Paramedics found me unresponsive and had to bag me en route to the hospital. I had to be conected to a resporator for almost 24 hours in ICU. AFter I was stable enough, I was commited to the "phsyc ward" for 8 days. My husband and nurses told me I was within 10 minutes of dying and I beleive them because I don't really remember anything except for what people told me what had happened.
The thoughts of death....escaping the pain physicaly and emotionaly and mentaly is on my mind almost constantly! I haven't been totaly honest witheither of my doctors so there lies a big part of the problem. I put on the smile and act like everything is fine and I'm coping well, but niether of them are true.

Most days I wonder how to save me from myself?