Journal

Since I was last here telling my story, I have gone to see my tdoc and I swear I cried the whole hour I was there! I guess thats a sign of acceptance and healing. I told him, that I feel the first start in my recovery from the near fatal overdose, is forgiving myself.

Hopefuly when I fogive myself, others will maybe start forgiving me also. This is going to be a journey with many ups and downs I'm sure. I don't know for sure how and even if I can beat the war inside my head with the demons, but I will try my best and hope to come out the other side as a better person.

~Blessings~

CARLA

My Name is Carla; I am 38 yrs old, married with two children. I have been diagnosed with bipolar and major depression for about 8 years now. I see a tdoc and pdoc on a regular basis and am on Paxil, Lamictal and now recently Ativan. I keep having thoughts of death, either my own or someone elses and most recently, took an overdose of 50 10mg Valium, so 500 mgs were in my system. I have had bad health the last 3 years; two spinal fusions in 2008 and physical therapy, spinal injections...you name it, and nothing works to eleviate the pain. I can not work, I walk with a cane and have filled for disability, but they turned me down. My husband called our local police when he noticed I was not in the house and a bottle of my meds was missing. I went to my mothers grave;(she has passed 18 yrs ago), lay there talking to her waiting for sleep to come. I did call the Crisis centre we have here, only because I didn't want to die alone. Paramedics found me unresponsive and had to bag me en route to the hospital. I had to be conected to a resporator for almost 24 hours in ICU. AFter I was stable enough, I was commited to the "phsyc ward" for 8 days. My husband and nurses told me I was within 10 minutes of dying and I beleive them because I don't really remember anything except for what people told me what had happened.
The thoughts of death....escaping the pain physicaly and emotionaly and mentaly is on my mind almost constantly! I haven't been totaly honest witheither of my doctors so there lies a big part of the problem. I put on the smile and act like everything is fine and I'm coping well, but niether of them are true.

Most days I wonder how to save me from myself?

12/10/2007 - 01/08/2008

I knew that I was pregnant even before I took the home tests. Shock gave way to excitement; "Could I REALLY be pregnant again after so long?" I scheduled an appointment at my doctors office to confirm the news and was told that there was no doubt......I WAS pregnant!

How short lived my excitement would be,I had no idea.........

The next day, I was feeling a bit "off"....cramping and slightly bleeding. After telling my husband, I went to the ER to make sure things were ok and to show myself that everything was going to be fine. After blood tests, physical exams and an ultra sound, the doctor told me I was possibly losing the baby...he HAD to be wrong! I just found out I was expecting! "Go to your family doctor in a few days to make sure" and that was that, I was on my way home.

A few days later, I did go to my doctor. He confirmed what the other doctor had told me, "this is basicaly an "innevital abortion". We would suspend my employment as a waitress until further notice, limit my activities and continue to monitor the baby's progress if any. This went on for a few weeks....still cramping and bleeding off and on, but follwing my orders to rest and take it easy. It wasn't that tough, all I wanted to do anyways is sleep.....I had no energy.

Monday; January 8th, 2008, I took a turn for the worse. The cramping was getting terible, I was feeling nausious and just unbearable. I took myself to the ER again, knowing in my heart that something was very wrong, but could be fixed. "Hospital admittance and total bedrest would be what they will tell me", I thought, but again, I would be wrong. Tests again were run; testing for HCG hormone in my blood, internal exams, ultra sounds.....the whole thing, but nothing was giving me the answers I wanted. After an hour, the ER doctor came to my room and closed the door and my world shook......"You are having a miscarriage, there is no fetal heartbeat",is all I remember and my heart shattered!

Another internal exam was done to confirm their news and a D & C was scheduled to be done right away. I would be put to sleep and would wake up with everything gone......they wre going to take my baby from the supposed safe home it just had antered into! Eleven weeks of new life was no longer and I will never be the same.