spring0808's Journal

Today is a better day. I do feel depressed sometimes and anxious. I don't like the path my life has taken and it seems that all bad things do compound upon me. Is this my destiny? Have you ever wondered what if? Do you ever think that if I had of done this, or that maybe my life would be different? Do you ever look around and  see that others are doing wrong things and nothing ever happens to them, it seems as though they have more, or do more and live life and dont worry about the consequences ? Then you ask why me? I dont want anything bad to happen to anyone, I just have tried to live a life, a christian life, bringing my children up respectfully and then God calls one home and its your only daughter and you do the christian thing you dont question him you just accept things, but deep inside the pain is so great it feels as though your chest will burst open and the pain will never end. Then he calms the storm , and you feel you may live and try to gather and peice your life back together. As you go along you realize you have to go on and be strong be there for the rest of your family...And I say what about me then the big  C.   strikes not two years after your daughters death. I gathered my faith and never letting anyone see me wseat I went through it the first time and not realizing that my son and husband knew me so well that they knew I was carrying a heavy load and they were there for me. The second time you wonder what happened. I was good,I did what they told me to, Now its in my ovaries, oh my God, . I was sent to a wonderful oncologist surgeon and I just love him. He said he got everything. But my oncologist said that it'll come back it always  do. I didn't want to or need to hear that from her.... I have had a pet scan it showed a small do microscopic in my liver and now the want a cat scan. I heard on tv that too many scans can be as dangerous as the big C. I thought a pet scan showed you everything better than a cat scan, so why the cat scan... I will not let this beat me. I am determined to continue to fight as hard as I can .....Pray for me. I hope all is well or at least better with everyone...Astupid entry huh