AngeGirl2007's Journal

I have been a bit of a stranger here these days...for many reasons....work is finally starting to get to where I have some hours each week....I've discovered facebook and have since been reconnected with family and friends that I otherwise don't get to see. Been trying to keep up with my writing course...I'm working on a project right now...I wish I could say that life is better, that it's gotten easier but sadly, it hasn't.

I was heartbroken today because of all things my period started. Why should I be so upset? Well, because I thought that finally, I was being given a second chance. My body felt so different, not like usual pre-menstual symptoms. My breasts were full, sore, even leaking. I was sick to my stomach from the time I got up in the morning until I went to bed at night. My lower abdomen, right into the uterine area, was tender to the touch, I felt a pulling sensation in my pelvic region. My work pants became a wee bit snug. What I was hoping was a teeny one turned out to be I'm just fat.

I was even dreaming...vivid dreams....in all of them Angel was picking flowers with another little girl..golden blonde hair, tight curls, deep brown eyes, and a smile that would make anyone's heart sing. They were picking flowers and laughing. Finally after they had made a huge bouquet Angel handed them to the other little girl and said, "Now you have to take these to Momma." Now here I am...another month...another cycle...another heartbreak...another failure.

The reality is, this isn't what I need right now. I know that. My family and I, for one, need a different house, a bigger house. Nothing fancy, no show piece...just something comfortable that will meet our needs. We also need, once we find such a place, to be able to keep and maintain it and on what I make alone, I can't do it. It's been a struggle to keep what I have going. And I don't want to do it alone. Not again. I've done it...I can do it...and if I have to do it again...I will...but I don't want to.  No, I don't need another baby right now...but I am so heartbroken right now...words cannot say enough. I feel like it's all been a joke. A cold, cruel, joke.

The best way to describe my life right now is the lyrics to a song by Third Day. It's called "Revelation". So I am going to include them here and end this entry that way: