Journal

Angel would have been a year old tomorrow. How fast the time has gone. Sunday night I went over to the home of a dear friend from high school. She is the one who did my tattoo of the cross with the autism ribbon. She gave me another tattoo; the angel baby sleeping in the hands of God. Most of you know this--I posted the picture here.

The funny thing about this is before Jennifer did my tattoo I was dreading what should have been Angel's first birthday. All of the feelings--the sadness, the anger, the overall depression and despair just seemed to hang over me. Jennifer told me she had put off doing the tattoo because she wanted to make sure it was something I really wanted and that it wasn't just the grief talking. And I thanked her. Maybe if I'd have had it done sooner I might have come to regret it, I don't really know. What I do know is that now that it's there, on my right shoulder blade, I  feel a strange, overwhelming sense of peace.

I'm not quite sure how to explain it. And it probably makes no sense because it's just an image of what is now my baby in ink and wash etched forever beneath my skin. Yet I feel like Angel is telling me that it's okay for me to continue on, to move forward. I feel as though she is giving me her blessing to live my life because she is with me now in a way that can never be taken from me. For whatever the reasons may have been, I was unable to carry her as I did her sister and brothers. But now I carry her always. Actually, it is more that she is carrying me. Now I really do have an angel on my shoulder...MY Angel!

I have been a bit of a stranger here these days...for many reasons....work is finally starting to get to where I have some hours each week....I've discovered facebook and have since been reconnected with family and friends that I otherwise don't get to see. Been trying to keep up with my writing course...I'm working on a project right now...I wish I could say that life is better, that it's gotten easier but sadly, it hasn't.

I was heartbroken today because of all things my period started. Why should I be so upset? Well, because I thought that finally, I was being given a second chance. My body felt so different, not like usual pre-menstual symptoms. My breasts were full, sore, even leaking. I was sick to my stomach from the time I got up in the morning until I went to bed at night. My lower abdomen, right into the uterine area, was tender to the touch, I felt a pulling sensation in my pelvic region. My work pants became a wee bit snug. What I was hoping was a teeny one turned out to be I'm just fat.

I was even dreaming...vivid dreams....in all of them Angel was picking flowers with another little girl..golden blonde hair, tight curls, deep brown eyes, and a smile that would make anyone's heart sing. They were picking flowers and laughing. Finally after they had made a huge bouquet Angel handed them to the other little girl and said, "Now you have to take these to Momma." Now here I am...another month...another cycle...another heartbreak...another failure.

The reality is, this isn't what I need right now. I know that. My family and I, for one, need a different house, a bigger house. Nothing fancy, no show piece...just something comfortable that will meet our needs. We also need, once we find such a place, to be able to keep and maintain it and on what I make alone, I can't do it. It's been a struggle to keep what I have going. And I don't want to do it alone. Not again. I've done it...I can do it...and if I have to do it again...I will...but I don't want to.  No, I don't need another baby right now...but I am so heartbroken right now...words cannot say enough. I feel like it's all been a joke. A cold, cruel, joke.

The best way to describe my life right now is the lyrics to a song by Third Day. It's called "Revelation". So I am going to include them here and end this entry that way:

Well, hello!

My name is Jordan.

I'm glad to see you!

Please sit down.

I see you've met my brother Matthew.

You've learned about his autism.

I have something else to teach you.

I have something called Asperger's.

Asperger's is an autism-related condition.

Mom calls it “autism's cousin.”

People with Asperger's are smart and creative

but have problems relating to people

and understanding what is appropriate behavior

and what isn't.

Sometimes Mom will be talking to Grandma

or Aunt Tam or Aunt Susan

and I will interrupt and start talking about something

that is important to me.

That's because people with Asperger's don't understand

two-way conversation.

One night at bedtime when I was younger

Mom was reading us the story of the first Easter.

When she read of Jesus paying for our sins

I asked, “How could Jesus pay for our sins? He didn't have any money.”

People with Asperger's don't understand figurative language.

People with Asperger's do better in some areas of school than

in others.

I enjoy Language Arts, Theater and Band, and science.

I do all right in math but I have to work harder than the other kids.

Sometimes it is hard for me to be with people

for very long because of my Asperger's.

When I have had a stressful day, I spend time at my computer

or I play my Nintendo DS.

These things help me to relax and feel good.

People with Asperger's have different areas of interest

that are their areas of excellence.

One thing I have learned to do with my computer is

to make my own movies.

I also enjoy reading and I've discovered that I like to write stories.

My teachers tell me they enjoy the things I've written and they

encourage me to keep writing.

When I was younger my interests were trains and dinosaurs.

I used to build train layouts that would stretch from one end of the house to the other.

Now I am helping my younger brother Kenny to build train layouts.

And dinosaurs? I can tell you the names of every dinosaur that ever lived along with the time period they lived in.

Sometimes it is lonely having Asperger's.

I don't hang out with anyone after school.

I don't go to anyone's house and they don't come to mine.

It isn't that I don't WANT to make friends.

It's that I don't know HOW to make friends.

Having Asperger's isn't easy.

Some of my behaviors are misunderstood

and, like my brother Matthew, I'm seen as being

mean or strange.

I am neither.

I have had some good experiences since I've gotten older.

I've participated in band.

My dance class designed a special dance just for me.

And I have performed in several different plays that got lots of cheers from the audience.

My classmates have even cheered and said “Way to go, Jordan!”

There are days when I wish I didn't have Asperger's.

Sometimes I wish I could be a normal teenager.

Mom tells me all the time that Asperger's chose me,

I didn't choose Asperger's.

Sometimes I wish I knew why.

Mom also tells me of the people in history with Asperger's and autism,

people like Albert Einstein, Emily Dickinson, Thomas Jefferson.

Even Bill Gates, the man who created Microsoft for the computers we use.

Mom tells me that I have Asperger's and that Asperger's doesn't have me.

Mom believes in me and what I can achieve. She wants me to believe in myself.

I hope you can come over again.

I'll show you how to create your own movie

and maybe even how to make a train layout that goes from one end of the house to the other.

Maybe we can share some pink lemonade and I will quiz you on your knowledge of dinosaurs.

Sounds like a plan to me!