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wendy08527 
8:12am, October 13, 2009
I have lead most of my life trying to please people. It has turned me into a person I just don't like anymore.
I have realized over the years through therapy, through advice of friends and by reading books and trying to analyze everything that it's just not worth it. Yet for some reason I find myself unable to stop trying to make everyone else happy and focus on myself.
But I have reached the last straw. The details aren't important. It's the realization that is. Most people just suck the life out of me. Because I let them. So I have slowly cut myself off from the people who have hurt me and don't recipricate. I am finding myself very alone.
Last night I realized I just cannot continue a friendship with who I thought was my best friend. And what did I do in the last few minutes we were together? I asked her repeatedly what I did, and why was she mad at me. I did nothing. I AM THE ONE WHO IS MAD NOW. I am not going to grovel, or apologize for something I didn't do. I am doner than done. But I am sad. I don't do alone very well.
So it's time to figure out how to really re-invent the happy Wendy, stop being the world's doormat and truly find happiness. I am not sure where to look anymore. I feel pretty jaded -- it's like I just don't even want to give anyone a chance anymore.
Maybe if I stop trying so hard, things will just happen. Trying hard certainly didn't work. I'm going to listen to The Secret today and "re-set" my mind frame. It is a beautiful day. I hope I can find it in me to enjoy it rather than obsess over the events of late.
Easier said than done.
Comments
Sorry I didn't see this before now Wendy...my life has been nuts lately. I relate to this on a few levels, one being 'done' and the other reason being jaded and wondering why bother.
I'm guilty of this myself, where you naturally want to help others and shaft yourself along the way...I find helping others gets us to avoid dealing with our own stuff, I know it has for me. I've spent lots of time doing my best to help other people and have found the moment you put some focus on yourself and fixing your own life, people get pissed and turn on you.
Lately you've really been stepping up and doing a lot of life altering things for yourself, perhaps your friend is threatened by that to a degree, perhaps she doesn't want you to change....all things possible and all not your problem.
My only suggestion for you right now would be the advice I am giving myself and what I personally am planning on doing for me...and that is to not worry about the details for the future and focus on the now.
I'm taking one day at a time and doing my best and focusing on what I can change, putting my energies into situations that benefit me personally. Always it seems it's work for me and the benefits that come with that. I'd not be worried about pleasing others or needing to NOT be alone for now...being ok with yourself and alone is the biggest lesson and personal growth you can achieve right now...you can't be ok with someone else if you're not ok with who you are solo.
To have the best of people around you, friends, all relationships...and being able to choose better requires being the best you you can be. I know for me personally I'm very ok on my own and actually thrive in that circumstance...it's when I invite others into my life that things go south...and that's because of my choosing...the people I let in. I'd suggest until you figure out who you are, until you're ok with you and not questioning yourself or requiring other people approving your decisions...stay alone, feng shui your life and remove from it the things that don't work.
It's ok to let people go out of your life, sometimes we outgrow them and often when you make decisions to care for yourself it tends to piss a lot of people off...for some they see it as rejection when it's not, it's purely you fixing your life instead of trying to fix others...that's the only area you can control and reap the benefits...on you. Hang tough, you're on the right track.
xox
MAC22
Thanks Muriel. I agree with all points. I also had been thinking that now that I am starting to stand up for myself more, and change the way I have been, it has made people feel threatened and they have not reacted well. This one friend is not the only one. So it's time to clean house, feng shui, and emerge stronger and happier! Thanks for taking the time to comment and I hope your transition goes well. Enjoy that kip, and I'll talk to you soon.
wendy08527