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heather83 
Well, it looks as though I'm back. I didn't think that I'd be back when I decided to leave 3 months ago but here I am.
It's funny because so much has happened in the past three months, literally starting from 2 days after I posted my last entry. I've gone through a lot in the past few months, health wise, and am still going through it and I guess between my health and my mental wellness I needed to come back to a place where I knew I could be me, could get some advice and could just vent when I needed to. I'm not sure how much of what I post I'm going to keep public but I'm going to try and make most of my entries public as I think that's what needs to be done. I need to re-learn how to open up and this is a way for me to do it.
I guess I should fill everyone in on what's been going on in Heatherland.
Three months ago I woke up fine, went to work and came home extremely uncomfortable and bloated to the point that a skirt that's normally too big for me, was skin tight. I didn't think much of it as there are times in a woman's life where she becomes bloated. :) The bloating lasted for a week and once it went away my lower back began to ache terribly. Again, didn't think much of it as I always have lower back pain (found out through one of the tests I've done that I have a spinal deformity) and it went away over the weekend. After that weekend I started to have terrible, awful pain in my upper right abdomen, right where your gall bladder would be, I was becoming ill and when I would lay on my stomach it felt as though a ball was under my ribs. After a week of the unbearable pain and sickness I decided it was time to see the doctor. Being as the pain was located where my gall bladder is and I was getting sick we thought it was my gall bladder. Well, after 4 hours in the ER and having an Ultra Sound, CT, Urine analysis and full blood work done it was determined that nothing was wrong with my gall bladder or any other organ on that side of my body. So, I go away with my boyfriend for the week, still feeling ill and in pain, come home and my clothes don't fit anymore. Over the course of 1.5 - 2 weeks I had lost about 10 pounds, yet there was nothing wrong with me according to the tests and doctors. All of this started to take a toll on me mentally and I started to lose it. I literally cried every day, all day and night, for a good month and I still cry at least 3 times a week now. I convinced myself that I had every type of digestive cancer possible and that I was dying. After multiple visits to my PC I was finally given the ok to see a specialist. Since seeing the specialist I've gone through more tests and blood work and still haven't a clue as to why I'm in pain. I've stopped being sick and losing weight but the pain is still there. After this last test (endoscopy) the GI determined that I had Gastritis and put me on an Rx for 6 months to clear it up. Does that give me the answer or solution to my problem? Not really being as the pain still comes and goes and the feeling of a ball in my abdomen is still there despite nothing being seen on the CT. Through all of this both doctors have told me that I'm very healthy and my PC has diagnosed me as clinically depressed with a severe case of anxiety. After 3 months of hell everyone just thinks I'm insane and that the magic solution to my problems is pills. For those that know me on here you know how I feel about antidepressants and anxiety meds for myself. Well, you can throw that right out the door because my PC put me on Trazodone and Klonopin. I stopped the Trazodone after about a week or so of taking it because it made me insane. Flushed those crazy pills right down the toilet. I have been taking my Klonopin nightly though because it does help with my anxiety (as much as I hate taking them) and helps me sleep. I will say that the Trazodone did wonders for my sleeping issues though as it knocked me out. Since being stricken with whatever it is that I have I haven't slept (except for the nights I was on the Traz). I've spoken to my doctor about this and asked about a sleep aid but she won't give me anything stating that they make you "dependent". I find this hilarious being as she prescribed me Klonopin which is quite addictive and is a huge problem here in my town. Whatever. I've tried many OTC sleep aids and even that herbal sleepy tea and nothing works. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Besides all my crazy health issues I've also been dealing with some relationship issues that I'm really trying to work on. I'm not sure how it's going to turn out but we're trying and time will tell I suppose. Next Monday will be our one year anniversary, a time where you should be giddy and happy, yet we're at the roughest point we've ever been. I want it to work because I love him but at the same time I want to be happy and right now I'm absolutely not happy and I don't think he is either. Maybe this is what we need to bring us closer and what we need to make us stronger. Whatever the case I have to wait to see what the future holds.
So, I guess that's been my past three months in a nutshell. I've been officially declared crazy, I have a mystery illness and my relationship is falling apart. If I could just fix even one of the three I'd be so much happier but we have to take life as it comes, right?
Day by day, step by step.
