Journal

Thursday I had a day of reflection. A day where I sat down and journaled for my own personal self about the circumstances of my relationship. After writing the journal entry I felt partly ok and I had all these intentions of writing a journal here explaining how I came about these realizations and was thinking in a positive light. As you can see, I didn't. Why? Well after a phone conversation with my mom in which Mike was brought up and the holidays and how I'm really not looking forward to them (I had all these great plans that don't mean a thing anymore) she told me that she knew that I wasn't looking forward to the holidays and that because I'm not, no one else is because my sadness is a domino effect on everyone in the family. Basically she told me that I've ruined the holidays for everyone. As if I didn't have anything else to feel badly about, now I have this. I've ruined the holidays for my entire family. I didn't want to ruin them, I can't help it if I'm sad and upset. I mean, come on, I just lost the love of my life because he doesn't love me. I'm sorry that I make everyone nervous, sad and hesitant about the holidays. That's not what I had planned or wanted at all. It's as if I can't do anything right. I can't love or care right. I can't be a girlfriend right. I can't be a daughter or sister right. I just suck at living. That's just what it comes down to. I suck at life and I hate my life. There, I said it. I hate my life and I'm miserable. Any takers on how I've ruined their existance as well? Speak up because it's the thing to do.

Last night I got to thinking about how much love and care I showed Mike. How much I did for him. How much I listened to him. I did all of that and it wasn't enough. I didn't love him enough. Didn't care for him enough. Didn't listen or guide him enough. I wasn't enough. I gave him everything I had in me. My heart, my soul, my being and it wasn't enough. If I was enough, we'd still be together and that's a fact. I don't know what else I could have done for him to keep his love. I'm just not enough. I'm never enough and maybe I'll never be enough for anyone. Maybe I'm one of those people that are just meant to be alone and sad for eternity. I mean, if I did this much for him, gave him everything I had (and would have given more if I could) what else is there to so? Nothing besides the fact that what I have to give and do give isn't enough. I'm not a good enough person and make a shitty girlfriend apparently. How else is there to see it? If one gives there everything to someone and it's still not enough than they pretty much suck at doing what they are doing and should just stop or be stopped. I was stopped and I don't know if I'll ever start again because I haven't anything else to give.

I just want to scream and I can't. I just want to be with him and I can't. I just can't...

So we're back to horrible today. I tried my hardest to have the same sense of being and attitude as I did yesterday but I couldn't. I woke up this morning with every intention of me being strong and making it through withoug crying, but it didn't work out that way. I had to head to the mall today to get my mom a birthday present and it was just too much. I haven't been up that way in about 2 weeks and driving there just made me miss Mike so much more. Driving past his exit and knowing that I'll never be taking that again to see him made me hurt. It also made all the memories of the day he left me come pouring back. I wish that I had reacted differently that day. If I had just stopped to think, instead of breaking down, maybe I could have saved us. Maybe I could have convinced him to try and work this out. I never think things through at the appropriate times though. I always act with my heart and never my mind and that's how I get so hurt, become so depressed.

Being at the mall was miserable. I couldn't concentrate on anything besides that fact that I missed Mike an incredible amount and was worrying that I would bump into his parents. I'm sure that they were both working but had the "what ifs" running through my mind of whether they took the day off to Christmas shop or something. I kept thinking of what I would say to them if I saw them. How I would react. I'm pretty sure I would have smiled sadly at them and said hello and apologized to them. For what though? For having my heart broken by their son? For wasting their time? For wasting Mike's time and money? For not being what Mike needed and wanted? For not loving him enough? Caring for him enough? I don't know the reasons behind the apology but I know that it would happen.

I wish I wasn't such a mental case and a mess. I wish I could just go on with my life like he has. I wish this never happened. Wishes, wishes, wishes... They never come true. They are never granted. At least for me they aren't.

Time heals they say. Things get easier I'm told. When one door closes another door opens is what I'm supposed to believe. Do I feel as though any of these are true? Has being told these things made me feel any better? Not particularly. Not entirely. Sometimes, not at all.

Last night I came to the conclusion that I was used. I was used for my compassion, care, love and touch because it was easily accessible and I was too stupid to trust my gut instinct. Since I was too stupid to realize this, I'm now hurting. I was strung along, allowed to believe that I was loved and that things were ok, when I wasn't and they weren't. Even after realizing all this I still miss and love him proving that I really am that stupid. 

After last night's realization I decided today that I'm going to call Mike after Thanksgiving and ask to get together to just talk. I want to know what happened between us. I want answers. I want the truth. I think that I deserve the truth. I need the truth in order to better myself for any future relationships I have (if any are in line for me). If he had even an ounce of care for me, he wouldn't deny me of my requests. If he truly wants to be my friend he'll do this for me. To be honest, it's my way or no way. If he can't give me even that much than he can't, won't and doesn't deserve my friendship. This is what I've decided. I made a connection with this man, spent over a year with him and I think that if anything, we should be able to be cordial to one another, be able to hold a conversation with one another and be able to see one another without hurting. I want him in my life and even though I can't have him in my life the way I'd like for him to be, I honestly can't see myself living along without him being a part of my life. This doesn't mean that we have to hang out, get together or see one another all the time but rather, it means that we would be able to rely on one another when we needed someone. We would be able to call and say hello when we wanted to.

With all that said, today has been a better day. I laughed for the first time in almost 2 weeks. I felt guilty for laughing and smiling, which was odd, but I still laughed and smiled. The laughter and smiling didn't last too long but it felt good (good yet guilty, odd combo) to do it. Even though I felt better today than any other day I guess the pain and sadness was still on my face because people kept asking me why I looked sad and upset. I tried to hide it but I guess when you're truly hurting, truly depressed, you can't hide it as well as you think you can. I've been hiding the depression I have lived with for over 10 years quite well, but this I can't. Heart ache and break is too hard to hide, even when I think I'm hiding it. 

I don't know what's in store for me tomorrow or the following days but I do know that today was a day of clarity for me. Even if the pain and sadness was visible on my face, I still felt better than I have and this is something I'm proud of myself for. My goal for tonight is to not cry myself to sleep. My goal for tomorrow is to breathe and get through it as best I can.