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DianneE 
5:03pm, May 29, 2009
Just realized it has been almost a month since my last journal. Even though I haven't been journalling, I still pop on here almost every day to check up on how people are doing and comment.....
My Mom has had some serious health issues going on. She just got out of the hospital for chest pain she has been having for weeks....and they finally found out she had 2 blocked coronary arteries, and was severely anemic. She had stents put in, and is taking iron, but has not recovered to her former strength. I am so worried about her! We got a lady to come over and do housework and spend time with her, but I think she needs more than that!
I guess I am still paying for wasting so much of my precious income on gambling. If I had not become a compulsive gambler, I would have all my bills paid, and money in the bank. I would have been able to afford to make more trips to see my Mom, and would be able to contribute more to her finances. I would have been able to catch a flight to see her, and be there personally to help her out any way she needs.
I wish I could just pick up and go visit her now....but then I couldn't make payroll. I am praying she gets better so I can delay the trip to see her until I can save the money to do it!
After making my big catch-up IRS payment, and then payroll....I am pretty much broke! I am still saving for the catch-up State tax payment....and apartment rent and office rent are due within the week. I will scrape by, and then I'll be just a little bit better off! After this, I am pretty-much out of trouble with the IRS....after 2 years of struggle!
Step by step.....little bit of progress day by day, week by week....
Even though I have so far to go....I still have come a long, long way! If I had not stopped gambling, I would have lost my business, filed bankruptcy, and who knows what hell I would be living through right now!
If I had not stopped gambling....almost 22 months ago.....I can't even think of where I would be now. I have my regrets, struggles, and guilt to deal with NOW. How much worse would things be by now if I had not stopped!
Thanks to everyone for your support....please send thoughts and prayers out for my Mom. I love her so very much. I am saving money to take off a week and go see her. I hope I can be there when she needs me most!!!! I can't even face the idea of her dying. I don't know how I can ever handle it. When her time comes, I want to be there holding her hand. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself if I am not there for her. I'm just praying she will come through this, and live on in good health some more years. She is 84, and I want to be there to protect and help her. Until this happened, she was doing very well....did all her own housework, etc. This is so hard for me to face.
Well, enough rambling for me.....thank you dear friends....for being out there and listening!
Much love to you all.....
Comments
Dianne, I am glad to hear your mom is home and has someone coming in to do housework and spend some time with her.
Having loved ones in need of care and not knowing the future can bring lots of shakey thoughts to our minds.
When I was reading your post, I thought of a woman at work who has followed a tradition her mother started with her... she sends a package of some kind or a card with a letter with pictures to her daughter every other month or so... like a tea cup with tea, a recent photo of herself, with a note saying she was thinking of her, loved her, and wished she could be with her for some tea. Just things along that line.
It is a way to let our loved ones know we really love and cherish them.
God bless and I will remember you and your mom. {{hugs}} debs
JordansMomDebby
Your mother is in my prayers along with you. I know what you mean about facing losing your mother... I don't know what I will do when my mother passes! She has been the rock of our family! I'm sorry you are struggling with money that too I'm no stranger to. Like you said, you are so much farther along now than what you were. When ever I get overwhelmed about money, I think, if I could make it through paying off hundreds of dollars worth of bad checks and get out of a foreclosure on my house I can make it through this too. Just think of how well you’ve done in the past 22 months. I’m honor to be here to listen to your troubles! It helps to share your fears with people that care. Peace and Love. Patty
mrsfroggie
Hi Diane, so sorry to hear about your Mother, I lost my mother-in-law in March she was 84. I miss her so much, I think about her everyday. She was a great woman. Please try and spend as much time as you can with her. She knows you love her and she most likely is worried about you. She knows you are doing the best you can. You snd your Mother are in my prayers.
Hugs Steph
Steph55
I am so, so sorry about your mom. My grandma is the same age and has had 2 heart attacks in the last year. They slowed her down for a while....but now you wouldn't know she ever had them. She does everything for herself and her husband again.....keeping those positive thoughts out there for your mom. I am sorry that you are still feeling the effects of this addiction ( aren't we all) but you are handling it all wonderfully and are so inspirational to all those trying to find ways to cope. Thank you for sharing the highs and lows of your journey,,,it truly makes a difference.
purplecat
Hi Diane --- You and your mother are both in my prayers. I do so hope that you will get to make a trip soon to see her. And remember, you may feel guilt but Mother's are some of the most forgiving people on earth. Take care of yourself so you can take care of her when you get to go!!!!
SheliaMac
Diane - so sorry to hear about your mom... It's very difficult . . I have friends who are experiencing the same type of health situations with their parents and sometimes just listening to them helps . . I lost both my mother and father way back in 1985 within 6 months of one another . . I miss them very much. My prayers are with you & your mom,
Take care,
Smokeygirl
smokeygirl
Dianne ((((((((mom)))))))))) . I thought I had sent a comment , ; but I think I screwed up and failed to hit''add'' when my sister 'instant messaged me.. duh..'so I looked today , and nothing..
'So am here 'giving you a Big ''Cyber Hug ((((((((Dianne)))))))))))..I know what it is like to 'have committments 'and the ''heart 'tugs too..
ONce all your ducks in a row , I know ''you will be with your mom for a visit.'
Love yah Sandra..
gams5