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DianneE 
5:03pm, May 29, 2009
Just realized it has been almost a month since my last journal. Even though I haven't been journalling, I still pop on here almost every day to check up on how people are doing and comment.....
My Mom has had some serious health issues going on. She just got out of the hospital for chest pain she has been having for weeks....and they finally found out she had 2 blocked coronary arteries, and was severely anemic. She had stents put in, and is taking iron, but has not recovered to her former strength. I am so worried about her! We got a lady to come over and do housework and spend time with her, but I think she needs more than that!
I guess I am still paying for wasting so much of my precious income on gambling. If I had not become a compulsive gambler, I would have all my bills paid, and money in the bank. I would have been able to afford to make more trips to see my Mom, and would be able to contribute more to her finances. I would have been able to catch a flight to see her, and be there personally to help her out any way she needs.
I wish I could just pick up and go visit her now....but then I couldn't make payroll. I am praying she gets better so I can delay the trip to see her until I can save the money to do it!
After making my big catch-up IRS payment, and then payroll....I am pretty much broke! I am still saving for the catch-up State tax payment....and apartment rent and office rent are due within the week. I will scrape by, and then I'll be just a little bit better off! After this, I am pretty-much out of trouble with the IRS....after 2 years of struggle!
Step by step.....little bit of progress day by day, week by week....
Even though I have so far to go....I still have come a long, long way! If I had not stopped gambling, I would have lost my business, filed bankruptcy, and who knows what hell I would be living through right now!
If I had not stopped gambling....almost 22 months ago.....I can't even think of where I would be now. I have my regrets, struggles, and guilt to deal with NOW. How much worse would things be by now if I had not stopped!
Thanks to everyone for your support....please send thoughts and prayers out for my Mom. I love her so very much. I am saving money to take off a week and go see her. I hope I can be there when she needs me most!!!! I can't even face the idea of her dying. I don't know how I can ever handle it. When her time comes, I want to be there holding her hand. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself if I am not there for her. I'm just praying she will come through this, and live on in good health some more years. She is 84, and I want to be there to protect and help her. Until this happened, she was doing very well....did all her own housework, etc. This is so hard for me to face.
Well, enough rambling for me.....thank you dear friends....for being out there and listening!
Much love to you all.....
Comments
Sunday night....gamble free.
I have some big bills coming up in a couple of weeks, so it is crunch time for me right now. I am still overcoming the devastation gambling created in my life. If I can scrape the money together, I will turn another corner in my financial recovery. My financial recovery is just one outer face of my inner spiritual recovery....which is by far, more important.
Step by baby step....one day at a time.
The power in those little "slogans" is immense!
I have to accept where I am now, and accept that a little bit of progress is better than NO progress.
When I was gambling, one of the "excuses" I used to keep doing it was that I was so far down, what difference did it make if I kept doing it a while longer.....if I couldn't repair the damage quickly, why bother starting!!!
Being willing to take that next little step on the right path means that I'll continue to climb out of the swamp and be in a healthier place. Hanging around in that swamp made me sicker and sicker and would have killed everything good in me if I had chosen to remain there!
Thanks to the people here, I have been able to stay on the path since 1-1-08. I am so grateful you are here, and that you continue to read and comment on my journals. It is the sense of community and caring I have found here that has made my recovery possible.
Love to you all!!! xoxoxo
Dianne
Comments
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WTG on the soon to be 1 year and 10 month anniversary. I like the baby step and one day at a time 'slogans' as well - keeps me focused on the 'now' and the 'just do the next thing.' I had the same 'what difference does it make' mindset, I think that is a link (or several) in every addicts chain.
I was cutting down trees, tree limbs, and vines (some with thorns and someout), over the weekend. those vines... OMG, they are brutal... like any addiction... they start small, then they grow upward and downward. They wind their thru the chainlink fence, then up the side of the tree, and interweave theirself in the branches of the tree limbs. Under the ground they travel the roots going deep, some shooting up new vines they wind thru the fence and upward into the trees. As I was cutting the vines and pulling them down, some hard large thorns on them, my arms and legs were cut up something terrible. But I kept clearing the vines. Once I had the vines down, I noticed the smaller trees the vines had wrapped theirselves around were brittle dead trees. Their life choked right out of them.
Your 'hanging round that swamp' analogy made me think of the yard work I experienced yesterday and those poor unsuspecting trees. Addictions are like a life stangling affair, which sooner or later does 'kill everything good' in a person if they chose to remain there.
Thanks for the reflective je. XXOO to you this wonderful Monday morning. debs
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Hi Diane,
"Hanging around in that swamp made me sicker and sicker and would have killed everything good in me if I had chosen to remain there!", ditto, for me. The most important factor I've achieved in my recovery, is gratitude. Not only for the good & wonderful things in my life, but for the good & wonderful things in everybody life, too. What a warm & caring feeling that is, a human relief that can't be bought. My heart is open to change, that's a big one, too. I thought I was an open minded person, but since I quit gambling, and embraced recovery, I'm realizing I was hard on others, and even harder on myself. No expectations of others anymore, another human relief that money can't buy.
Thank you for being here, we continue to need each others support, and I am grateful..
Love, Robin
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Smiles all over my face for you! xoxo Sandie
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Another wonderful journal Dianne....so proud to be in recovery alongside you. Your grace and compassion are contagious at times. I admit that I have had inner struggles and a lot of undue stress lately....always so inspiring to see someone actively working recovery....even when things get tough. I, too, have remained in debt due to gambling for a couple years now....money may not get paid back quickly, but it will get paid back. Hope your week is going well :)
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Hi Diane, Good to hear from you. You have worked so hard on your recovery, and us being CG's of course want things to happen faster than Gods plan. I too am still working on my old gambling debts, seems like I keep plugging away at them,, they just don't go away as quickly as I would like- but they are getting smaller- just not fast enough for me. LOL.
The swamp analogy is a great one, a slimy environment full of dangerous critters just lurking, waiting for their time to get you in their grips.
No more swamping for me!!
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"Climbing out of the swamp" What a powerful analogy that is.... that is just what it feels like. I too couldn't have this with out you and the others. I think that is why DS works the way it does, when you find someone that understands you, are able to accomplish just about anything... You have worked so hard at your recovery and it shows, if even slowly. Thank you too. Peace and Love. Patty
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Hey ''Hoots Dianne... ''Swamp eh ?..
You remember the ''saying''which I love:
It's pretty hard to drain the swamp when you up to your 'arse in Alligators.. lmao..
'WTg expressing.. ''
I personally wore hip wader for quite awhile. lol
''love yah 'keep 'forging 'ahead in ''Baby steps..Amen .. Long leaps cause muscles 'to 'go ouch..lol
Sandra..
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Dianne -- its been a couple of weeks since this JE, hopefully you have made it thru your crunch time unscathed. Keep climbing and inspiring....
WOW, 2 weeks since I wrote a journal! I've been keeping busy as August is our busiest month of the year....
I have an old car that was wrecked and that I've been slowly rebuilding. It is my favorite car of all time, and it was actually totalled and taken to a junk yard and I made them bring it back! LOL....I can see myself clinging to the back wheel crying no, no when they come and get it for good some day LOL
When it was wrecked, I took the settlement and spent it on gambling.....so it never got fixed. Over the past 19 months I've had gamble-free....I've been slowly working on restoring it. I bought a used side mirror and headlight assembly from a salvage yard...I fixed the rear hatch opener thingee (you can see how knowledgable I am about mechanics LOL).....I fixed the passenger door so it would lock again....I replaced a power steering cable and fluid....had the engine tuned up....doing just a little at a time over the last 6 months or so.
I also started collecting used parts; a fender, bumper covers, etc.....figuring it would be cheaper to have the work done if I got my own parts. So, after saving all Summer, last week I took it and the parts to a body shop and they put my "baby" back together with a new paint job.
It looks and runs fantastic!!!!! I am so ecstatic that I was able to save for this. I feel such a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. The next task will be to replace the wheels and tires. Three of the wheels are the originals, and one is a mismatched spare, as the original was damaged too much to be safe to drive on! I will be so proud of it when I get nice new wheels that actually match LOL...
For some reason, rebuilding this car has become a symbol of sorts for rebuilding my life.
Other people might have given up on me, and tossed me away for junk....but I didn't given up on myself. It has taken me a lot of time to slowly rebuild my life, piece by piece....a little at a time. I get impatient and want everything to be perfect all at once, but I have learned to savor each little bit of progress. I get so excited with every little thing that gets restored and repaired!
The car, like myself, is still a work in progress....but it is worth the effort.
MY LIFE IS WORTH THE EFFORT.
Comments
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Dianne, that is incredible! WOW. I would have never thought to do anything close to that. Very impressive. I understand the analogy of it representing your putting your life back together. Thank you for sharing that... xxoo - debs
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CONGRATS to you!! I'm so proud of you for doing this! I'm glad you didn't give up on yourself! You have been and still are a constant source of inspiration to me! I too will rebuild my life one "bumper" at a time. Peace and Love. Patty
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What a wonderful journal!!!! Rebuilding and re-learning our lives and ourselves is such an important piece of our recoveries.....I think we all felt at one point that we should have just been "put to rest" in a junkyard. Wow, the determination to put a car back together....wish I knew more about how to keep them running. lol. Thank you for sharing your story and your life.....have a great day :)
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Hi Dianne! So glad to see a journal entry from you. Also so glad to hear that you are so busy enjoying and living your life. I can only imagine how proud you must feel to be driving around in that car....bet you can't quit smiling!! You have been such a huge support and great inspiration to me as I make my way in recovery - thanks for sharing!
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Oh WOW Diane! You never cease to amaze me! Right On! What kind of car is it? You are doing a mah-vel-lous job on your recovery! Love you, friend xxxooo
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Just in case you got the wrong idea, other than driving around and getting parts, i
didn't do the work myself!!! I'm not that talented LOL! I just it in the effort to piece together parts and save the money! Thx for all the encouraging words.... -:)
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Hi Dianne,
Thank you for noticing my journal entry and commenting with words of encouragement - glad you are doing well - great job on your project of getting the parts - awesome!
Smokeygirl - your sistah!!
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Dianne, your life sure is worth the effort. I have now been clean for 3 months and two days - things are going great and I am so proud of your 19 months....kepp it up sweetie!! Ian : )
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Hey Miss Dianne eee. ''So great to read such an uplifting ,, inspiring 'share. Money sure has other uses.. =rebuild a car that 'was not quite ready for the bone yard..WTG. I hear 'never give up, in your share.'and keep building 'daily , as each part is has to be selected with care to fit ..Amen..
You keep ''doing what you are doing. love it .. such ''HOPE''. It does get better. Amen.
love yah ''Sandra..
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Hi Dianne
Thanks for your comments of encouragement. I'm so happy for you and your "Project". I watched Whitney Huston being interviewed by Oprah the other day after her 7 yr absence from public life due to addiction. She has a new song "I didn't know my own strength"...looks like you found yours again...awesome.
Hugs
Mary
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What a great JE to come back and read after being gone for so long :) Just what I needed to hear. It is reassuring to me that I know things can't change over night. xoxoxo Sandie
Past Entries
Dianne, I am glad to hear your mom is home and has someone coming in to do housework and spend some time with her.
Having loved ones in need of care and not knowing the future can bring lots of shakey thoughts to our minds.
When I was reading your post, I thought of a woman at work who has followed a tradition her mother started with her... she sends a package of some kind or a card with a letter with pictures to her daughter every other month or so... like a tea cup with tea, a recent photo of herself, with a note saying she was thinking of her, loved her, and wished she could be with her for some tea. Just things along that line.
It is a way to let our loved ones know we really love and cherish them.
God bless and I will remember you and your mom. {{hugs}} debs
JordansMomDebby
Your mother is in my prayers along with you. I know what you mean about facing losing your mother... I don't know what I will do when my mother passes! She has been the rock of our family! I'm sorry you are struggling with money that too I'm no stranger to. Like you said, you are so much farther along now than what you were. When ever I get overwhelmed about money, I think, if I could make it through paying off hundreds of dollars worth of bad checks and get out of a foreclosure on my house I can make it through this too. Just think of how well you’ve done in the past 22 months. I’m honor to be here to listen to your troubles! It helps to share your fears with people that care. Peace and Love. Patty
mrsfroggie
Hi Diane, so sorry to hear about your Mother, I lost my mother-in-law in March she was 84. I miss her so much, I think about her everyday. She was a great woman. Please try and spend as much time as you can with her. She knows you love her and she most likely is worried about you. She knows you are doing the best you can. You snd your Mother are in my prayers.
Hugs Steph
Steph55
I am so, so sorry about your mom. My grandma is the same age and has had 2 heart attacks in the last year. They slowed her down for a while....but now you wouldn't know she ever had them. She does everything for herself and her husband again.....keeping those positive thoughts out there for your mom. I am sorry that you are still feeling the effects of this addiction ( aren't we all) but you are handling it all wonderfully and are so inspirational to all those trying to find ways to cope. Thank you for sharing the highs and lows of your journey,,,it truly makes a difference.
purplecat
Hi Diane --- You and your mother are both in my prayers. I do so hope that you will get to make a trip soon to see her. And remember, you may feel guilt but Mother's are some of the most forgiving people on earth. Take care of yourself so you can take care of her when you get to go!!!!
SheliaMac
Diane - so sorry to hear about your mom... It's very difficult . . I have friends who are experiencing the same type of health situations with their parents and sometimes just listening to them helps . . I lost both my mother and father way back in 1985 within 6 months of one another . . I miss them very much. My prayers are with you & your mom,
Take care,
Smokeygirl
smokeygirl
Dianne ((((((((mom)))))))))) . I thought I had sent a comment , ; but I think I screwed up and failed to hit''add'' when my sister 'instant messaged me.. duh..'so I looked today , and nothing..
'So am here 'giving you a Big ''Cyber Hug ((((((((Dianne)))))))))))..I know what it is like to 'have committments 'and the ''heart 'tugs too..
ONce all your ducks in a row , I know ''you will be with your mom for a visit.'
Love yah Sandra..
gams5