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Journal Entry for January 7, 2008 Mood
Monday, January 7, 2008

 Yell

this is far more difficult than I had ever imagined.  I have a serious addiction to smoking and it's really coming to light today.  The jitters are horrible - I feel like I've overdosed on caffeine right now.

I keep hearing Ted and Lee go outside for a cigarette and I'm tempted to follow.  I miss the social scene just as much as a cigarette in my mouth.  I feel like I'll miss out on the laughs and jokes that make the day go by so much faster.  Today has been extremely slow.. I can't believe it isn't even lunchtime yet.  I still have more than 5 hours to go before I can leave this place.  I can't wait!

I'm quitting because of how sick Mom is.  Lung cancer is far more severe than I had ever imagined my Mom would be diagnosed with.  My quitting is for Jay, Caylie, Mom and of course, myself.  I want a healthier life and more stamina to do those things with Caylie that I struggle to do now.  With luck, I will combat this addiction and look back at this as a tough time that was worth going through.  I deserve a life that isn't controlled by when the next smoke break is.  I deserve a life that isn't dictated by the smoking lounge.  I want a long, happy life with my husband-to-be.  I want to see my grandchildren and hopefully someday, my great grandchildren!

I deserve all those things and so much more!

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